The Mind Wraps Itself Up...

The foliage has been beautiful this autumn. Oranges, yellows, and reds that clung to the trees for weeks, and are finally falling to the ground. Today the sun is shining, and the temperature is hovering around 50 degrees. I am remembering what I love about fall... the New Hampshire beauty, of course, but also, as the mercury drops, the bundling up with warm clothes, and curling up inside with a warm cup of tea. It is part of the cocooning process, getting ready for winter, and starting to shift inward as the boisterous summer heat recedes in memory. The mind wraps itself up in protective layers, readying itself for the long winter ahead.

And yet, as I become more comfortable socially (thanks in part to some med changes), I become more outgoing, start to shine a little brighter, as the sun follows a shallow path over the horizon, casting long shadows over the cool ground. Perhaps this winter the spark inside me will be bright enough to sustain me through the long, cold winter nights. I feel optimistic... maybe even resilient.

My spiritual search has waxed and waned over the past few months... right now I am in an upswing where I find myself reading spiritual literature, and contemplating the concepts I come across. I am considering how I can apply these spiritual tools to my life. Can I get in a meditation routine that will make me feel more connected and help with my anxiety? Will mindfulness of my feelings and thoughts allow me to overcome my negative eating habits? Can I change the way I relate to the world to give me more inner peace and calm?

One of the paradoxes of spiritual practice is that it can lead to greater self-acceptance, but also to inner transformation. There is a part of me that resists this truth. It seems to think that if I were to love myself fully for who I am right now, there would be no incentive to change negative habits and thought patterns. Yet if my inner critic were capable of changing the things it doesn't like by belittling me, these things would have changed long ago.

So is this a paradox, or are the two actually intertwined? I find I have trouble with both; perhaps greater self-acceptance would actually enable easier inner transformation. I've heard it said that to move forward, one must first accept where they stand. For some reason this rings true to me. Criticism directed toward myself is based in anger and frustration, and results in pain. How could this be effective or healthy?

Maybe it's time I give Mr. Critic a vacation and see what Love can do in his place.

How I Stay Motivated to Exercise

I've exercised each day for a week straight, and I feel motivated to continue. Doesn't sound like much, but this is a significant achievement for me. I've tried many times to start exercising, and each time I get derailed. What's different this time? A couple things.

First, I'm starting out slow. The first day I only exercised for 10 minutes. That's it. I went on the treadmill, and walked at a very comfortable speed, and when 10 minutes were up, I stopped. By the end of the week I was up to 18 minutes per day, still walking at a slow pace. I'm starting out this way because I intend to avoid getting sick. It has happened to me repeatedly -- I start an exercise program with vigorous enthusiasm, and within a couple days I'm run down and physically ill. Then I'm too sick to exercise, and the whole routine falls apart. I figure I can avoid this scenario by taking it easy and gradually increasing the time and difficulty of the workout. This strategy is also helping me develop positive associations with exercise: "Oh, I can do this. Just walk for a few minutes? No problem!"

Another important reason why I've been able to stick to exercising is because I've started listening to personal development podcasts and audio programs on my mp3 player as I exercise. The time goes by faster, and I'm exercising my mind along with my body. It also gives me inspiration, ideas, and new perspectives to help accomplish my health goals. I look forward to exercising because I know I'll have the opportunity to listen to interesting material. I do have to give Steve Pavlina (personal development blogger) some credit for this method, because I didn't consider listening to podcasts while I exercise until I read a post about his daily habits. Sure, it's a simple, rather obvious idea, but he spurred me to actually try it, and it has worked.

So it's simple, but this has worked for me for one week. And although that is a relatively short amount of time, I am one week closer to forming a habit that will serve me throughout my entire life.

A Serving of Healthy Habits, Please

Do you hear me universe? I said please!

Here's the deal. I'm 220 pounds. That's about 60 pounds more than my ideal weight. Over the past year, hell, over the past ten years, I've exercised sporadically, at best. For more than a year, I've been eating too much almost every day. My blood pressure is creeping up, probably because of the weight I've put on, my triglycerides are high, and my good cholesterol is too low. Did I mention I smoke cigarettes? So that's the reality check.

And why am I in this situation? Simplest answer: bad habits. Sure, there are reasons, some subconscious, behind these habits. But the fact is, these habits have to be replaced with healthy ones, pronto. Because the longer this continues, the worse things will get.

I think of habits in terms of a compass analogy. If you take a compass reading and are a couple degrees off, it doesn't seem like much. But walk a mile in that direction, and you will find yourself far from where you want to be.

So I've resolved to change course. To develop good habits. I've been exercising every day since Monday. I've been trying to eat right. It's been frustrating at times, but I feel OK about where I'm at. Spring is officially here today. Where I live, it will be a couple more weeks before we start getting actual Spring weather, but it is something I'm looking forward to. The more positive I stay, the greater chance I have of achieving my goals.

The ground is starting to show in the back yard, where the snow has melted. I can see the labyrinth again, and it looks solid and intact. I was a little worried about how it would fare throughout the winter, but it seems like the snow kept everything in place.

I think Spring is the perfect time to ditch old habits and form new ones. It is a time of rebirth and growth. So why not grow internally while the world outside does the same?

Let It Snow....

We had the first dusting of snow last week, and I shot a few photos. I thought I'd share some with you.

Here are the steps leading to the backyard.


Labyrinth with snow:


This is a Buddha statue that my mother bought this year for her garden.



And here are a few shots with the macro of snow on a plant that was still green.




We're actually having a big snow storm as I type. Inches and inches of snow. It's nice being inside with no place to go on a snowy night.

I'll take this chance to wish everyone a Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

The Labyrinth, Complete

Well...........it's done! Welcome to the labyrinth!

Getting Closer.....

I wanted to post an update on the labyrinth.

I've completed the work on all the circles. Now I just need to make the lines that cut through the circles to create the actual path that winds through to the center. The end is in sight!

My Blog's Namesake

While responding to forsythia's comment on the last post, I got to thinking about Kabir, the 15th century mystic poet from India. It amazes me that his verses have traveled through centuries, and over oceans to reach my eyes and tickle my spirit. I found the name for my blog in one of his poems. I'm going to reproduce the full poem here, for anyone who may want to read it:

Are you looking for me? I am in the next seat.
My shoulder is against yours.
you will not find me in the stupas, not in Indian shrine
rooms, nor in synagogues, nor in cathedrals:
not in masses, nor kirtans, not in legs winding
around your own neck, nor in eating nothing but vegetables.
When you really look for me, you will see me instantly —
you will find me in the tiniest house of time.
Kabir says: Student, tell me, what is God?
He is the breath inside the breath.

From: The Kabir Book: Forty-Four of the Ecstatic Poems of Kabir
by Robert W. Bly (Translator)

Hello!

Hello! I'm still alive! :)

I guess I've almost starved my blog to death. For some reason I just refuse to pull the plug completely, though. I want to at least post updates on the labyrinth through its completion.

And I'd like let people know how I've been doing! Things are starting to pick up a bit. I've made a new friend who also happens to have schizophrenia. It's nice having someone who can relate to the whole mental illness piece, but just as importantly I appreciate having someone to hang out with and go out to Indian and Thai restaurants with.

I also FINALLY got out and put in a volunteer application. Since the library never really panned out, I decided to volunteer at the local Audubon Society. It is an environmental organization that organizes nature programs for children, plans outings for adults, maintains walking trails, puts on seasonal events, and so on.

I talked to the volunteer coordinator, and she sounded excited to have a new volunteer. I'm going to be working in the visitor center, greeting guests and taking phone calls. I may even help write some press releases.

I'm pretty excited about it, and am relieved that I finally got out and took a step forward.

Anyway, so here are a few photos of the labyrinth, in progress:

This first one shows the perimeter of bricks that I dug into the ground.


This picture shows the brick circle filled with pebbles that form the base to walk on.

Now that the pebbles are down, I've been placing bigger rocks in the circle to create the paths of the labyrinth. I have a lot of it done, but I think I'll wait to post a photo.

I want to thank all of you for still stopping by from time to time. Maybe I should have just closed my blog when I stopped doing it daily, but personally, whenever a blog I read decides to call it quits, I always long for that occasional post to just know how that person is doing. So I guess that's what this blog has become for now.

Take care, everyone!

Building a Path to Walk On

Here is a picture of a large bare spot in our backyard, with a big pine tree in the middle.


We have been trying to figure out what to do with this area, as grass does not seem to be able to grow here.

After working through a few different ideas, I stumbled upon labyrinth designs. A labyrinth is a path that you walk on, eventually taking you to the center, then back out again. It is different from a maze, in that there are no wrong paths--just the one. They are often used for meditative and spiritual purposes.

One of the most famous labyrinths is the one at Chartres Cathedral in France, built around 1200:

So I decided to create a labyrinth, with the pine tree in the center. Obviously, because I have much less room to work with, the one in the backyard will be much smaller. I found a design, based on the one at Chartres, that will fit in the space I have to work with:

I'm going to cover the inside area with pebbles, then use bigger rocks to create the lines of the labyrinth. We found pebbles and rocks that would be appropriate at a local mulch/stone retailer. Also, I'm burying red bricks into the ground around the outside circle, leaving a little over an inch sticking up to hold the pebbles in place. So far I have almost one half of the circle of bricks done. After I finish with the bricks, we'll get the pebbles and distribute them around the circle.

I'm excited about this project. It will keep me busy and hopefully get me in better shape. And in the end, we'll be able to walk our very own backyard labyrinth.

Furled Ferns

I've been trying to get out and enjoy the beautiful weather we've been having lately--sunny, with temperatures in the mid-seventies. It reminds me of San Diego, where the weather stays like this all year long.

I took a walk around the pond that is a short drive from my house, and found some young ferns pushing up through the soil. These ferns fascinate me--the way they start as a white clump, and slowly unfurl their green leaves. If you look closely at the first photo, you can see the green hiding underneath the white knob at the top of the stem.




I hope everyone else is enjoying some nice spring weather.

The Hand That Feeds...

We have a small statue in our backyard that we put sunflower seeds in for the birds and squirrels. This morning as I sat outside I saw a chipmunk stuffing its cheeks full of seed:



In past years my mother has actually trained some of the chipmunks to eat out of her hand. She patiently waits with a peanut in the palm of her hand, and these cute little creatures will run up to her and grab the nut, stuff it in their cheeks, and scurry away.

Farewell Winter... Hello Spring

Finally, all the snow has melted in the backyard, except for this little patch that is still hanging in there. It will soon be reduced to a moist spot on the ground.

These are the first sprouts of green that are coming up in the garden. What a relief to see some fresh life poking through, and to have the temperatures consistently into the 60s this week.

Greener Pastures Lure Away Another Good Therapist

I saw Jeannine, my case manager/therapist yesterday. She informed me that she is leaving the Mental Health Center where I see her.

I'm disappointed to lose Jeannine. I think we were just getting to the point where she knew how to productively encourage me to branch out and grow more. It's always a little hard switching therapists, because you're not sure how well you will click with the new one, and of course you have to start from scratch, telling your life story and trying to get him or her up to speed. Jeannine was apologetic, and said that she knows that it is not good therapeutically for one patient to be bounced around from therapist to therapist.

I've been lucky to have two good therapists since I've been going to the Mental Health Center, but unfortunately they both ended up leaving about a year after I started seeing them. A year may seem like a long time, but in my experience in therapy, it really isn't.

I'm hopeful that my new one will be just as good--who knows, she or he may be even better for me, once we get settled in together.

A Quiet Weekend

I had a pretty quiet weekend. Mom and Roby went up to Maine for a few days, so I had plenty of time to myself.

I did go out Saturday night to play poker with some of my relatives at my cousin's house. I always enjoy playing poker. I ended up losing twelve dollars, but that still adds up to a pretty cheap night out.

I find that I'm still struggling with my eating habits. It is hard to sustain the amount of vigilance necessary to avoid overeating. If I eat something without being sufficiently hungry, my mind takes it as a cue for my psychological cravings to kick in. So when it comes to eating, I'm still having good days and bad days.

A Shift in Thinking

Yesterday I took a walk around the pond again. This time I went with my Mom. We saw the Blue Heron, which had been gone all winter. It was a nice day for a walk--temperatures in the 50's with the sun shining.

Thankfully, somehow my attitude seems to have shifted regarding my eating habits. On Monday and Tuesday, I did not overeat at all. This is the first time in months that I've refrained from eating too much for a full day. Wednesday, I ended up overeating, but Thursday I was back on track.

What caused this shift that had eluded me for a long time? Not sure, but it seemed to have started Monday morning, while I was smoking a cigarette. It occurred to me, "If I want to be healthy, be thin, I need to think like a thin person would. It is all in the mind. That is the only difference--the way we think, our attitude."

To be able to avoid overeating, and to be able to lose weight, I feel I need to accept my hunger as a natural sensation that I can be on friendly terms with. Otherwise, every time I feel the slightest hunger, I start eating. And once I start, it is hard to stop. I read on an overeater's website about the dilemma that overeaters find themselves in. Not to say that food addiction is any harder to stop than drugs or alcohol, but it is a unique situation, in that when one is addicted to drugs or alcohol, one can lock up the tiger (avoid drugs altogether), but "you can't stop eating food. So instead of caging up the tiger forever, it's a little like taking the tiger for a walk three times a day."

So later that day, somehow I found myself feeling differently towards my hunger. I made peace with it. I would rather be hungry than full of unnecessary food and dealing with the psychological burden that comes with it. I didn't allow myself to eat anything when I became hungry (except for the three meals, of course), because I knew it would lead me to eating too much.

But the next day, I found I was able to eat a small amount of food when hungry, without eating too much. It helps if I have a healthy snack, like fruit or yogurt. If I start in on the pretzels (carbs), it's all over.

So by some grace, I have started winning some battles against food. The war is not over yet--I still have psychological cravings--but I've begun to overcome. And I feel good about it. Somehow, the hunger in the pit of my stomach makes me feel a little more alive. Weird, huh?

Is It Spring Yet?

I took this picture yesterday during our Spring snowstorm.

Walk Towards Recovery

I took a walk yesterday on a trail that goes around a nearby pond. It was still mostly frozen over, with snow covering the ice. The wide open areas of snow in these photos are where the frozen pond is.




It felt good to get out and take a walk. The temperature was up into the mid-fifties, making it feel a little like spring, even if it still doesn't look like it.

Taking walks is part of my plan to get out of the house and do more. I met with my councilor, Jeannine, last week, and she encouraged me to exercise at least twice a week to start.

She also suggested that I keep track of my food intake throughout the day, so I started writing in my journal exactly what I'm eating, and what I'm thinking and doing right before I eat. Hopefully some patterns will show up.

Jeannine also discussed with me the importance of getting out and meeting like-minded people, perhaps by attending some spiritual or meditation groups. I read a lot of spiritual writing, but it isn't quite the same as being part of a spiritual community. So I think I may check out a group that meets once a month and discusses spiritual topics, not too far from where I live. It is open to anyone, and from what I can tell from their website, I would find the discussions interesting and insightful.

I also met with my psychiatrist, Dr. L, last week. We decided to raise my Abilify medication to 15mg, up from 10. We're doing this to see if it helps with my motivation difficulties and ability to get out and do more. I'm glad that we are making the adjustment. Dr. L. is always willing to reevaluate the meds and change things until she feels it is the best dose and drug for my current situation. It could take a while before I notice much difference.... until then, I'll keep walking, and do the best that I can.

Baking Brothers

David was home last weekend for the beginning of spring break. After staying through the weekend, he left on Tuesday to go down to Florida with his girlfriend, where her family is renting a house for a couple weeks. He wanted to bring a small token of his appreciation for having him, so he decided to make cookies, which I helped him make.

First we made orange zest snowball cookies with grated coconut topping. We quickly learned that making cookies takes more time than we assumed! But when you pop them in your mouth, it is all worth it.

The next cookies we made (one of my personal favorites) were peanut butter cookies with a chocolate kiss pressed in the top of each one. I took the above photo while the cookies were cooling. One of the benefits of making cookies yourself is that you get to eat them while the chocolate is still soft. They were delicious!

I was busy with an appointment the next day when David made the final batch: chocolate chip walnut cookies.

I rarely bake, but it was a good experience, and especially enjoyable doing it with my brother.

Thoughts on Spirituality

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. It was encouraging and reinforced my belief in the importance of a spiritual path. I appreciate each of you sharing your own personal experiences with spirituality, and I found myself relating to what each of you said.

It made it more obvious to me how many different ways of walking the divine path there are, and how each of us needs to find our own way.

I started to respond to the comments, discussing my spirituality, and soon I had written so much that I decided to turn it into a full entry.

I have read about many different belief systems, and I find all of them to have valuable insights and methods. And so I try to take what I can from each one.

I believe that there is power in asking for help with difficulties through prayer. This is why I pray. I’m not sure who intercepts and responds to my prayers and intentions, be it my angels, spirit guides, Jesus, God Himself, or the Universe.... but I believe some entity or energy out there has power to affect our life for the positive.

I also believe in a spirit world (heaven?) that is inhabited by angels, spirit guides, ascended masters, and souls that have completed their latest life on earth. It seems that certain people, such as shamans and psychic mediums can have direct contact with this world. Since I feel that I’ve been having spiritual difficulties, I thought I would first go to a spiritual healer, and that is why I chose to see a shaman.

While going to outside sources may be effective, I know that any true healing is going to happen from within. Since most shamans do see themselves as only facilitators for a natural healing process, I thought it would be a good place to start, to see if I needed to heal in certain ways that would help me progress further in my spiritual path.

I believe to find inner peace and joy, one must look within and find one's true self, which will be realized as one with the universe. Duality and the ego subside, and non-dual truth, peace, joy and love remain as one dwells in the true, original state. In addition to believing in the human potential to experience the divine, I believe that we have the capability to incorporate this experience into our lives, and live in harmony with the world.

This is one of the reasons I meditate: to look within, and attempt to know myself. I also do it to feel more centered, calm, and connected.

While I feel that my highest goal spiritually is to know my true self, beyond ego, beyond conditioning, beyond false concepts of self, I think that I can take steps along the way, becoming more loving and compassionate.

I guess this is where appreciating the journey comes in. I have to find contentment in the place that I’m at. I have to do my best to find love and express it through my life. Step by step, I must continue to search, with faith that I will find a path that will take me closer to the truth, to God. And in the meantime, learn to focus on the moment, and absorb the beauty of the present.

Reaching out for Healing

I was thinking of taking a break from blogging, and looking back on February, I guess that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I should have stated that I was taking a break, out of respect for those of you who read my blog, and I am sorry for not doing so.

I've been plodding along without much changing in my life. I'm still dealing with a lack of motivation, and for the time being I have shelved any plans for school, volunteering, or work. Maybe I'm just not ready yet.

I still can't stop overeating, and I'm gaining more and more weight. I need to get back to my self-hypnosis and see if that will have an effect on it. My problem with this approach is that I sense that the compulsion to overeat is just a symptom of deeper issues, beyond my conscious mind, perhaps beyond my subconscious mind, reaching into the spiritual health at the core of my being.

Sometimes I feel like I need healing on that spiritual level. If I were able to heal on this level, I feel that my psychological difficulties would be resolved.

So who does one go to for spiritual healing? Seeing the psychic helped me realize I may need this, but it is not really their specialty. Psychologists are good..... but it's not quite the system that could heal me on the level that I feel I need. Maybe a priest, but I left behind my Catholic upbringing during my teen years. So where does this leave me?

Well, about the same time that I started having a sense that I may need to heal my spirit, I started reading about shamanism. And it turns out, that's what they do: heal people spiritually. Here is a good site that describes shamanism.

And I happened to find a shaman who has a blog that describes his work, and who happens to live in New Hampshire. From reading his writing, he appeared to have very noble, compassionate intentions, genuinely wanting to help people.

I felt slightly indecisive about it, and put it out there for the universe to give me a sign. And that night I had vivid dreams that strongly pointed towards contacting him.

So I did.

I sent him an email, and without being too specific, told him that I felt I was suffering from some sort of spiritual sickness.

He wrote me back, and said that he would take a shamanic journey for me, then write back with the details. A journey is the method shamans use to contact the spirit world to help bring about positive effects in the life of those affected. To journey, he lays down with a drum track playing that takes him into a sort of trance, and from there interacts with the spirit world.

He wrote me back within a few days, and said that indeed, I did need spiritual healing. He described the whole journey, which is full of symbolism intended for me to interpret (similar to dream interpretation). He then described a ritual for me to perform to aid in my spiritual healing.

I performed the ritual, and felt calm and peaceful while doing it.

However, I don't think I've experienced much change in the way I feel since performing it.

I'm going to write him back soon, and give him my interpretation of the journey, and tell him how I feel.

I'm going to attempt to blog more regularly. I sometimes find it difficult to blog when I'm feeling this way, because I feel less motivated, and I also don't want my blog to become overly negative. But I am going to try to get back to posting more often. I thank all of you who continue to stop by, and I apologize for the neglect on my part.