Is It Spring Yet?

I took this picture yesterday during our Spring snowstorm.

Walk Towards Recovery

I took a walk yesterday on a trail that goes around a nearby pond. It was still mostly frozen over, with snow covering the ice. The wide open areas of snow in these photos are where the frozen pond is.




It felt good to get out and take a walk. The temperature was up into the mid-fifties, making it feel a little like spring, even if it still doesn't look like it.

Taking walks is part of my plan to get out of the house and do more. I met with my councilor, Jeannine, last week, and she encouraged me to exercise at least twice a week to start.

She also suggested that I keep track of my food intake throughout the day, so I started writing in my journal exactly what I'm eating, and what I'm thinking and doing right before I eat. Hopefully some patterns will show up.

Jeannine also discussed with me the importance of getting out and meeting like-minded people, perhaps by attending some spiritual or meditation groups. I read a lot of spiritual writing, but it isn't quite the same as being part of a spiritual community. So I think I may check out a group that meets once a month and discusses spiritual topics, not too far from where I live. It is open to anyone, and from what I can tell from their website, I would find the discussions interesting and insightful.

I also met with my psychiatrist, Dr. L, last week. We decided to raise my Abilify medication to 15mg, up from 10. We're doing this to see if it helps with my motivation difficulties and ability to get out and do more. I'm glad that we are making the adjustment. Dr. L. is always willing to reevaluate the meds and change things until she feels it is the best dose and drug for my current situation. It could take a while before I notice much difference.... until then, I'll keep walking, and do the best that I can.

Baking Brothers

David was home last weekend for the beginning of spring break. After staying through the weekend, he left on Tuesday to go down to Florida with his girlfriend, where her family is renting a house for a couple weeks. He wanted to bring a small token of his appreciation for having him, so he decided to make cookies, which I helped him make.

First we made orange zest snowball cookies with grated coconut topping. We quickly learned that making cookies takes more time than we assumed! But when you pop them in your mouth, it is all worth it.

The next cookies we made (one of my personal favorites) were peanut butter cookies with a chocolate kiss pressed in the top of each one. I took the above photo while the cookies were cooling. One of the benefits of making cookies yourself is that you get to eat them while the chocolate is still soft. They were delicious!

I was busy with an appointment the next day when David made the final batch: chocolate chip walnut cookies.

I rarely bake, but it was a good experience, and especially enjoyable doing it with my brother.

Thoughts on Spirituality

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. It was encouraging and reinforced my belief in the importance of a spiritual path. I appreciate each of you sharing your own personal experiences with spirituality, and I found myself relating to what each of you said.

It made it more obvious to me how many different ways of walking the divine path there are, and how each of us needs to find our own way.

I started to respond to the comments, discussing my spirituality, and soon I had written so much that I decided to turn it into a full entry.

I have read about many different belief systems, and I find all of them to have valuable insights and methods. And so I try to take what I can from each one.

I believe that there is power in asking for help with difficulties through prayer. This is why I pray. I’m not sure who intercepts and responds to my prayers and intentions, be it my angels, spirit guides, Jesus, God Himself, or the Universe.... but I believe some entity or energy out there has power to affect our life for the positive.

I also believe in a spirit world (heaven?) that is inhabited by angels, spirit guides, ascended masters, and souls that have completed their latest life on earth. It seems that certain people, such as shamans and psychic mediums can have direct contact with this world. Since I feel that I’ve been having spiritual difficulties, I thought I would first go to a spiritual healer, and that is why I chose to see a shaman.

While going to outside sources may be effective, I know that any true healing is going to happen from within. Since most shamans do see themselves as only facilitators for a natural healing process, I thought it would be a good place to start, to see if I needed to heal in certain ways that would help me progress further in my spiritual path.

I believe to find inner peace and joy, one must look within and find one's true self, which will be realized as one with the universe. Duality and the ego subside, and non-dual truth, peace, joy and love remain as one dwells in the true, original state. In addition to believing in the human potential to experience the divine, I believe that we have the capability to incorporate this experience into our lives, and live in harmony with the world.

This is one of the reasons I meditate: to look within, and attempt to know myself. I also do it to feel more centered, calm, and connected.

While I feel that my highest goal spiritually is to know my true self, beyond ego, beyond conditioning, beyond false concepts of self, I think that I can take steps along the way, becoming more loving and compassionate.

I guess this is where appreciating the journey comes in. I have to find contentment in the place that I’m at. I have to do my best to find love and express it through my life. Step by step, I must continue to search, with faith that I will find a path that will take me closer to the truth, to God. And in the meantime, learn to focus on the moment, and absorb the beauty of the present.

Reaching out for Healing

I was thinking of taking a break from blogging, and looking back on February, I guess that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I should have stated that I was taking a break, out of respect for those of you who read my blog, and I am sorry for not doing so.

I've been plodding along without much changing in my life. I'm still dealing with a lack of motivation, and for the time being I have shelved any plans for school, volunteering, or work. Maybe I'm just not ready yet.

I still can't stop overeating, and I'm gaining more and more weight. I need to get back to my self-hypnosis and see if that will have an effect on it. My problem with this approach is that I sense that the compulsion to overeat is just a symptom of deeper issues, beyond my conscious mind, perhaps beyond my subconscious mind, reaching into the spiritual health at the core of my being.

Sometimes I feel like I need healing on that spiritual level. If I were able to heal on this level, I feel that my psychological difficulties would be resolved.

So who does one go to for spiritual healing? Seeing the psychic helped me realize I may need this, but it is not really their specialty. Psychologists are good..... but it's not quite the system that could heal me on the level that I feel I need. Maybe a priest, but I left behind my Catholic upbringing during my teen years. So where does this leave me?

Well, about the same time that I started having a sense that I may need to heal my spirit, I started reading about shamanism. And it turns out, that's what they do: heal people spiritually. Here is a good site that describes shamanism.

And I happened to find a shaman who has a blog that describes his work, and who happens to live in New Hampshire. From reading his writing, he appeared to have very noble, compassionate intentions, genuinely wanting to help people.

I felt slightly indecisive about it, and put it out there for the universe to give me a sign. And that night I had vivid dreams that strongly pointed towards contacting him.

So I did.

I sent him an email, and without being too specific, told him that I felt I was suffering from some sort of spiritual sickness.

He wrote me back, and said that he would take a shamanic journey for me, then write back with the details. A journey is the method shamans use to contact the spirit world to help bring about positive effects in the life of those affected. To journey, he lays down with a drum track playing that takes him into a sort of trance, and from there interacts with the spirit world.

He wrote me back within a few days, and said that indeed, I did need spiritual healing. He described the whole journey, which is full of symbolism intended for me to interpret (similar to dream interpretation). He then described a ritual for me to perform to aid in my spiritual healing.

I performed the ritual, and felt calm and peaceful while doing it.

However, I don't think I've experienced much change in the way I feel since performing it.

I'm going to write him back soon, and give him my interpretation of the journey, and tell him how I feel.

I'm going to attempt to blog more regularly. I sometimes find it difficult to blog when I'm feeling this way, because I feel less motivated, and I also don't want my blog to become overly negative. But I am going to try to get back to posting more often. I thank all of you who continue to stop by, and I apologize for the neglect on my part.