The Tiniest House of Time

An Idealist Healer...

2009-11-26T07:17:00.000-05:00

So for quite some time I've been contemplating what kind of career would be a good match for me. I thought about becoming a librarian, but realized that I did not really desire it strongly enough (especially to go through two to three years of schooling). So I put that thought on the back burner, and gradually it faded away.

I didn't have many ideas, so one day I found myself taking a personality test online. It told me I am an "Idealist Healer" (INFP) and many of the qualities it attributed to INFPs seemed right on. But what I was most interested in were the career recommendations for my personality type.

I browsed through them... sociology professor, psychologist, composer... and then I came to one that struck me: grant writer. Hmm. Worth looking into.

So I did. Turns out, grant writing (that is what it is called, but in actuality, it is grant proposal writing) requires creativity, organizational abilities and writing skills (check, check and check). So far so good. Also, grant writers usually work to secure grants for non-profit organizations, most of which support good causes. Because of this, many grant writers find the work very rewarding, as they help bring financial resources into the local community.

So I tucked the idea away, and continued to consider it from time to time.

Eventually, I found myself considering it more and more. I began looking up classes for grant writing in my area. Turns out, there is one offered next spring at a nearby college. Sign up is in December, and I hope to go through with it.

Then came a meeting at the Audubon Center where I volunteer. The organization (which is separate from the National Audubon) has come to a critical point financially. And guess what? They need people to help write grant proposals.

I offered to help out, and within a few days I was working on my first grant proposal! It seems like as soon as I was ready to further explore grant writing, the opportunity fell into my lap. I'm enjoying the process so far, and I've been very busy, between working on that and doing my normal volunteer work at the front desk for the Audubon Center.

I feel like I have a greater life purpose to work toward, and this is definitely helping me in my recovery from mental illness. I'm doing things that would have been out of reach a mere month or two ago. I can't help but see this as an instance when the Universe gave me exactly what I needed, at the moment I was ready for it. I feel grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

The Mind Wraps Itself Up...

2009-11-02T15:09:00.000-05:00

The foliage has been beautiful this autumn. Oranges, yellows, and reds that clung to the trees for weeks, and are finally falling to the ground. Today the sun is shining, and the temperature is hovering around 50 degrees. I am remembering what I love about fall... the New Hampshire beauty, of course, but also, as the mercury drops, the bundling up with warm clothes, and curling up inside with a warm cup of tea. It is part of the cocooning process, getting ready for winter, and starting to shift inward as the boisterous summer heat recedes in memory. The mind wraps itself up in protective layers, readying itself for the long winter ahead.

And yet, as I become more comfortable socially (thanks in part to some med changes), I become more outgoing, start to shine a little brighter, as the sun follows a shallow path over the horizon, casting long shadows over the cool ground. Perhaps this winter the spark inside me will be bright enough to sustain me through the long, cold winter nights. I feel optimistic... maybe even resilient.

My spiritual search has waxed and waned over the past few months... right now I am in an upswing where I find myself reading spiritual literature, and contemplating the concepts I come across. I am considering how I can apply these spiritual tools to my life. Can I get in a meditation routine that will make me feel more connected and help with my anxiety? Will mindfulness of my feelings and thoughts allow me to overcome my negative eating habits? Can I change the way I relate to the world to give me more inner peace and calm?

One of the paradoxes of spiritual practice is that it can lead to greater self-acceptance, but also to inner transformation. There is a part of me that resists this truth. It seems to think that if I were to love myself fully for who I am right now, there would be no incentive to change negative habits and thought patterns. Yet if my inner critic were capable of changing the things it doesn't like by belittling me, these things would have changed long ago.

So is this a paradox, or are the two actually intertwined? I find I have trouble with both; perhaps greater self-acceptance would actually enable easier inner transformation. I've heard it said that to move forward, one must first accept where they stand. For some reason this rings true to me. Criticism directed toward myself is based in anger and frustration, and results in pain. How could this be effective or healthy?

Maybe it's time I give Mr. Critic a vacation and see what Love can do in his place.

How I Stay Motivated to Exercise

2009-03-23T16:01:00.000-04:00

I've exercised each day for a week straight, and I feel motivated to continue. Doesn't sound like much, but this is a significant achievement for me. I've tried many times to start exercising, and each time I get derailed. What's different this time? A couple things.

First, I'm starting out slow. The first day I only exercised for 10 minutes. That's it. I went on the treadmill, and walked at a very comfortable speed, and when 10 minutes were up, I stopped. By the end of the week I was up to 18 minutes per day, still walking at a slow pace. I'm starting out this way because I intend to avoid getting sick. It has happened to me repeatedly -- I start an exercise program with vigorous enthusiasm, and within a couple days I'm run down and physically ill. Then I'm too sick to exercise, and the whole routine falls apart. I figure I can avoid this scenario by taking it easy and gradually increasing the time and difficulty of the workout. This strategy is also helping me develop positive associations with exercise: "Oh, I can do this. Just walk for a few minutes? No problem!"

Another important reason why I've been able to stick to exercising is because I've started listening to personal development podcasts and audio programs on my mp3 player as I exercise. The time goes by faster, and I'm exercising my mind along with my body. It also gives me inspiration, ideas, and new perspectives to help accomplish my health goals. I look forward to exercising because I know I'll have the opportunity to listen to interesting material. I do have to give Steve Pavlina (personal development blogger) some credit for this method, because I didn't consider listening to podcasts while I exercise until I read a post about his daily habits. Sure, it's a simple, rather obvious idea, but he spurred me to actually try it, and it has worked.

So it's simple, but this has worked for me for one week. And although that is a relatively short amount of time, I am one week closer to forming a habit that will serve me throughout my entire life.

A Serving of Healthy Habits, Please

2009-03-20T11:48:00.013-04:00

Do you hear me universe? I said please!

Here's the deal. I'm 220 pounds. That's about 60 pounds more than my ideal weight. Over the past year, hell, over the past ten years, I've exercised sporadically, at best. For more than a year, I've been eating too much almost every day. My blood pressure is creeping up, probably because of the weight I've put on, my triglycerides are high, and my good cholesterol is too low. Did I mention I smoke cigarettes? So that's the reality check.

And why am I in this situation? Simplest answer: bad habits. Sure, there are reasons, some subconscious, behind these habits. But the fact is, these habits have to be replaced with healthy ones, pronto. Because the longer this continues, the worse things will get.

I think of habits in terms of a compass analogy. If you take a compass reading and are a couple degrees off, it doesn't seem like much. But walk a mile in that direction, and you will find yourself far from where you want to be.

So I've resolved to change course. To develop good habits. I've been exercising every day since Monday. I've been trying to eat right. It's been frustrating at times, but I feel OK about where I'm at. Spring is officially here today. Where I live, it will be a couple more weeks before we start getting actual Spring weather, but it is something I'm looking forward to. The more positive I stay, the greater chance I have of achieving my goals.

The ground is starting to show in the back yard, where the snow has melted. I can see the labyrinth again, and it looks solid and intact. I was a little worried about how it would fare throughout the winter, but it seems like the snow kept everything in place.

I think Spring is the perfect time to ditch old habits and form new ones. It is a time of rebirth and growth. So why not grow internally while the world outside does the same?

Let It Snow....

2008-12-21T21:27:00.002-05:00

We had the first dusting of snow last week, and I shot a few photos. I thought I'd share some with you.

Here are the steps leading to the backyard.

Labyrinth with snow:

This is a Buddha statue that my mother bought this year for her garden.

And here are a few shots with the macro of snow on a plant that was still green.

We're actually having a big snow storm as I type. Inches and inches of snow. It's nice being inside with no place to go on a snowy night.

I'll take this chance to wish everyone a Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

The Labyrinth, Complete

2008-10-24T16:05:00.000-04:00

Well...........it's done! Welcome to the labyrinth!

Getting Closer.....

2008-09-07T10:50:00.005-04:00

I wanted to post an update on the labyrinth.

I've completed the work on all the circles. Now I just need to make the lines that cut through the circles to create the actual path that winds through to the center. The end is in sight!

My Blog's Namesake

2008-08-24T11:00:00.001-04:00

While responding to forsythia's comment on the last post, I got to thinking about Kabir, the 15th century mystic poet from India. It amazes me that his verses have traveled through centuries, and over oceans to reach my eyes and tickle my spirit. I found the name for my blog in one of his poems. I'm going to reproduce the full poem here, for anyone who may want to read it:

Are you looking for me? I am in the next seat.
My shoulder is against yours.
you will not find me in the stupas, not in Indian shrine
rooms, nor in synagogues, nor in cathedrals:
not in masses, nor kirtans, not in legs winding
around your own neck, nor in eating nothing but vegetables.
When you really look for me, you will see me instantly —
you will find me in the tiniest house of time.
Kabir says: Student, tell me, what is God?
He is the breath inside the breath.

From: The Kabir Book: Forty-Four of the Ecstatic Poems of Kabir
by Robert W. Bly (Translator)

Hello!

2008-08-15T13:15:00.005-04:00

Hello! I'm still alive! :)

I guess I've almost starved my blog to death. For some reason I just refuse to pull the plug completely, though. I want to at least post updates on the labyrinth through its completion.

And I'd like let people know how I've been doing! Things are starting to pick up a bit. I've made a new friend who also happens to have schizophrenia. It's nice having someone who can relate to the whole mental illness piece, but just as importantly I appreciate having someone to hang out with and go out to Indian and Thai restaurants with.

I also FINALLY got out and put in a volunteer application. Since the library never really panned out, I decided to volunteer at the local Audubon Society. It is an environmental organization that organizes nature programs for children, plans outings for adults, maintains walking trails, puts on seasonal events, and so on.

I talked to the volunteer coordinator, and she sounded excited to have a new volunteer. I'm going to be working in the visitor center, greeting guests and taking phone calls. I may even help write some press releases.

I'm pretty excited about it, and am relieved that I finally got out and took a step forward.

Anyway, so here are a few photos of the labyrinth, in progress:

This first one shows the perimeter of bricks that I dug into the ground.

This picture shows the brick circle filled with pebbles that form the base to walk on.

Now that the pebbles are down, I've been placing bigger rocks in the circle to create the paths of the labyrinth. I have a lot of it done, but I think I'll wait to post a photo.

I want to thank all of you for still stopping by from time to time. Maybe I should have just closed my blog when I stopped doing it daily, but personally, whenever a blog I read decides to call it quits, I always long for that occasional post to just know how that person is doing. So I guess that's what this blog has become for now.

Take care, everyone!

Building a Path to Walk On

2008-05-15T13:20:00.012-04:00

Here is a picture of a large bare spot in our backyard, with a big pine tree in the middle.

We have been trying to figure out what to do with this area, as grass does not seem to be able to grow here.

After working through a few different ideas, I stumbled upon labyrinth designs. A labyrinth is a path that you walk on, eventually taking you to the center, then back out again. It is different from a maze, in that there are no wrong paths--just the one. They are often used for meditative and spiritual purposes.

One of the most famous labyrinths is the one at Chartres Cathedral in France, built around 1200:

So I decided to create a labyrinth, with the pine tree in the center. Obviously, because I have much less room to work with, the one in the backyard will be much smaller. I found a design, based on the one at Chartres, that will fit in the space I have to work with:

I'm going to cover the inside area with pebbles, then use bigger rocks to create the lines of the labyrinth. We found pebbles and rocks that would be appropriate at a local mulch/stone retailer. Also, I'm burying red bricks into the ground around the outside circle, leaving a little over an inch sticking up to hold the pebbles in place. So far I have almost one half of the circle of bricks done. After I finish with the bricks, we'll get the pebbles and distribute them around the circle.

I'm excited about this project. It will keep me busy and hopefully get me in better shape. And in the end, we'll be able to walk our very own backyard labyrinth.

Furled Ferns

2008-05-08T16:39:00.005-04:00

I've been trying to get out and enjoy the beautiful weather we've been having lately--sunny, with temperatures in the mid-seventies. It reminds me of San Diego, where the weather stays like this all year long.

I took a walk around the pond that is a short drive from my house, and found some young ferns pushing up through the soil. These ferns fascinate me--the way they start as a white clump, and slowly unfurl their green leaves. If you look closely at the first photo, you can see the green hiding underneath the white knob at the top of the stem.

I hope everyone else is enjoying some nice spring weather.

The Hand That Feeds...

2008-05-02T14:29:00.006-04:00

We have a small statue in our backyard that we put sunflower seeds in for the birds and squirrels. This morning as I sat outside I saw a chipmunk stuffing its cheeks full of seed:

In past years my mother has actually trained some of the chipmunks to eat out of her hand. She patiently waits with a peanut in the palm of her hand, and these cute little creatures will run up to her and grab the nut, stuff it in their cheeks, and scurry away.

Farewell Winter... Hello Spring

2008-04-17T11:50:00.005-04:00

Finally, all the snow has melted in the backyard, except for this little patch that is still hanging in there. It will soon be reduced to a moist spot on the ground.

These are the first sprouts of green that are coming up in the garden. What a relief to see some fresh life poking through, and to have the temperatures consistently into the 60s this week.

Greener Pastures Lure Away Another Good Therapist

2008-04-15T13:00:00.007-04:00

I saw Jeannine, my case manager/therapist yesterday. She informed me that she is leaving the Mental Health Center where I see her.

I'm disappointed to lose Jeannine. I think we were just getting to the point where she knew how to productively encourage me to branch out and grow more. It's always a little hard switching therapists, because you're not sure how well you will click with the new one, and of course you have to start from scratch, telling your life story and trying to get him or her up to speed. Jeannine was apologetic, and said that she knows that it is not good therapeutically for one patient to be bounced around from therapist to therapist.

I've been lucky to have two good therapists since I've been going to the Mental Health Center, but unfortunately they both ended up leaving about a year after I started seeing them. A year may seem like a long time, but in my experience in therapy, it really isn't.

I'm hopeful that my new one will be just as good--who knows, she or he may be even better for me, once we get settled in together.

A Quiet Weekend

2008-04-14T16:42:00.000-04:00

I had a pretty quiet weekend. Mom and Roby went up to Maine for a few days, so I had plenty of time to myself.

I did go out Saturday night to play poker with some of my relatives at my cousin's house. I always enjoy playing poker. I ended up losing twelve dollars, but that still adds up to a pretty cheap night out.

I find that I'm still struggling with my eating habits. It is hard to sustain the amount of vigilance necessary to avoid overeating. If I eat something without being sufficiently hungry, my mind takes it as a cue for my psychological cravings to kick in. So when it comes to eating, I'm still having good days and bad days.

A Shift in Thinking

2008-04-04T17:11:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I took a walk around the pond again. This time I went with my Mom. We saw the Blue Heron, which had been gone all winter. It was a nice day for a walk--temperatures in the 50's with the sun shining.

Thankfully, somehow my attitude seems to have shifted regarding my eating habits. On Monday and Tuesday, I did not overeat at all. This is the first time in months that I've refrained from eating too much for a full day. Wednesday, I ended up overeating, but Thursday I was back on track.

What caused this shift that had eluded me for a long time? Not sure, but it seemed to have started Monday morning, while I was smoking a cigarette. It occurred to me, "If I want to be healthy, be thin, I need to think like a thin person would. It is all in the mind. That is the only difference--the way we think, our attitude."

To be able to avoid overeating, and to be able to lose weight, I feel I need to accept my hunger as a natural sensation that I can be on friendly terms with. Otherwise, every time I feel the slightest hunger, I start eating. And once I start, it is hard to stop. I read on an overeater's website about the dilemma that overeaters find themselves in. Not to say that food addiction is any harder to stop than drugs or alcohol, but it is a unique situation, in that when one is addicted to drugs or alcohol, one can lock up the tiger (avoid drugs altogether), but "you can't stop eating food. So instead of caging up the tiger forever, it's a little like taking the tiger for a walk three times a day."

So later that day, somehow I found myself feeling differently towards my hunger. I made peace with it. I would rather be hungry than full of unnecessary food and dealing with the psychological burden that comes with it. I didn't allow myself to eat anything when I became hungry (except for the three meals, of course), because I knew it would lead me to eating too much.

But the next day, I found I was able to eat a small amount of food when hungry, without eating too much. It helps if I have a healthy snack, like fruit or yogurt. If I start in on the pretzels (carbs), it's all over.

So by some grace, I have started winning some battles against food. The war is not over yet--I still have psychological cravings--but I've begun to overcome. And I feel good about it. Somehow, the hunger in the pit of my stomach makes me feel a little more alive. Weird, huh?

Is It Spring Yet?

2008-03-29T14:28:00.004-04:00

I took this picture yesterday during our Spring snowstorm.

Walk Towards Recovery

2008-03-28T17:44:00.003-04:00

I took a walk yesterday on a trail that goes around a nearby pond. It was still mostly frozen over, with snow covering the ice. The wide open areas of snow in these photos are where the frozen pond is.

It felt good to get out and take a walk. The temperature was up into the mid-fifties, making it feel a little like spring, even if it still doesn't look like it.

Taking walks is part of my plan to get out of the house and do more. I met with my councilor, Jeannine, last week, and she encouraged me to exercise at least twice a week to start.

She also suggested that I keep track of my food intake throughout the day, so I started writing in my journal exactly what I'm eating, and what I'm thinking and doing right before I eat. Hopefully some patterns will show up.

Jeannine also discussed with me the importance of getting out and meeting like-minded people, perhaps by attending some spiritual or meditation groups. I read a lot of spiritual writing, but it isn't quite the same as being part of a spiritual community. So I think I may check out a group that meets once a month and discusses spiritual topics, not too far from where I live. It is open to anyone, and from what I can tell from their website, I would find the discussions interesting and insightful.

I also met with my psychiatrist, Dr. L, last week. We decided to raise my Abilify medication to 15mg, up from 10. We're doing this to see if it helps with my motivation difficulties and ability to get out and do more. I'm glad that we are making the adjustment. Dr. L. is always willing to reevaluate the meds and change things until she feels it is the best dose and drug for my current situation. It could take a while before I notice much difference.... until then, I'll keep walking, and do the best that I can.

Baking Brothers

2008-03-22T12:24:00.010-04:00

David was home last weekend for the beginning of spring break. After staying through the weekend, he left on Tuesday to go down to Florida with his girlfriend, where her family is renting a house for a couple weeks. He wanted to bring a small token of his appreciation for having him, so he decided to make cookies, which I helped him make.

First we made orange zest snowball cookies with grated coconut topping. We quickly learned that making cookies takes more time than we assumed! But when you pop them in your mouth, it is all worth it.

The next cookies we made (one of my personal favorites) were peanut butter cookies with a chocolate kiss pressed in the top of each one. I took the above photo while the cookies were cooling. One of the benefits of making cookies yourself is that you get to eat them while the chocolate is still soft. They were delicious!

I was busy with an appointment the next day when David made the final batch: chocolate chip walnut cookies.

I rarely bake, but it was a good experience, and especially enjoyable doing it with my brother.

Thoughts on Spirituality

2008-03-21T14:16:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. It was encouraging and reinforced my belief in the importance of a spiritual path. I appreciate each of you sharing your own personal experiences with spirituality, and I found myself relating to what each of you said.

It made it more obvious to me how many different ways of walking the divine path there are, and how each of us needs to find our own way.

I started to respond to the comments, discussing my spirituality, and soon I had written so much that I decided to turn it into a full entry.

I have read about many different belief systems, and I find all of them to have valuable insights and methods. And so I try to take what I can from each one.

I believe that there is power in asking for help with difficulties through prayer. This is why I pray. I’m not sure who intercepts and responds to my prayers and intentions, be it my angels, spirit guides, Jesus, God Himself, or the Universe.... but I believe some entity or energy out there has power to affect our life for the positive.

I also believe in a spirit world (heaven?) that is inhabited by angels, spirit guides, ascended masters, and souls that have completed their latest life on earth. It seems that certain people, such as shamans and psychic mediums can have direct contact with this world. Since I feel that I’ve been having spiritual difficulties, I thought I would first go to a spiritual healer, and that is why I chose to see a shaman.

While going to outside sources may be effective, I know that any true healing is going to happen from within. Since most shamans do see themselves as only facilitators for a natural healing process, I thought it would be a good place to start, to see if I needed to heal in certain ways that would help me progress further in my spiritual path.

I believe to find inner peace and joy, one must look within and find one's true self, which will be realized as one with the universe. Duality and the ego subside, and non-dual truth, peace, joy and love remain as one dwells in the true, original state. In addition to believing in the human potential to experience the divine, I believe that we have the capability to incorporate this experience into our lives, and live in harmony with the world.

This is one of the reasons I meditate: to look within, and attempt to know myself. I also do it to feel more centered, calm, and connected.

While I feel that my highest goal spiritually is to know my true self, beyond ego, beyond conditioning, beyond false concepts of self, I think that I can take steps along the way, becoming more loving and compassionate.

I guess this is where appreciating the journey comes in. I have to find contentment in the place that I’m at. I have to do my best to find love and express it through my life. Step by step, I must continue to search, with faith that I will find a path that will take me closer to the truth, to God. And in the meantime, learn to focus on the moment, and absorb the beauty of the present.

Reaching out for Healing

2008-03-09T15:27:00.001-04:00

I was thinking of taking a break from blogging, and looking back on February, I guess that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I should have stated that I was taking a break, out of respect for those of you who read my blog, and I am sorry for not doing so.

I've been plodding along without much changing in my life. I'm still dealing with a lack of motivation, and for the time being I have shelved any plans for school, volunteering, or work. Maybe I'm just not ready yet.

I still can't stop overeating, and I'm gaining more and more weight. I need to get back to my self-hypnosis and see if that will have an effect on it. My problem with this approach is that I sense that the compulsion to overeat is just a symptom of deeper issues, beyond my conscious mind, perhaps beyond my subconscious mind, reaching into the spiritual health at the core of my being.

Sometimes I feel like I need healing on that spiritual level. If I were able to heal on this level, I feel that my psychological difficulties would be resolved.

So who does one go to for spiritual healing? Seeing the psychic helped me realize I may need this, but it is not really their specialty. Psychologists are good..... but it's not quite the system that could heal me on the level that I feel I need. Maybe a priest, but I left behind my Catholic upbringing during my teen years. So where does this leave me?

Well, about the same time that I started having a sense that I may need to heal my spirit, I started reading about shamanism. And it turns out, that's what they do: heal people spiritually. Here is a good site that describes shamanism.

And I happened to find a shaman who has a blog that describes his work, and who happens to live in New Hampshire. From reading his writing, he appeared to have very noble, compassionate intentions, genuinely wanting to help people.

I felt slightly indecisive about it, and put it out there for the universe to give me a sign. And that night I had vivid dreams that strongly pointed towards contacting him.

So I did.

I sent him an email, and without being too specific, told him that I felt I was suffering from some sort of spiritual sickness.

He wrote me back, and said that he would take a shamanic journey for me, then write back with the details. A journey is the method shamans use to contact the spirit world to help bring about positive effects in the life of those affected. To journey, he lays down with a drum track playing that takes him into a sort of trance, and from there interacts with the spirit world.

He wrote me back within a few days, and said that indeed, I did need spiritual healing. He described the whole journey, which is full of symbolism intended for me to interpret (similar to dream interpretation). He then described a ritual for me to perform to aid in my spiritual healing.

I performed the ritual, and felt calm and peaceful while doing it.

However, I don't think I've experienced much change in the way I feel since performing it.

I'm going to write him back soon, and give him my interpretation of the journey, and tell him how I feel.

I'm going to attempt to blog more regularly. I sometimes find it difficult to blog when I'm feeling this way, because I feel less motivated, and I also don't want my blog to become overly negative. But I am going to try to get back to posting more often. I thank all of you who continue to stop by, and I apologize for the neglect on my part.

Crystals on Cement

2008-02-15T15:38:00.001-05:00

I was walking out to my little room to have a cigarette the other day, and I noticed that some of the rain water that had come into the garage was starting to freeze and crystallize. I had never seen crystals like this on cement; it was like frost on a window, only the patterns were much bigger. So I grabbed a camera and took some photographs. I included a quarter in one of the photos, to give a sense of proportion.

This one shows some of the circular crystals that formed:

Seeing water crystals always amazes me. I marvel at nature's ability to produce such beauty.

Another Step on the Spiritual Path

2008-02-04T13:27:00.000-05:00

I apologize for the lack of entries lately. I've been confused and contemplative, and not really on "output" mode.

I went to see a psychic for the first time on Thursday.

I understand that there are many people who dismiss the notion of psychic abilities; just one year ago I was one of them. However, over the past year my views gradually shifted after reading about seemingly credible experiences or descriptions of psychic phenomena. I was really curious, and figured this would be a good time to give a psychic a chance, and see what would come of it.

Since she is also a medium, she is able to contact people who have died, and also our spirit guides.

We sat down, and she said that my father was coming through. Then, right away she said, "Who is David?"

I raised my eyebrows and said, "That's my brother."

She said that my father was acknowledging him, and saying that David had a pain in his right leg, perhaps a pulled thigh muscle. I have not spoken to David since the reading, so I have not yet verified that.

I am not going to attempt to convince any skeptics of my experience. But the mention of my brother was the first of a few instances that she showed her abilities as a psychic medium.

I felt it to be a valid experience with a medium that allowed me to communicate with my father and my spirit guides. The next day I was feeling pretty good, and I realized it was not only the details of the experience that mattered to me... it was having somebody acknowledge me as a spiritual being... which has not happened in a long, long time. I felt more spiritual worth, more connected to my spiritual self.

By Saturday some of these feelings had worn off, and I experienced a sort of spiritual hangover. I felt my disconnect from spirit more acutely, as I now knew what was missing.

The whole experience has left me with a longing to be more connected to my higher, spiritual self.

I am aware that this whole post may seem "out there" to many people. Yet this experience was meaningful for me, and I wanted to write about it.

Without a Compass

2008-01-29T19:55:00.000-05:00

I've been in a weird funk the past few days. My indecision is affecting me. I feel I am mentally well enough to go out and do something, but I'm not sure what that should be. Should I volunteer? Try to get a job? Apply to schools for library science?

Life within my little bubble is pretty comfortable right now and it is hard for me to press forward and reach toward new activities. But I am feeling society's pull, and it is leaving me anxious and unsettled.

I still have not heard from the library about my volunteer application I submitted. I was hoping they would call and I'd be forced to go in for the interview. But they haven't. And I haven't convinced myself to call them and follow up on it.

I'm not depressed, I just feel lost.

Time to Myself

2008-01-26T14:10:00.000-05:00

Mom and Roby are spending time up north in a condo that their friends let them use for the weekend. They left Friday morning, and I awoke yesterday to a quiet, empty house.

It has been relaxing having all this time to myself. I've been reading a lot, and continuing to experiment with self-hypnosis techniques.

Yesterday I made a trip downtown to check out the used-bookstore. They have a pretty good selection of used books, but nothing jumped out at me, and I left empty-handed. It is just as well, as I have enough online reading to explore to keep me busy.

Dropping and Forming Beliefs

2008-01-24T11:38:00.000-05:00

I've been hanging out at Steve Pavlina's Personal Development website a lot lately. Steve's blog is wildly popular, and for good reason. He writes about personal development in a very interesting way.

I've been focusing on his writing on empowering beliefs. He views beliefs as a lens through which we see the world. Some beliefs are empowering and help us move toward our goals, some are not. He asserts that if a belief does not serve you, you should drop it and install a new belief to replace it. The more accurate and effective the belief, the more empowering it will be. Steve gives eight guidelines to choosing effective beliefs.

This led me to examine my own beliefs. Which of my beliefs are holding me back? Being as honest as possible with myself, I wrote a list of limiting beliefs. Here are a few I came up with:

I often believe that I should do things perfectly.

I believe that the game of life (working, socializing, etc.) is a struggle.

I believe social interaction (especially with people I don't know too well) is difficult and uncomfortable.

You can probably see how these beliefs would affect my actions. I am hesitant to do many things, because I'm afraid of making mistakes, and I expect them to be a struggle.

I gave it some thought and came up with counter-beliefs:

I believe nobody is perfect, and there is no such thing as perfection.

I believe that the game of life is often pleasurable.

I believe that it is usually enjoyable to engage in social interaction.

If I adopted these new views my assumptions would be completely different going into certain situations, and as a result I'm sure the outcomes would change as well.

I picked up many beliefs during childhood, and through my life experiences. Many of them have never been examined. Why be stuck with default beliefs when I could choose the ones that are most empowering for me? I think this is a wonderful concept.

LOL... it seems like every other day I latch onto some new personal development idea. I get excited thinking about different ways to better myself... actually integrating them into my life is the challenge.

A Foray into Self-Hypnosis

2008-01-21T22:16:00.000-05:00

I've been reading the book on self-hypnosis I purchased, called The Secrets of Self-Hypnosis. The author, Adam Eason, discusses how to prepare for hypnosis, various methods of induction (creating a hypnotic state), and ways to write effective hypnotic suggestions.

In preparing for a hypnotic session, he recommends that you practice deep breathing, quiet your internal monologue, relax, and "engage in the moment." He draws upon Eastern traditions for these techniques, briefly discussing the method of breathing into the Hara (a region just below and behind the bellybutton), and outlining the benefits of what is known in Buddhism as mindfulness.

After explaining various ways of induction, he instructs the reader to practice entering a hypnotic trance state. This is the point I am at in the book. There is no need to deliver suggestions during these sessions; instead, at this stage, one is supposed to just experiment with the various ways of induction and develop a feel for the hypnotic state.

So I spent the time recording one of the given scripts that is supposed to induce hypnosis. After sitting and listening to it, I realized that I had read the script too quickly and unevenly to achieve the desired effect.

I recorded another, longer script, and read it softly and slowly.

With the new tape prepared, I lit a couple candles in my bedroom to provide a soft source of light, sat down in my comfortable chair, and closed my eyes. I focused on breathing slowly and being in the moment. Once I was physically relaxed, I turned on the tape and listened to my voice taking me through a beautiful garden while instructing me to relax further and further. It was a pleasant, calming experience. My body felt heavy and relaxed, and my internal monologue seemed to quiet down as I focused on my visualizations.

After mentally spending a while in this beautiful garden, the voice on the tape counted to five and I opened my eyes.

I don't know how deeply I was hypnotized, since this was my first time, and I have nothing to compare it to. However, I would say I was in some sort of trance state.

It was enjoyable, and I look forward to trying it again.

I am also becoming excited about the prospect of being able to make changes in my life. I am imagining being able to instruct my subconscious mind to grow in the ways I would like. It would be empowering. I don't want to get ahead of myself and get my hopes up too much, but I believe that positive expectations can only help the outcome of my experiences with hypnosis.

Trip to the Mental Health Center

2008-01-18T23:00:00.000-05:00

Earlier today I was sitting in the waiting room of the mental health center. My psychiatrist came to get me, and brought me back to her office. We sat down, and she poured over my file with a serious demeanor, trying to determine the best treatment options for me. After discussing how I've been doing, we decided to stick with the Abilify and Wellbutrin, as they seem to be working well for me.

"Do you feel like your old self again?" she asked. "Or do you still feel different from before the episode?"

"I still feel kinda different."

"How so?" she inquired further.

"Hmmm..." I had to think about it. "I don't have the confidence that I used to... the confidence socially, and the confidence to get things done. I'm still not as active, and don't feel as motivated as before. I used to just go out and do things."

"That can be a symptom of the illness- not being as motivated." she replied. "Although you don't feel as motivated, you have still done some things, like take the GRE and submit a volunteer application. Hopefully you will build upon these things, and gain some momentum."

I like Dr. L. She takes her job seriously, and gives me the attention and time necessary to work out the best treatment plan. I can be honest with her, and I feel she respects me as an individual who is able to make his own decisions. She works with me, instead of simply dictating what medication I will take. I know this is not always the case with psychiatrists, and I value the relationship we have.

The Silence of Stigma

2008-01-17T23:43:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation with David yesterday, and he mentioned that he had been reading about schizophrenia. He said, "I read that one percent of America's population has schizophrenia?"

"That's the statistic that I always hear," I replied.

"That sounds like a high number!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, it's amazing that that many people have schizophrenia, and you never hear about it."

I explained that, in comparison, about one in six-hundred people have Crohn's disease. Yet when I tell people I have Crohn's disease, I'm always hearing that they know someone with the disease.

I continued, "It shows how little people talk about schizophrenia, because of the risk of stigma. If people were able to about it openly, everyone would realize that they know someone with the condition, and people would understand it better."

This evening David left to drive down to his girlfriend's house to celebrate her birthday. He will go straight back to college after that.

After he had left, I said to Mom, "It was nice having David home for winter break."

"Yeah, it was," she replied. "You must really miss him when he leaves. He's your peer, you have a lot to talk about and share."

"I do miss him when he goes."

I feel sad that he won't be around the house to laugh with and talk to. Still, I'm happy to see him return to his college life with all his friends, where he is building his future.

A Book-Filled Day

2008-01-16T23:29:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I went out to the mailbox to retrieve the mail. Although I had just placed a book order Sunday night, I was hoping that it would have arrived already. I peered in the mailbox, and there it was, a brown envelope addressed to me. I grabbed it, along with the other mail, and scurried back inside the warm house.

Now, getting mail is always cool, and new books always excite me... but put the two together, and it puts a big grin on my face. I love receiving books in the mail. I cut the envelope open, reached inside, and took out my new book on self-hypnosis.

Not long after, I took a ride with David to Barnes and Noble, so he could pick up a cookbook to give to his girlfriend for her birthday (along with a couple other books he has already purchased).

As we looked through cookbooks, I thought back to my experiences with cooking. I made my best dishes when I lived with my then girlfriend Robyn. We were both cooking novices, and I was so excited to learn how to combine different ingredients with various spices. We worked as a team, preparing the food and cooking it, and learning as we went along. We made some delicious dishes, and always enjoyed the process.

When later on I was living alone, I resorted to fast food and taco shops. It just wasn't the same cooking alone, without Robyn.

After some time, David chose a book. He actually ended up buying the first book we looked at, after considering a few others. It was a "quick and healthy" cookbook, with info boxes giving tips on cooking with specific foods. I think it was a good choice for his girlfriend, who will soon be setting out on her own.

When we returned home, supper was almost ready. It wasn't until after dinner that I was able to start reading my new book. I have only had the chance to read the first couple chapters, but it looks like it will be what I was looking for. To derive the maximum benefit from the book, the author explicitly instructs the reader to read the book in order. Of course I want to skip ahead and flip through it haphazardly, but I'll be a good little self-hypnotist-in-training and do as he says! I'm looking forward to reading more.

A New Idea for Growth

2008-01-14T03:02:00.000-05:00

Every couple of months I latch onto some idea for personal or spiritual growth, and search for information on the topic. I scour the internet, I pick up a couple books, and I read, read, read. I admit that there are problems with this approach, but regardless, it is my attempt to better myself.

My latest interest is self-hypnosis. I've been reading about it online, and its proponents say that hypnosis allows you to affect your subconscious mind in a way that can eliminate bad habits and undesirable ways of thinking or feeling. What if I was able to stop overeating? Be more confident? Be more relaxed in social situations?

Apparently real hypnosis has little to do with making people do silly things. It is not supernatural. It is simply a trance state that one actually slips into naturally throughout the day- for example, when you are driving on the highway and zone out and miss an exit, when you daydream, and when you are engrossed in a good novel. In this state of increased concentration, the subconscious becomes more open to suggestion.

It seems like a powerful tool for self-improvement. I don't think it will solve all my problems, but at the very least it sounds like an effective method for deep relaxation. So I will investigate further. Maybe it will not pan out, I’ll become bored or disillusioned, and my latest plan will fall by the wayside. Or maybe it will have a profound impact on my life. Usually this type of thing falls in the middle, and has an effect on me, but is not as far-reaching as expected. I shall see...

A Tasty Breakfast

2008-01-11T18:11:00.000-05:00

This morning Roby, Mom, David and I went out to breakfast at Roby's favorite breakfast place. It is a small, cozy little restaurant that actually more resembles a coffee shop. On the walls hang paintings by different artists, some oil, some watercolor. The floors, tables and chairs are all wooden, and there is a big counter facing the entrance with a glass display of various delicious-looking baked goods. Behind the counter is an area where all the food is cooked. The owner, who appears to be late twenties/early thirties, cooks, rings up checks, buses tables, and even takes orders when it isn't too busy. I'm amazed at what she pulls off. At one point David dropped a fork, and she heard it fall from behind a corner and called over, "Need a new fork?"

"Yes, please," David replied.

"How did she know it was a fork? I wonder if she can tell by the sound?" I said.

"Maybe that's part of the training," David joked.

Roby and I both ordered the apple crisp French toast that comes with a side of cheesy scrambled eggs. The French toast is covered with cooked apples with granola sprinkled over them, topped with whipped cream and syrup. David and Mom had poached eggs laid on top of spinach, tomato, and English muffin, with potatoes on the side. The food was fabulous. I look forward to going there again.

Spring in January

2008-01-09T14:53:00.000-05:00

It is a beautiful day today! The temperature is approaching sixty degrees, giving us a pleasant respite from winter. It is funny, because although it feels like spring, there is still nearly two feet of snow on the ground that has not melted yet.

A Vote, and to the Library

2008-01-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

David and I went out to the polling station today and cast our vote for the New Hampshire primary. It is an exciting race, and right now I'm sitting in front of the TV watching the results slowly tallied from the precincts across the state.

After voting, we stopped by the library. I walked up the concrete steps, through the heavy wooden doors, and approached the reference desk.

The librarian behind the desk looked up and asked me, "Can I help you?"

"I'd like to drop off this volunteer application form for the volunteer coordinator," I said.

"OK," she replied, "I'll make sure she gets it."

I thanked her, smiled, and walked away. When I climbed back in the car, where David was waiting, David asked, "Everything taken care of?"

"Well, the volunteer coordinator told me to drop off the application at the reference desk, and now I just need to wait for her to give me a call. Then I'll go in for an interview."

I felt good about turning in the application. I am a little nervous about the interview, but I will deal with that when it comes.

A Wish for Clarity

2008-01-06T13:09:00.000-05:00

Every year on Dad's birthday, Mom would make an icebox cake. So in honor of what would have been my father's 64th birthday today, my mother made one that we ate this afternoon. I believe there are many variations of icebox cake, but the recipe that my father taught to my mother consists of layers of graham cracker, banana, and chocolate pudding, all repeated, and stacked within a baking dish. It is not cooked, but refrigerated (hence the name). It is simple but good.

One of my friends from high school who lives in Boston is applying to graduate programs in Library Science. She knew I was considering doing the same, and emailed and asked me where I was in the application process. I wrote her back a rambling email about how I'm still feeling indecisive about whether I want to be a librarian or not.

How does one really know what career they want? In college I quixotically wanted to be a poet; I never actually knew what job I desired, aside from teaching poetry at a university. Since then I have decided that I am not cut out for the competitive literary and scholarly world. Maybe I should not be focusing on a career at the moment, considering I have not even gone back to work in any capacity as of yet.

Still, a library career is appealing. I would be surrounded by books and learning all day, helping people find information. It seems like a job without too much stress, which is important because I'm not sure how much stress I will be able to handle on a job.

I wish I had some clarity. I guess I just need to take things one step at a time, and see where it takes me. Tomorrow I'll finish filling out the volunteer application. One step at a time...

Alternatives

2008-01-05T14:25:00.000-05:00

As I smoked my first cigarette of the morning, I realized how negative I felt. I did not accomplish much yesterday, and the resulting feelings of discouragement had carried over into today. I felt stuck.

Be positive, I said to myself. It is all in the mind. After taking an inventory of things that I am grateful for, I asked myself: What can I do to make today a positive experience?

I was able to come up with a few options:

Watch The Secret. Many of you are probably familiar with this documentary-style video. It is based on the "Law of Attraction," which asserts that whatever one thinks and feels will be attracted to them. Although I may not completely agree with it, I see it as an affirmation of the power of the mind and it encourages me to stay positive.
Do some creative writing.
Complete a couple tasks on the to-do list.
Meditate.
Read spiritual literature.

After brainstorming these ideas, my attitude had improved. If I follow through with some of these choices, today should be a good day. I just have to remember that there are always alternatives to wallowing in negativity.

A Toasty Little Room

2008-01-03T18:08:00.000-05:00

Simple Goals

2008-01-02T23:49:00.000-05:00

This morning I set two simple goals for the day: meditate, and make a To Do List. I figured this would be a good way to ease myself into the post-holiday world, and lay the groundwork for getting into a better routine.

By eight p.m., I still had not done either. But finally I felt a surge of motivation, and decided that I still had plenty of time to accomplish both tasks. I went up to my room, sat down, set my timer, closed my eyes, and meditated for twenty minutes.

When the timer went off, I opened my eyes, feeling a little more centered. I've been practicing meditation since last February, except for a gap over the past month. I'd like to take it up again, and this was a good first step.

Then I came downstairs and made a list of things I need to do, and a list of goals for my daily routine, such as exercise and meditation. I circled the tasks that I would like to accomplish tomorrow.

Although they were rather simple, I still felt good about achieving my modest goals for the day.

Where My Dreams May Lead...

2008-01-01T18:31:00.000-05:00

We had a poker game to celebrate last night. After all my relatives had left, I laid down on the couch at two a.m., and soon drifted off to sleep.

In my first dream of the new year, I was spending time with an old high school friend. In the dream, we felt great affection for each other, and we started kissing passionately- the kind of kisses that take your breath away.

As I started to wake up, I felt sad to leave her lips and the deep feelings of affection I had for her.

Wow, I thought, it has been a long time since I've been in the arms of a woman...

I felt part of me reawakening...

I felt a longing for the companionship of another...

I felt good, but lonely...

I started to evaluate my life.

I have made progress over the last year. No longer do I lay on the couch all day. I am more talkative, more engaged. But what lies beyond my small circle of comfort?

Nascent thoughts began to form in my mind: maybe it is time to step beyond myself... to push myself further out into the game of life. A job. An apartment. A girlfriend. For a long time it was too overwhelming to even consider striving for these goals. And in a way, it still is. But now I am almost able to desire these things, to imagine myself attaining them.

All this stirred up by the lips of a woman in a dream. It was more than a kiss, though. To me, it was a symbol of stepping back into the flow of life. My subconscious saying, don't forget what is out there... don't forget what possibilities life holds.

Self-portait

2008-01-01T15:13:00.000-05:00

I thought I would start off 2008 with a couple snapshot self-portaits. Here's to a new year of possibilities...

Morning Therapy

2007-12-31T15:03:00.000-05:00

I woke up to my alarm at 8:30 this morning, rolled out of bed and went downstairs to make some coffee. After eating breakfast, I drove through snow-covered roads to the mental health center. I checked in, waited for a few minutes, then my therapist Jeannine came and brought me back to her office.

We talked about what has been happening in my life.

"How is the librarian stuff going?" she asked.

"OK. I should start looking at schools soon. I'm still a bit ambivalent about it though. Looking ahead at the coming year, I think I may want to start working at some point, and I don't know if I'll need to go through an adjustment period before I start taking classes as well."

"That makes sense. Have you inquired about volunteering yet?"

"Yes! I finally called and talked to the volunteer coordinator."

"Good for you, Mike!"

"Thanks. I picked up a volunteer application and now I need to fill it out and return it."

"So this is still something that you want to do?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm not exactly looking forward to it intensely, but I think it will be good for me to get out and have more of a routine. Plus it will be a step toward getting back to work."

Later she asked, "How is the overeating going?"

"Ummm, not so good."

"Has it decreased at all?"

"No, not really."

"Do you have a sense of what is causing it?"

"I'm not sure. Sometimes it may be stress, but other times it just seems like a habit."

"I think that you need to come up with a plan," she said, "something that you do whenever you get cravings. Tell yourself that you will do it, say, three times. You may still end up overeating, but you will begin forming good habits as well. Also, some people find that if they get in a good routine, their overeating decreases. Perhaps volunteering will do that for you."

"I hope so." I replied. "I do feel like I have excess mental and physical energy that may make my cravings more intense. Being busier may improve things."

Soon time was up, and we scheduled an appointment for next month.

Now that I'm home, I need to clean the bathroom, because we are having relatives over for a New Year's Eve poker game.

I want to wish everyone a wonderful night, and a new year full of hope and promise.

Hopes and Burdens

2007-12-29T23:54:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to some old mix tapes I made when I was in high school. They take me back to a different time in my life. A time when I was so sure of myself. I had a good group of friends nearby, a girlfriend, the soccer team. I was a leader in Boy Scouts, and a writer and editor for the school newspaper. But my nostalgia is tempered by the fact that I was also depressed and full of angst and anger toward what seemed to be an unjust society.

Since then I've had much happen that I would have never dreamed of. I moved out to California. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Had a few different girlfriends. Lived in Tijuana, Mexico for six months. Moved back to San Diego near the beach, made new friends and learned to surf. Eventually I had a psychotic episode, was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and ended up back in New Hampshire, living at home again. Life has come full circle, yet I am a much different person than I was back in high school.

There is little that I regret, yet much that I may never accomplish. I always assumed that I would have a successful career, buy a house, get married, and have two or three children. Over the past year I have come to terms with the fact that all this may not be in the cards for me. It no longer frustrates or angers me. Que sera, sera.

I do still have some hopes and dreams though. I still want to get married someday; I feel having a partner to share life's ups and downs with would eventually be important to me. Right now, however, I feel it is enough to sort out my own life, without dealing with someone else's psyche.

Also, I think that some sort of gratifying work would be good for me in the long term. Work seems to give people a sense of purpose and satisfaction.

But I am no longer jealous of my friends that have career track jobs with stock options and a 401K. That is great for them, but may never materialize for me. It is my own life, and I need to set my own goals and try not to compare myself to others.

We all have our own burdens to carry. And I must do the best I can with what I have been given.

Christmas Day

2007-12-28T15:02:00.000-05:00

We woke up Christmas morning, and gathered around the tree to open gifts. "Why don't you pass out the presents, like Dad used to do," my mother asked me. I agreed and got down on my knees to reach under the tree. We opened gifts, and afterwards had a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, potatoes, coffee and orange juice. It was a pleasant morning.

After breakfast we drove down to Cromwell, Connecticut where my grandmother lives. She was having the annual Christmas dinner with all my aunts and uncles and cousins on my father's side. It was nice seeing everyone. A couple of my cousins just had babies in November, so there were a couple new babies around for us to dote over. It was my cousin Eric's first child, and he cradled his son with the proud smile of a new father.

Before eating, we always pass out small glasses of Asti, an Italian sparkling wine, and somebody gives a toast. David was asked to speak this year, and we all crowded into the living room, holding champagne glasses, listening to his words. He started, "First of all, I want to remember Grandpa and my father, who will always be with us in spirit." Continuing, he congratulated the parents of the new babies, and Mom and Roby for their marriage. Then he thanked Grandma for having the party and staying strong all these years. His delivery was great, and the content was moving. When he finished, we all clinked glasses together, wishing each other a Merry Christmas.

The food was delicious, especially the much anticipated lasagna. My Italian grandmother has made it for years, and recently she passed down the recipe to her daughter Dianna; now they make it together. Aunt Dianna said that she went to three different specialty shops to get all the sausage, ground beef, noodles, and fresh ricotta cheese. It was perfect.

After dinner many of us fell asleep in the living room, despite drinking my grandmother's strong coffee that she always brews. The smell of coffee will always remind me of her house.

Overall I was able to handle the socializing and activity pretty well. I went upstairs to the guest bedroom to take a couple breaks, and once in a while sneaked outside for some fresh air and a cigarette. Eventually people started leaving, giving everyone big hugs and well wishes.

Later David and I were sitting alone with Grandma in the living room. She said, "Roby seems like a really nice guy. I'm glad to see your mother has found someone she is happy with." I was relieved to hear these words, because we were a little worried about how Grandma was handling my mother's remarriage. I think it was hard for her, because it was a strong reminder that her son is no longer with us.

Soon we all went to bed, content with a nice Christmas celebration.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T01:20:00.001-05:00

Wow, I've been really busy. John came in from New York City yesterday, so I've been hanging out with him and David. John needed to finish his shopping today, so we went out with him. I made a pot of chili tonight for a party I'm going to on Wednesday. Also, I helped David make sugar cookies. I just finished wrapping presents, and now I need to clean up the kitchen and go to bed. Despite all the activity, I've been holding up pretty well. I may not be around much for a couple days, because we're going down to Connecticut to visit my relatives tomorrow.

I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. May all of you have a safe, wonderful day!

The Holiday Season Continues...

2007-12-23T15:24:00.000-05:00

We went to the Christmas party for Roby's side of the family last night, at his daughter Jackie's house. Roby has eight children, so with the wedding my family suddenly became much bigger, adding many step-brothers and sisters. It is funny to think of them that way, though, because most of them are much older than me. Roby is about fourteen years older than my Mom, resulting in a large gap between the age of their children.

At the party, David was talking about his plans for winter break, saying "No, I won't be working, but I'll be productive through..."

"Define productive," Mom said, giving him a hard time

"Well, I've been exercising, and I'm working on a business plan."

"So what you're saying," Jackie interjected playfully, "Is my fifteen year old son will be working more than you will during vacation?"

"Haha, yeah, I guess so."

They did not say anything to me, but I felt embarrassed about my own unemployment. Much of society's definition of a productive individual relies on gainful employment. At times, not having a job brings on feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps I am not pushing myself hard enough? Some of the symptoms of schizophrenia are lack of motivation, apathy, and social withdrawal. But how do I separate these symptoms from normal feelings of self doubt, fear and laziness? Since I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I have tried to take things slow, so I would not become overwhelmed. But have I let myself coast instead of climbing the path of recovery?

"So what do you plan on doing next summer?" Mom asked David.

"Well, I'm starting to apply to internships. I'm hoping to get one in Boston or New York."

Boston or New York... that's when I realized that David may not return home for the summer. Small pangs of sorrow rose in my chest. I will miss him if he doesn't come home after next semester.

The party continued, and overall it was pretty good. David and I hovered near the food tables and ate until we were stuffed. Roby's family members are all personable and friendly, so it is easy enough to get along with them. It was a good way for us to get to know our new side of the family better, even if I felt awkward and nervous at times.

The holiday season continues, with one more party down.

The Never Ending Parking Lot

2007-12-22T14:04:00.000-05:00

David and I went to the mall today to finish up our Christmas shopping. We expected the mall would be busy because it is so close to Christmas. The mall is surrounded by parking lots on all sides, and when we arrived, we encountered a good amount of traffic coming and going through the lots.

It did not take us very long to complete our shopping. Soon we were getting back into the car, ready to go.

We started off slow, because it was bumper to bumper traffic traveling on the road that brings you around the whole mall. Soon we went from moving slowly to a dead stop. Literally, we would move one car length, then wait five to ten minutes to move another car length.

After about an hour, I left David with the car and went back into the mall to buy some soda and snacks. When I returned, David had hardly moved.

About a half hour later, I asked David, "How many miles per hour do you think we're averaging?"

"I don't know... how far do you think we've gone? Maybe five or six hundred feet?"

"Six hundred sounds about right."

"Well, we don't have anything better to do," David said, pulling out the calculator on his cell phone. "There are 5,280 feet in a mile, so..." A few seconds later he said, "We're moving .025 miles an hour!"

"We're cruising!"

Finally, about an hour later, we started moving faster. By the time we actually left the mall property, we had been driving for over three hours!

It actually did not seem that long; being with David made the time go by fairly quickly. But I have never experienced traffic like that before.

And thankfully we are both done our Christmas shopping now.

Remicade and a Brightened Day

2007-12-21T00:54:00.000-05:00

I arrived at the hospital this morning at nine o'clock, as scheduled. I entered Admissions, and told them I was there for a Remicade infusion. Remicade is a medication designed for Crohn's disease; it is administered every eight weeks to maintain remission. My gastroenterologist convinced me to get on it when we realized that I needed more aggressive treatment for my Crohn's.

This was last spring- I was feeling fine, when suddenly one night I started experiencing abdominal pain. My Mom was out to dinner with Roby, and when they returned home, I was lying on the couch clutching my side. I thought it might be my appendix, so I went to the emergency room. After doing some imaging tests, the radiologist and surgeon determined that my intestine had perforated, requiring emergency abdominal surgery. After the surgery, my doctor started me on the Remicade. I've been in remission since being on the medicine.

So this morning, after checking in with Admissions, one of the nurses brought me upstairs to a hospital room. Basically, I sit there on a hospital bed while the Remicade drips through an IV into my body. They feed me lunch, and take my vital signs periodically.

My nurse today was about my age, with brown hair and a contagious smile. She was warm and friendly, and really brightened my day. Everything went smoothly, and I was out by early afternoon.

After I returned home, I could not help but think about the nurse... I guess in the short time at the hospital I developed a bit of a crush. It was nice to feel romantically towards someone... even if it was just a fleeting dream.

A Phone Call and a Candidate

2007-12-20T01:14:00.000-05:00

Today I finally persuaded myself to call the library to inquire about volunteer positions. I used Kelly Jene 's idea of rewarding myself if I called, and it worked!

So I talked to the volunteer coordinator, and she described the process to me. First, I need to stop by and fill out a form. Then, if they have any work that would fit me, I go in for an interview, and after that, they do a criminal check. They do not make it too easy to provide them with free labor. Oh well. I'm relieved that I actually set the process in motion.

This afternoon David was reading the paper, and said to me, "Did you know that Barack Obama is going to be in town tonight?"

"Oh yeah?" I replied. Since we live in New Hampshire, where the first in the nation primary is held, we constantly have presidential candidates coming through to drum up votes. It allows us to get plenty of exposure to the people running. I take my vote seriously because whoever wins New Hampshire and Iowa has a good chance of winning the party nomination.

"There is a number here to call to reserve seats. Do you want to go?" he asked.

I am registered as an independent, allowing me to vote on either a Democratic or Republican ballot, and I have not yet decided which ballot I will take or which candidate I will vote for. I thought it would be interesting to participate in the process by listening to a candidate speak, so I agreed to go.

It was held at a local hotel in a large room with space for about 500 people. First Obama gave a speech, then took questions from the audience. I have to say that I was impressed, but not blown away. It was a good opportunity to see a candidate in person, and I am glad I took it. I am still undecided, but now I want to go see other presidential hopefuls so I can make comparisons between them.

Delectable Dinner and Dessert

2007-12-18T23:52:00.000-05:00

Today Mom was out shopping for Christmas presents, and called home mid-afternoon to ask if I would make some turkey soup for dinner. After I hung up, I diced onions, carrots, and celery and threw them in the pot to saute them with butter and olive oil. Once they were partially cooked, I poured in some chicken stock and let it simmer while I cut up the broccoli and the left-over turkey from the Christmas party. I dumped all that into the pot with some spiral noodles and let it simmer until it was cooked. My family said that it was really good.

After dinner we took some of the remaining wedding cake out of the freezer to defrost. We made coffee, and once the cake was thawed we dug in. The cake is almond flavored, with alternating layers of amaretto and raspberry frosting, covered with a butter-cream frosting. Delicious!

No, Not Yet...

2007-12-17T23:42:00.000-05:00

There is a new study out, reported by schizophrenia.com, saying that people with schizophrenia are less likely to get cancer, despite the fact that many of them eat poorly and smoke. Heart disease- that's a whole different issue- we have plenty of that. Not so much cancer.

Turns out, there is a genetic link between cancer and schizophrenia. While in cancer these genes cause their cells to multiply out of control, in schizophrenia the same genes slow them down, seemingly preventing cancer. Interesting.

Anyway... yesterday one of my Aunts asked me if I was working, and I had to answer, "No, not yet." This came to mind today as I was trying to convince myself to call the library to ask about volunteer opportunities. I have been wanting to volunteer for a few months now, and I put it off and put it off... but now I am out of excuses. I need to find the motivation to do it. I almost feel guilty for not working or volunteering.

I have read some people say that working was an important part of their recovery from mental illness, that it gave them the purpose and discipline that they needed. Why would I think that it will be any different for me? I guess I just have bad associations with work because of previous jobs I have had, and I am cautious about how I would react mentally to all the stress and activity of a job.

This is why I consider it important to start volunteering first- so I can ease into it and develop a healthy mindset for working. If only I would pick up the phone and call...

A Party With the Family

2007-12-16T23:55:00.000-05:00

David finished his last final exam yesterday and was supposed to drive home from college last night to avoid the huge snowstorm that was to start early this morning. However, he fell asleep at his girlfriend's place and did not wake up until four AM, and by the time he hit the road, the storm was in full force. Fortunately he navigated the storm safely, and jumped into bed as soon as he arrived at seven AM.

I first saw him a little before noon, when he got out of bed. I noticed how groggy he looked. "A little tired?" I asked.

"Man, I'm exhausted."

"How was the ride?"

"I could only see fifty feet in front of me, and the median line was completely covered with snow. I had to go at forty miles an hour the whole way. At least there wasn't much traffic at that time of day."

"Well, I'm glad you made it OK!" I said.

"Ha, me too! It was a long drive. So... is the Christmas party starting soon?"

"Yeah, people should be arriving in a half hour."

David jumped in the shower, and pretty soon my relatives started trickling in.

The party turned out well. I did not suffer from much anxiety, which was nice. A few weeks ago I was starting to dread the holiday season, because of all the socializing and family parties I could see on the horizon. But now that I've made it through Thanksgiving and the wedding, and the first Christmas party, I'm starting to feel more confident. It does help to have David around, because we stayed by each other for much of the party, and he is easy to converse with. I am glad he is home for winter break.

Cleaning and Snow Pictures

2007-12-15T15:38:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow my Mom is throwing the annual holiday party for her side of the family so today we are spending time cleaning up the house. I vacuumed the downstairs, and I will soon clean the upstairs bathroom.

Yesterday I used Mom's camera to take some pictures of the snow, since her camera is much nicer than mine. I thought I'd post a few that I took. The falling snow that you see in some of them is coming down from the trees.

Snow Covered World

2007-12-14T15:55:00.000-05:00

As the Snow Falls...

2007-12-13T23:46:00.000-05:00

It is snowing, and it is coming down hard. I was standing outside looking out at the backyard, smoking a cigarette, and listening to the falling snow hitting the trees and the ground. It makes a peaceful sound like thousands of tiny fairies lightly tap-dancing all at once. I feel fortunate that I do not have to go anywhere; I can enjoy the snow without worrying about driving in it.

Now that I do not have to expend energy preparing for the GRE anymore, I feel this would be a good time for me to get serious about dealing with my unhealthy relationship to food. To put it lightly, I have a serious snacking problem; I overeat on a daily basis, and I have not been able to stop myself.

So tonight I pulled out a book that I had purchased from Amazon a few weeks ago called The Overeater's Journal: Exercises for the Heart, Mind and Soul. It is full of journaling exercises to aid in recovery. Divided into three main sections, it addresses the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual aspects of addiction. It is based on the premise that through writing one can start to come to terms with their problem and gain self awareness on the way to recovery. The first exercise is creating a meal plan for the day, and then recording what you actually end up eating.

Part of me does not want to do this and would rather maintain the status quo. That part of me likes overeating.

The other part of me sensed a spark of hope- the possibility of no longer being at the mercy of my desires for food.

We'll see what happens. Either way, I feel I am one step closer to confronting my problem with compulsive overeating.

Light as a Feather

2007-12-12T23:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I took the test today, and since it is administered on a computer, you get the results for the math and verbal sections right after you finish. And the results were good! I ended up scoring higher than I was aiming for, so I am very happy with how everything turned out. I will not get the results for the essay section for a couple weeks, but I'm confident that I did fairly well on those as well.

I feel relieved to have it behind me. I actually feel lighter than I did this morning since I no longer have it weighing on my mind.

I think I will sleep well tonight.

Prepared and Ready to Go

2007-12-11T21:36:00.000-05:00

"So, big test tomorrow, huh?" Roby said to me today. "Are you all prepared?"

"Yeah, I have a couple of last things I want to look over, but other than that I'm ready. I've learned all my vocab words, studied all the material, and I've taken a few practice tests, so I feel pretty comfortable going into it tomorrow."

I found my own words reassuring, as my actual feelings have been up and down today. At times I felt nervous and stressed, but for the most part I've remained fairly calm. I know that in the big scheme of things the GRE is rather insignificant, but regardless I could not help but get a little worked up about it. But it is out of my hands now. I've done the preparation and I just need to do my best.

I'm about to take a nice hot shower, make some tea, and try to get to bed early so I am rested tomorrow.

Minor Thoughts of a Simple Day

2007-12-10T23:40:00.000-05:00

I went out today to pick up cigarettes and return some books to the library. It snowed a couple more inches last night, so I enjoyed driving around looking at the snow covered world.

I am down to my last couple days of studying for the GRE. Now that I am facing the test date this week, I feel slightly nervous about taking it, but at the same time I feel pretty confident that I'll do well.

Over the past few weeks I have fallen out of the habit of meditating every day and reading spiritual literature. Today I was reading a publication that was about different people who have found strength in their spirituality to become more accepting of what life brings. It was relaxing to read. And it gave me hope to read about people who were able to change their mental habits to deal with life more gracefully. It was a reminder to try harder to integrate meditation and spiritual reading back into my life.

A Decorated Christmas Tree

2007-12-09T21:38:00.000-05:00

Well, we waited until after dinner tonight to decorate the tree. We made hot chocolate and pulled out the ornaments. Here it is:

My mother loves birds, so we have a birds and bulb theme for the tree. Here's a few birds in the tree:

Just as we were finishing putting the ornaments on the tree, we looked outside and realized it had started snowing. So we turned off all the house lights and sat around the tree while snow fell outside the window.

Getting in the Christmas Spirit

2007-12-08T12:32:00.001-05:00

I awoke this morning to a knock on my bedroom door. It was Mom.

"Roby and I are going out to breakfast, and then we'll pick up a Christmas tree. You want to come?"

"Sure!" I replied. "I'll be up in a minute." I was pleasantly surprised that we were going to get a tree today.

Soon we were in the station wagon driving to a nearby town where there is a tree farm that lets you cut down your own tree. On the way we stopped at a small restaurant. To my delight, they had a breakfast buffet. I loaded up my plate with scrambled eggs, bacon, home-fries, and a small pancake with strawberries and real whipped cream. All that with a hot cup of coffee. It was delicious. After I was finished, I even went back for a piece of apple pie! I shouldn't have, but it was a small piece, and it was calling to me.

We left satisfied, and drove to the tree farm. It is a nice family run business, and the mother came over to tell us where to go for the trees. We grabbed a saw and a plastic sled and started stomping through the snow up a hill to a clearing where all the trees sat. Right away we found a full, round tree. We brushed off the snow to get a better look at it, and decided that we all liked it. After cutting it down, we plopped it onto the sled and pulled it down the hill.

Walking through the snow covered woods, smelling a freshly cut tree really put me in the Christmas spirit. I thought of my friend Andrew, who is also getting a tree today. He's really excited, and I hope everything goes well for him.

After tying down the tree, we went to a tent the owners had set up that had cookies and hot chocolate. We each had a cup and chatted with the workers.

We finished our hot chocolate and began our drive back home. The radio played Christmas songs the whole way.

Here is a picture of our tree on top of the station wagon. I'll take another picture when we get it up and all decorated.

A Calm, Elderly Man

2007-12-07T22:41:00.000-05:00

Roby is a hospice volunteer with the visiting nurses association, and part of the work he does is taking part in vigils. The volunteers take shifts staying with people who are dying so that they constantly have someone with them until they pass away.

Roby spoke to me about a man he visited today. He said, "He was really in a good place, so calm. He had everything together. It is good to see someone who is not terrified of dying."

He paused, then continued, "You know, everyone keeps telling me I should do volunteer work that is not so depressing... but it doesn't bring me down at all. I feel I get a lot out of it. And that nursing home I went to today is great. They really do all they can for the patients."

"It's encouraging to hear of a place like that," I said.

"Yeah, I had heard about it, but until you see it, it is hard to believe. Each room even has its own patio and the doors slide open and they can push the patients' beds right out to get some fresh air. Really nice."

When my time comes, I'd rather die at home. But if I ever need to be in a nursing home, the one Roby visited sounds like a good option.

I think of that man, peacefully awaiting his own death, and I wonder... how will I respond when it is my time to go? Is it a blessing to see your own death on the horizon, counting down the last breaths? Or would it be better to pass away during sleep? I think I would want to be conscious for my last moments.

On a lighter note, I took a practice GRE test today, and I did fairly well. I'm feeling more comfortable with the test as a whole, which is good, because I take the real thing next Wednesday.

At the Bank

2007-12-06T23:36:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I was sitting in the lobby of my bank, waiting for Eric. I had some money saved up from the last job I worked before developing schizophrenia, and since my expenses are low because I live at home, I had a little extra to put into an IRA retirement account. I had to meet with Eric to decide how to allocate the money. Within a few minutes he arrived, and took me into his office.

Eric is probably in his mid-fifties, with graying hair and a professional demeanor. He needed to know my financial situation, to make sure I would not need to take any money out of the account. So naturally, he asked the question: "Where do you work?"

I do not disclose that I have schizophrenia to people I have just met, because I feel stigma is still common when it comes to mental illness. So instead of being explicit about why I'm not working, I said, "I've been between jobs for a while because of health problems."

"Is your health OK?" he asked, showing some concern.

"Yeah, I'm OK. It's getting better."

"Where was the last place you worked?"

"At the Journal of the American College of Cardiology, as an editorial assistant," I replied.

"Oh, you have a medical background?"

"No, I have an English degree, so it was more for the editorial work."

"Do you have any sources of income?"

"I am on disability, so I have some money coming in from that."

Satisfied that I would not be withdrawing money out of the retirement account, he left it at that. He did not pry, nor ask any further questions about my health. I noticed that my face was hot, and I realized I was probably blushing from nervous energy. Although this sort of conversation makes me uncomfortable, it was good for me to have practice discussing this type of thing.

He spent almost an hour talking to me about the different mutual funds I could put my money into, until I made a decision I was happy with. I appreciate him taking his time with me, considering the modest amount of money I was putting in.

I left feeling good about the appointment, but happy to have it behind me.

Blood Work

2007-12-05T23:57:00.000-05:00

"Welcome home!" I said to my mother and Roby this morning when I came downstairs and saw that they were home. "Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah, it was really nice. We took some pleasant walks in the snow. I'll be glad to get back to eating regular food though. We ate out all the time, and the breakfasts they made us at the bed-and-breakfast were very good, but fattening! That's OK, though. It was our honeymoon."

They showed me pictures of the place they stayed at, and video from the wedding.

This afternoon I went to the local hospital to get my blood drawn. I left my car in the parking garage, and walked up the hill to the hospital. I wonder how older, sick people make it up this hill, I thought to myself. I walked at a brisk pace to escape the cold. Once in the hospital, I walked to the right and entered the laboratory.

After signing in, the woman behind the window said, "You can come on back." I stepped through the doorway and took a seat next to the receptionist.

"Do you have an order slip?" she asked me.

"No, it's a standing order."

She looked through a file cabinet and found my doctor's order. "Diagnosis? OK, it says it here: Crohn's disease."

"Yes," I confirmed.

I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease approximately four years ago. At the time I was feeling constantly worn out, I had abdominal pain, my appetite was non-existent, and I was losing too much weight. (The most common symptom of the illness is persistent diarrhea, but fortunately that has never been a serious problem for me). After various tests, my doctors told me I had an inflammatory bowel condition called Crohn's disease. I've been taking medicine for it ever since. Right now it is in remission, and I feel good physically. I have blood work done every month to make sure the disease is still in check.

"OK, we're all set here. The technician will draw your blood now."

I followed the technician back to the second room on the right.

"Have a preference of which arm?" he asked.

"No, whichever looks better to you."

I am not too squeamish when it comes to getting my blood drawn, and he was skilled at his job, so after a little prick, we were soon done, and I was on my way.

Sushi and the Supermarket

2007-12-04T23:47:00.000-05:00

Without my mother here, the food supply has been steadily dwindling down. So today I finally decided to go food shopping. When I entered the store, I noticed that my heart rate was up, and I was feeling slightly anxious. Public places are not always a problem for me, but the supermarket in particular makes me nervous. It is there that I am most likely to bump into people I am acquainted with.

Despite some social anxiety, I made my way through the store picking up items on the list. I was looking for something easy for dinner, and I stumbled across a sushi display. I love everything about sushi- the seaweed wrap covered in rice, the wasabi and soy sauce, the ginger, the chop sticks- everything, except- the raw fish. Problem solved: I picked out a vegetable roll that contained cucumber, avocado and shredded carrots. I think of it as sushi for beginners.

Sushi in cart, I weaved through the rest of the store, picking up what I needed.

When I found the last item on the list, Chap Stick, I started to move toward the checkout and finally ran into someone I knew. I was relieved to see that it was Mrs. C, one of my mother's friends.

"Is that you Mike? I'm not good at picking up faces when people have baseball hats on."

"Hi, Mrs. C, how are you?"

Her son, who is about my age, has bi-polar and also lives at home with his parents. Although I do not know them very well, I feel a connection to their family, since they are dealing with some similar mental health issues.

"Did your mother get married last weekend as planned?" she asked.

"Yeah, it was a nice ceremony. Everything went well."

"Oh, good to hear. You know, you guys are being so good about the whole thing. I know it must be difficult having someone new come into the picture, but it sounds like you and your brothers have been really supportive of your mother, and that's great. Roby really means a lot to her."

"I know," I said. "It's good to see her happy with someone."

"Now, did I hear that you're planning on going back to school for library science?"

"Well, it's not definite yet, but I'm thinking about it."

"I hope whatever you decide to do works out for the best."

"Thank you."

We said goodbye, and our conversation was over. As usual, the chance encounter that I had feared was not nearly as difficult as anticipated.

After getting through the check out line, I pushed my cart outside to the car, and loaded up the trunk with groceries. Mission accomplished.

And my sushi dinner was delicious.

Let It Snow...

2007-12-03T23:52:00.000-05:00

I woke this morning to the rumbling of a snow plow clearing off our street. Looking out the window, I was greeted by a white landscape.

This is the view looking out at our backyard. On the fence are Christmas decorations, and our shed is in the background.

My mother called today. It sounds like they are having a nice honeymoon. They decided against anything too extravagant, and instead drove up to a nice bed-and-breakfast in northern New Hampshire. They've been taking winter hikes in the surrounding hills.

She owns an apartment building, and ever the vigilant landlord, she had called one of her tenants to see if the driveway had been properly plowed this morning. Then she called me.

"Michael, the plow went through, but the sidewalks need to be cleared a little bit. Could you go down and do that for me?"

"Sure, no problem," I said.

So I dressed up in warm clothes, scraped off the car, and drove down to the apartment building with a shovel. The job did not take long, and soon I was back home. I stayed in the rest of the day, watching the continuing snowfall from inside the warm house.

A Day of Reflection

2007-12-02T23:39:00.000-05:00

I woke this morning to an empty house. I thumped down the stairs and put some water on the stove for my coffee. When the kettle started whistling I picked it up and poured it over the coffee grounds I had scooped into my French press. As I waited for the coffee to steep, I rolled a cigarette and thought about how quiet it is here now that everyone is gone. My brothers left yesterday, and my mother is off on her honeymoon with Roby. I suppose I grew accustomed to the companionship of my brothers; now I found myself in the social vacuum created when they all returned to their busy lives.

Despite experiencing some loneliness, I felt pleased with how everything went. In fact, I had surprised myself: I anticipated becoming run down and mentally weary with all the activity and socializing, but I feel I handled it rather well.

I ate breakfast, drank my coffee, and went out to smoke my cigarette. I thought of Fay, who sat next to me at the wedding. She knew my father from a kidney support group, where my father had gone when he was on dialysis. When she was leaving the wedding, she said to me, "Your father was a great guy. Very calm and content." Her words struck a chord within me, and I thought of my father's own words, "The most important thing in life is to be content." It amazed me that Fay described my father the same way he would have described himself. Despite his protracted illness, I never heard him once complain. He accepted what life gave him with a positive attitude.

Back in the house, I watered the flower arrangement that we had given to my mother. I'm trying to keep it alive until they return from their honeymoon. Some of the flowers are already starting to die, but I believe some of them will survive. I'll just weed out the wilted ones so only the live ones remain.

As the day continued I found myself dealing with bouts of nostalgia, triggered by a song on the radio, or a movie on TV. Apparently the wedding stirred up my feelings, making me more emotionally sensitive.

I'm going to try to get to bed earlier tonight so I can rise at a reasonable hour.

I hope to wake up to a world covered in snow.

Love and Marriage

2007-12-01T23:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, at five o'clock, I needed to drive my mother and her matron of honor down to the wedding hall so they could get dressed and prepared for the ceremony that was to be held at six. Carol, the matron of honor, lives across the street from us. I grew up with her son, and so she was like a second mother to me. I call her "Aunt" Carol, even though we're not related. We were talking as we waited in the car for my mother to come out of the house. Aunt Carol said, "I hope he's the right one for her. They sure seem happy together."

"Yeah, they do," I replied. But her statement shook me up a little bit. I started thinking, Is he the best man for my mother? What if he isn't? My mother got in the car holding her dress, and I, feeling a bit unsettled, drove them down to the restaurant.

By six o'clock all the guests were seated, waiting for the ceremony to begin. The groom was standing up front, patiently waiting as well. Soon the music started and we all turned to see Aunt Carol making her way down the aisle with an elegant bouquet of calla lilies. After she took her position up front, my mother started to walk down the aisle. When I saw her, a wave of emotion rose up in my chest, but I pushed it back down, as I did not want to cry. We all stood up as she walked by, and the ceremony was underway.

The Justice of the Peace spoke eloquently about the union of man and woman in marriage. At times I was lost in thought. Mom's getting married. How do I feel about this? What am I supposed to think? I felt slightly disconnected from what was enfolding in front of me.

After they exchanged vows, we all moved to where the tables and dance floor were set up, while they took pictures of the bride and groom. I was still experiencing feelings of ambivalence during the hors d'oeuvres and dinner. The appetizers were great, though: breaded and fried balls of cheese and broccoli, stuffed mushrooms, scallops rolled in bacon, and more. Dinner was excellent as well.

At one point I bumped into my Aunt Dianna, who is my father's sister. My mother invited my father's family to the wedding, because she still wants to remain close to them, even though she is getting remarried.

"Hi Michael," Aunt Dianna said, putting her arm on my back. "How you holding up?"

"Not bad. How are you?"

"All right. I miss your father, but I'm happy for your mother. She has to move on."

Another wave of emotion welled up inside me at the mention of my deceased father. I managed to say, "Yeah, they're happy together."

After dinner the DJ sat Roby in the middle of the dance floor, and my mother stood next to him with a microphone. She sang a beautiful song that she had written about spending the rest of her life with her best friend. As I listened to the loving words of the song, and saw them gazing into each other's eyes, my mixed feelings started to drop away, and my heart felt lighter.

Later, my mother's sister Debbie came and sat next to me. She said, "Hasn't this whole wedding been beautiful? Every day I thank God for bringing the two of them together. They are so good for each other. For them to find one another like that is amazing." She's right, I though to myself, it is great that they have each other.

The wedding wrapped up around eleven o'clock. My brothers, their girlfriends, and I all packed into the car and drove home. It was a good night of festivities that was much easier to handle than I had anticipated. I thought that I would have trouble socializing with so many people, but I stayed relatively calm.

Later that night, David looked outside and said, "It's snowing!" Sure enough, there was white fluffy snow falling from the sky. We all put our shoes on and went outside to enjoy a moment of early winter bliss. I gave John a cigarette and we stood there smoking, savoring the last moments of the day.

Flowers for the Bride

2007-11-30T15:58:00.000-05:00

My brothers and I went to pick up some flowers for my mother. We picked up a large arrangement with hydrangeas, sweet roses, red roses, sunflowers, and more.

We left the flower shop on the west side of town, and drove across the river into downtown to pick up John's girlfriend at the bus station.

When we arrived, John said, "You're going to have to get out, I'm stuck here." He had the giant flower arrangement wedged between his legs, and didn't want to risk dropping it.

I got out of the car and started walking across the parking lot towards the terminal. I saw a blond haired girl walking towards me. I've only met her once, and she's gotten a haircut since then, so it was hard to recognize her.

"Is that you?" She asked.

"Yeah, Stephanie?"

"Yep," she said. "I didn't know it was you now that you have the beard."

She is very gregarious, and immediately struck up conversation. "I took a nap on the bus, and set my alarm so I wouldn't miss my stop. I didn't want to end up in the next city!"

When we got to the car, she hopped in the back seat, and greeted John with a kiss. Then she said, "You look really good Mike. You look healthy. Vibrant."

"Thank you," I said, smiling. It was a kind compliment that warmed my heart.

Last time I saw her was months ago. I may have been on Risperdal at the time. I think the medicine dulled my personality. Or maybe the Abilify that I'm taking now is better at alleviating the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. Either way, I have noticed that I've been feeling better the last few months, and I'm grateful to be on Abilify.

OK, time to get dressed up for the wedding.

The Brothers Return

2007-11-29T11:56:00.000-05:00

I went to pick up my brother John at the bus station at five o'clock. He's as lively and animated as ever. I don't see him too often, since he lives in New York City, and it is nice spending time with him. His girlfriend, Stephanie, will come into town tomorrow afternoon.

My mother and Roby were at the hall/restaurant doing a run-through of the ceremony, and ate dinner there afterwards. John and I ate the chili my mother left for us simmering in the crock pot, along with some fresh cornbread. I appreciate what my mother does for us. She cooked food even though she wasn't eating at home.

David arrived with his girlfriend Leliah around nine. We spent the evening catching up on things, and laughing and joking. I'm feeling good, and enjoying having them around.

We also made sure we had all the clothes we all need for the wedding. Tomorrow John and I are going to run a few errands and pick up a black belt and shoes for him. At some point we want to pick up some flowers for my mother as well. Then of course the ceremony and reception at night.

It will be a busy day, but I am optimistic it will all go well.

...And They Wait

2007-11-28T23:01:00.000-05:00

My mother said today, "Boy, it's been a slow week." All the preparations have been made for the wedding; now they're just waiting for Friday to come.

There are a couple last minute things to get done around the house before my brothers arrive with their girlfriends: the plastic pumpkins need to be packed up, and my mother wants to make a pot of chili for tomorrow night.

It's my duty to get the upstairs bathroom all clean. "That should only take you twenty minutes," my mother said.

"Twenty minutes?" I asked, doubtfully. "I don't think so. Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist, but it always takes me a long time to clean things."

But her comment spurred me on, and I scrubbed the tub and toilet in twenty-five minutes. I'll do the sink tomorrow...

Right now I have a load of laundry in the washer that I need to move to the dryer. I'm utilizing the machines while they're still free, as I have a hunch that my brothers will both arrive with baskets of laundry in hand. The last time my brother John came home he was lugging his dirty clothes in one of those big green trash bags intended for yard waste, filled to the top.

I'm looking forward to seeing my brothers, but I'm bracing myself for the flurry of activity that is soon to come.

Belts and Slippers

2007-11-27T23:57:00.000-05:00

I realized today that I had "outgrown" my black belt, and I would need to buy a longer one for my mother's wedding. So off I went in search of a belt.

I went through the belt selection of four stores before I found a belt that both fit and looked good. The one I purchased was one of those nifty reversible belts, so I got a black and a brown belt, all in one.

Target was the third store I visited. Last time I was at Target was with my brother David when he was home for Thanksgiving break. He was eying up a pair of Moccasin slippers.

"Look how soft these are," he said.

"Mmm, those are nice," I replied. Then, not so subtly, "What size are you?"

"Nine and a half."

"These don't come in half sizes though. You think you'd be a ten?"

"Yeah, probably... why? You thinking about a Christmas gift?"

"Nooo...."

Real smooth.

So I picked up a pair for him when I was at Target. Sure he's expecting them, but he'll still enjoy wearing them.

And now my outfit for the wedding is complete: black suit with a deep red shirt, and a tie with both red and black in it to match. And of course black shoes and belt.

Just a few more days, and they tie the knot...

Waiting Rooms and Therapy

2007-11-26T23:51:00.000-05:00

"Hi, I'm here to see Jeannine at one o'clock," I said to the receptionist at the local mental health center.

"Great, she's running a little late, but she'll be with you shortly."

I walked across the waiting room and took my seat against the opposite wall. I sat still, except for an occasional foot tap in sync with the U2 song being played over the sound system. I always feel pretty awkward sitting in waiting rooms. It would be easier if I would pick up a magazine and try to engage myself in some reading, but I consider magazines in public places off limits because of how many germs I imagine lurking throughout the pages.

I thought back to when I first started coming to the mental health center, sitting in the waiting room looking around at the other patients for some sign of sanity, some hope that mental illness isn't the end of the world. And although there were some sullen faces, I would also be amazed at some of the patients who seemed to be holding up just fine, engaging each other in lively conversation.

It wasn't too long before Jeannine appeared and led me back to her little windowless room. As I followed her I stole a few glances at her face, and noticed how tired she looked. She was also sniffling, as if she had a cold. Tough day to be a therapist, I thought to myself. When I see therapists, I always wonder how they are doing. That doesn't usually come up in our conversations though.

Despite the apparent fatigue and cold, Jeannine was still fairly cheerful and attentive. After checking in with the normal happenings of my life, she asked, "So is there anything else on your mind?"

"Well, my mother's wedding is coming up this week."

"How are you doing with that?"

"I feel OK with it. It's been such a gradual progression- first having Roby stop by occasionally, and getting to know him a little, then eventually seeing him often, and then having him move in with us- that I've become accustomed to the whole thing. Plus he's a good guy, so I do approve. But I'm waiting for the moment when it hits me that they are really getting married... and my father is really not around anymore."

"It's good you're aware that you may have some moments, even days, when it hits you emotionally."

"Yeah, I think it will be OK."

When the hour was about up, she pulled out her appointment book and penciled me in for next month. I left, feeling good about the visit, and looking forward to the rest of my day.

Early Morning Dreaming

2007-11-26T12:46:00.000-05:00

I woke this morning with pleasant memories of the dream I was coming out of. I subscribe to the theory that dreams can be a vehicle for the subconscious to send messages and lessons to the conscious self. I had one such dream last night.

It took place in the future sometime, as was evident from a couple futuristic items, such as hoverboards (skateboards that hover- apparently my subconscious ideas about the future have been influenced heavily by Back to the Future). I kept asking my friends in the dream, Adam and Jeff, if I could use their hoverboards, even though I knew they would have no problem with it. Finally Adam said, "Yeah, dude, it's fine. Why are you worried about it? " And with those words, and his calm, carefree attitude that I sensed, a message arose into my mind. Don't be concerned with what other people think. Do what makes you happy. Granted, I should respect other people's possessions. But oddly enough, that was the message that came to me.

I've always been too anxious or sensitive about what other people think of me. I've known that I shouldn't be this way, but it is completely different when it comes to you out of the experience of a dream- I could feel the truth of the message.

I woke up to a slight dusting of icy snow on the ground, and felt peaceful. I felt hopeful. You can't control what other people think. You can't control the world. Do what makes you happy. I felt there was a world of possibility at my feet, just waiting for me to hop out of bed.

Quiet Sunday

2007-11-25T22:54:00.000-05:00

It's been a pretty quiet day today. I'm trying to relax and take it easy. All this studying for the GRE has been starting to stress me out, so I took today off. I'm scheduled to take the test in little more than two weeks, and it's going to be a busy couple weeks because my mother's wedding is on Friday.

So I've decided not to volunteer at the library until after I take the GRE. At first I was disappointed in myself, because I felt committed to starting a volunteer job. However, as the test date gets closer and closer, I feel my preparation time running out, and I just don't want to subject myself to the stress of trying to do both.

I sat down today and strummed my acoustic guitar for a while, letting my thoughts and emotions float on the chords I played. The guitar is a cathartic instrument to play; it is so expressive and even percussive in nature, that is, one can strum lightly or harshly, thump out a rhythm or finger-pick a peaceful melody.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful Sunday.

Pangs from an Old Addiction

2007-11-24T19:46:00.000-05:00

I went downtown today, to go to a smoke shop to buy incense and rolling tobacco.

As I entered the smoke shop I walked past hookahs, Buddha heads and psychedelic images on the walls. I surveyed the merchandise placed underneath glass counters: bongs, knives, pipes, and flasks. Welcome to New Hampshire's counterculture.

I felt little pangs of desire as I visually examined the multicolored, glass-blown pipes. It's been almost one year and eight months since I last smoked marijuana, yet there is still a part of me that wishes I could buy a glass piece, take it home and sit back and smoke a little nug of weed. I'll just do it on occasion, I tell myself, but the plea is short lived. I know myself better than that. I wasn't a casual smoker, and I doubt I ever could be. When I smoked, I smoked up all the time. Before work, after work, before dinner, after dinner, before hanging out with friends, while hanging out with friends, before bed... all the time.

That's how it was, and then I stopped, cold turkey. I have not smoked marijuana since the day I was admitted to the mental hospital in San Diego. From the hospital I came back east with my mother, leaving my California life behind me.

Had I stayed in Cali, it would have been incredibly hard to quit; it was part of my routine and my social life. Back home in New England, I was divorced from all the elements that would have drawn me back to the drug. Sure I craved it and longed for it... and I still have moments of nostalgia for my favorite herb... but I know keeping clean is the best decision: research has shown that those who have schizophrenia and smoke marijuana are more prone to relapses. I don't want to put my mental health in jeopardy.

My thoughts were wisped away with a pleasant, "What can I help you with?" I looked up, and saw a young, attractive woman with plenty of piercings peering back at me from behind the register. "I'll take these," I said, placing three small boxes of Nag Champa incense on the counter, "And I need some rolling tobacco."

I left the store satisfied with my purchase: sweet scented sticks and my second favorite plant to roll up and smoke. Sure, someday I'll need to quit that as well, but for now I'm just happy to be sober.

Slivers of Time

2007-11-23T23:12:00.000-05:00

Roby took me and my mother out to dinner tonight. I ordered stake tips, which were cooked just right- medium rare, and charred on the surface.

Afterwards we stopped by my Aunt and Uncle's house to see my cousin, Tara, who is in town from Ohio. I haven't seen her, or her kids, in over a year, and the children have really grown (like children tend to do).

"Come look at these pictures, Mike," Tara said. I followed her into the den.

She grabbed a stack of old pictures, and we started flipping through. There we are, all dressed up for Halloween- cute kids in costumes without anything on our mind except how much candy we'll be able to rake in from the neighborhood.

The more pictures we looked at, the farther back in time we went. There was a Christmas from the 80's, with frizzy perms and rat tails. We came to a poker game that, judging by the gaudy clothing, had to take place in the 70's. Chips are on the table, and there is my father, mustache and big cigar, peering down at his cards.

My father loved poker his whole life. He saw it as a game of strategy and psychology, where the best man will win in the long run. When a young man, he entertained dreams of becoming a professional poker player, although he stuck to his accounting business. Regardless, he always went to his weekly poker game, and once retired, made plenty of trips to Foxwoods to test his skills. It was a passion for him, like hunting and sports are for other men. Even during his last couple months, when he was too weak to leave the house, he was able to enjoy playing online poker- a respite from the fatigue and illness.

And there he was in the photo, frozen in time: young, healthy, doing what he loved.

We finished looking at the pictures, and I left soon after. But my thoughts still linger on that photo, a piece of time stolen from decades ago, showing my father, forever smoking a cigar while playing cards.

A Thanksgiving to be Grateful For

2007-11-22T18:56:00.000-05:00

Today I went with Roby and my mother to Roby's daughter Jackie's house. We walked up the front pathway to her house, rang the doorbell, and pushed inside. Paul, Jackie's husband, greeted us with handshakes and "happy thanksgiving!" We walked up the stairs from the entryway, turned, and I saw them- a group of about eight people I had never seen before. "Oh hell no," I thought to myself. I'm rather shy, and get intimidated by being around a number of people I don't know. But the introductions came and went, and the afternoon was underway.

My fears were unfounded, as everyone ended up being very pleasant, and nobody asked me any well-meaning questions that I'd be embarrassed to answer, such as "So Mike, what do you do for work?" "Well, Mr. person I just met, I'm on disability because I had a psychotic breakdown and the doctors tell me I have schizophrenia. Don't worry, I'm heavily medicated and like most people with my condition, completely harmless. Ha ha, what do you do?"

Of course I'd be more discriminating with my reply, but that's how I imagine it to amuse myself. Such simple questions such as these, however, are at the root of some of my reservations with meeting new people. When presenting myself for the first time, I feel like I can't fall back on the typical life that one is expected to have. I'm pretty much OK with the life I do have, but it can make casual conversation rather intimidating.

So, although there were no questions- there was a surfeit of delicious food- resulting in a satisfying afternoon. While I am disappointed that we didn't have the traditional feast with all my relatives at my grandmother's house, I am grateful to be welcomed into someone else's home and made part of their holiday. I remind myself that it is a lot more than many people have, and my thoughts go out to those who are in need or don't have family to share with on days like today.

I hope everyone is finding a way to have their own wonderful day, even if it is just taking a moment to reflect on what there is to be thankful for.

I am thankful for a lot of things, including a clear mind to compose these thoughts and a healthy body to type them with.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

My Secret: A Serious Snacking Problem

2007-11-21T23:35:00.000-05:00

"See you later," I say as my mother closes the door. She's off to run some errands, and I have the house to myself. As soon as her car pulls out of the driveway, I take up my position in front of the food closet, scan the contents, and decide where to start.

I rustle through the various packages and boxes, eating with impetuous desire. I eat and eat and eat, while being sure not to consume too much of any one item, so my habit will go unnoticed by my family.

This has been going on for months. I've gained 40 pounds because of it. I euphemistically call it my "serious snacking problem." If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I have the tendencies of a compulsive overeater.

I do have hope that the problem could spontaneously resolve itself. I developed a similar eating pattern in college, and after some time I was able to leave it behind me, without much conscious effort: senior year I stopped overeating when I had a really busy schedule. Perhaps a major shift in my schedule could have the same effect.

Regardless, I'm rather ashamed of the whole thing. It's something that I want to brush under the carpet and pretend doesn't exist. However, it is a part of my emotional and mental life that I battle with every day. Perhaps writing about it from time to time will help me confront it and get serious about overcoming the habit.

First Snow with Thanksgiving Coming Up

2007-11-20T15:51:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and squinted at the light pouring in the window. I looked out, and saw everything was covered in white- the first snow of the year!

As I smoked my morning cigarette, sitting at the mouth of the garage, I observed the peaceful white world. The snow was clinging to the branches, bushes, cars and houses. This picture shows the view from where I sat.

I noticed the quiet that comes with falling snow. Everything seems silent, except for the muffled whisper of the snow hitting the ground. It is a wonderful silence.

Later in the day my brother David packed up and set out to meet up with his girlfriend to drive down to Pennsylvania where her family lives. He's going to be spending Thanksgiving with her family this year. I'll miss having him around for the holiday.

Usually we go down to my grandmother's house for Thanksgiving, but they aren't going to have a big family gathering this year because some of my aunts and uncles now have grandchildren of their own, and they want to start their own family traditions. So my mother, Roby and I will be going to Roby's daughter's house for the big meal. I'm not too excited about spending Thanksgiving with a bunch of people I don't know, but it will be good to get more acquainted with his relatives.

Well, that's it for tonight.

Stars and Peanut Butter

2007-11-18T01:25:00.000-05:00

As I stood outside in my backyard, all bundled up, smoking my last cigarette for the day, I looked up at the sky and a faint smile came to my lips. Now that most of the leaves have fallen, I am able to see the stars through the bare branches- something to be grateful for.

I thought about how much more I end up talking and laughing when my brother David is home. It is a good workout for my communication skills. For a long time after the episode I was really quiet and reserved, and talking with David helps shake some of the rust out. We discuss a range of topics, including movies, music, politics, and our lives.

During dinner somehow we got talking about peanut butter balls. The name pretty much says it all: balls of peanut butter, flavored with honey, rolled up with rice crispies for crunch. It is a simple, delicious little dessert that my mother would make when we were kids.

David and I decided to make some, so we drove to the supermarket to get the ingredients. Back home, we measured out the portions, threw it all into a bowl, and mixed it up with a spoon. After shaping little balls out of the mixture we put them in the 'fridge and waited for them to chill.

When they were ready we dove in, each bite bringing back memories of childhood.

Before I sign off, here is the recipe (it's a great thing to make with kids):

3/4 cup dried milk
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup peanut butter
rice crispies

Mix all the ingredients in a bowl, sprinkling in enough rice crispies to give it some crunch. Form into balls, then chill. Enjoy!

Laundry and Hugs

2007-11-16T21:33:00.000-05:00

The house if full of the booming sound of my brother David playing piano and singing along to songs he has written. He has thanksgiving week off from college, and he arrived this evening with a basket full of laundry and big hugs for the family. It's always a pleasure to have him around. He livens things up a bit while he's here.

I saw my psychiatrist today. We're going to keep all the medicines the same for now, since they seem to be working well.

I slacked off a bit on my GRE studying tonight, since my brother is home. I've been really consistent with it since I started, though, so I don't feel too bad.

I'm going to wrap this up. I hope everybody is having a good Friday night.

A River of Peace

2007-11-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

"How was the NAMI meeting?" I ask my mother as she takes off her jacket and puts down her purse. She had just returned from a support group for friends and family of people with mental illness.

"Good, I'm glad I went. It was good to see everyone again. Such sad stories though. I think that's why I stopped going after a while- it can get kinda depressing. Most of the people there are having a lot of trouble with their loved one and they need to vent and support each other. It's a really good group for them, I just don't feel like I fit in. You're just so easy to live with."

I smile. I feel fortunate to have such a loving, understanding mother. I know she is glad that I take the medicine that allows me to think clearly. Without the meds, there's no telling what state of mind I would be in.

"You know," I say, "from the schizophrenia recovery stories I've read, many of these people had really tough times, hit rock bottom, and eventually turn things around and end up being OK."

"Do you think it's the meds that does it for them?"

"Well, it's not the only thing, I think it takes more than that... but medicine is often the foundation for everything else. Medicine... and hope."

Having her go out to the NAMI meeting takes me back to when I first was diagnosed. I would lie on the couch in the living room, feeling so sad and depressed and I'd wait anxiously for her to get back from the meeting, hoping she'd bring some good news about my condition, some bit of hope. It makes me emotional to think of that time, wandering through the dark woods of a new, frightening diagnosis, desperately seeking a glint of light.

And I still remember a night later on when I was lying on my bed staring off at the ceiling, and spontaneously I started visualizing myself merging into a flowing body of water- a river of peace, a river that washed away all worry, that gave the strength to deal with anything that could possibly happen, including death.

I thought to myself, "this must be what hope feels like."

And suddenly, by the grace of God, I had something to hang on to.

Rays of Sun and Reality

2007-11-13T22:52:00.000-05:00

I wake up at 9:30, flop over, consider jumping out of bed, but drift back into dream before I can move. I'm back in the arms of a girl with a smile and sweet words that slip in my ear and fill my heart. But she soon floats out of my mind, replaced by rays of sun and reality. I cling to my bed, unwilling to face the day.

Finally I make it downstairs, brew up some coffee and roll a cigarette. Outside, with my cup and smoke, my mind is flighty, jumping from one stressful thought to another- I need to sign up for the GRE- I need to call the library- am I lonely?- then I catch myself- pause- take a long drag, and exhale slowly.

I did sign up for the GRE today- I'll be taking it mid-December. Once I take the test, I'll be able to apply to a graduate school for a Library Science degree, if I so choose.

Unfortunately I did not call the library to inquire about volunteer opportunities today. I could detail my reasons for not calling, but if I'm honest with myself, they are really only excuses, and not very compelling ones at that. I still feel positive about it though- it's as if I peered over the edge today, and although I backed off, I'm that much closer to making the jump.

It seems pretty lame that I'm making such a big deal about something as simple as going to volunteer at the public library, but what can I do? In some ways it is a significant step for me, and I've always been one to look before I leap... oh well.

You'll Find Me in the Stacks

2007-11-12T18:52:00.000-05:00

Well, it turns out the library is closed today for the holiday, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to inquire about volunteer opportunities.

I've always loved books and learning and wandering aimlessly among the stacks of library books to see what I may find. Considering my predilection for libraries, I knew that when I started volunteering it would be at the public library. It struck me a couple months ago that perhaps I would be happy not only volunteering, but making a career as a librarian. I think I would find it satisfying working with people and being surrounded by books and research. Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself, considering I haven't even volunteered yet, but it can't hurt to dream of the possibilities. Getting exposure to actual librarians and the work environment will be valuable in deciding whether it is truly an avenue I want to pursue.

I walked on the treadmill for 24 minutes today, up from my usual 20. I'm trying to work up to a half hour. It's not that I can't do it physically, I just find it boring. I've started listening to music while I walk, which has relieved some of my exercise ennui.

Well, I better get to work on my GRE studying.

Smokin' in My Little Room

2007-11-11T19:45:00.000-05:00

I fired up the heater in the little room my father built in the garage for smoking cigars in the last few years before he died. I now use it in the winter for smoking cigarettes- as I live at home with my mother and soon-to-be step-father, I cannot smoke inside, and my little smoke room is the next best thing. It reminds me of where I was at mentally when I last smoked in there, at the end of last winter.

I was just starting to come out of my idle days of laying on the couch and staring off at the ceiling or at the pictures on the wall. I had been sleeping at least 12 hours a day, had completely lost my sex drive, and had no energy, stamina, or motivation, and generally just didn't feel like "myself." I was experiencing what is considered to be the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, such as lethargy, apathy, lack of motivation, and lack of emotion, causing me to become much more withdrawn and reticent.

When I was in the hospital in California, they started me on a medication called Risperdal. Fortunately this drug quickly eliminated the positive symptoms I was having (the paranoia, delusions and hearing voices), enabling me to be discharged and taken back to New Hampshire to live with my mother. However, I suffered from the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, in addition to dealing with the side effects of the medication- which are actually hard to distinguish from the illness.

Finally, near the end of last winter my new psychiatrist (who I am very grateful to have in my life) weaned me off of the Risperdal and started me on a medication called Abilify. After some time the new drug started to assuage the negative symptoms and I started having more energy, my sex drive came back (although still being without a sex life) and I started reading and reading and reading. I would read for eight hours a day, punctuated by trips out to my smoke room. Sure, I was still sitting around the house all day, but my mind was starting to become more active, I grew more talkative, and laughter and smiles came back into my life.

Thoughts of all this came back to me as I sat smoking a cig in the little room.

Tomorrow I Step Up

2007-11-11T15:04:00.000-05:00

I slept in this morning- I’m trying to have a nice relaxing Sunday, as it is my day off from GRE (the test they make you take to get into graduate school) studying. I’ve been studying consistently 6 days a week in order to prepare for the test. If for no other reason, the responsibility of studying has forced me into a routine that gives some structure to my days, which I think is healthy for me, seeing as how I’m on disability and don’t work.

Tomorrow I’m hoping to take a step in the direction of getting back to work by calling the library and seeing if I can start volunteering for them. It’s something that I’ve thought about doing for a couple months but I just haven’t worked up the courage to call. It’s a bit intimidating for me to think of getting back out there in the world doing work amongst strangers that I don’t know, in a public place where I may run into old acquaintances from my high school days. I really haven’t been that active since my episode in the spring of last year.

But as I work towards recovery from my mental illness, I believe this is an important step to take. As my councilor/ social worker Janeanne pointed out, one can’t always wait to be full of confidence before starting a new activity- sometimes you need to take the plunge, take what comes, and build the confidence as you go. Tomorrow I hope to step up, get my feet wet by making the phone call to the library, and get ready for the dive.