An Idealist Healer...

So for quite some time I've been contemplating what kind of career would be a good match for me. I thought about becoming a librarian, but realized that I did not really desire it strongly enough (especially to go through two to three years of schooling). So I put that thought on the back burner, and gradually it faded away.

I didn't have many ideas, so one day I found myself taking a personality test online. It told me I am an "Idealist Healer" (INFP) and many of the qualities it attributed to INFPs seemed right on. But what I was most interested in were the career recommendations for my personality type.

I browsed through them... sociology professor, psychologist, composer... and then I came to one that struck me: grant writer. Hmm. Worth looking into.

So I did. Turns out, grant writing (that is what it is called, but in actuality, it is grant proposal writing) requires creativity, organizational abilities and writing skills (check, check and check). So far so good. Also, grant writers usually work to secure grants for non-profit organizations, most of which support good causes. Because of this, many grant writers find the work very rewarding, as they help bring financial resources into the local community.

So I tucked the idea away, and continued to consider it from time to time.

Eventually, I found myself considering it more and more. I began looking up classes for grant writing in my area. Turns out, there is one offered next spring at a nearby college. Sign up is in December, and I hope to go through with it.

Then came a meeting at the Audubon Center where I volunteer. The organization (which is separate from the National Audubon) has come to a critical point financially. And guess what? They need people to help write grant proposals.

I offered to help out, and within a few days I was working on my first grant proposal! It seems like as soon as I was ready to further explore grant writing, the opportunity fell into my lap. I'm enjoying the process so far, and I've been very busy, between working on that and doing my normal volunteer work at the front desk for the Audubon Center.

I feel like I have a greater life purpose to work toward, and this is definitely helping me in my recovery from mental illness. I'm doing things that would have been out of reach a mere month or two ago. I can't help but see this as an instance when the Universe gave me exactly what I needed, at the moment I was ready for it. I feel grateful.



Happy Thanksgiving, all!

The Mind Wraps Itself Up...

The foliage has been beautiful this autumn. Oranges, yellows, and reds that clung to the trees for weeks, and are finally falling to the ground. Today the sun is shining, and the temperature is hovering around 50 degrees. I am remembering what I love about fall... the New Hampshire beauty, of course, but also, as the mercury drops, the bundling up with warm clothes, and curling up inside with a warm cup of tea. It is part of the cocooning process, getting ready for winter, and starting to shift inward as the boisterous summer heat recedes in memory. The mind wraps itself up in protective layers, readying itself for the long winter ahead.

And yet, as I become more comfortable socially (thanks in part to some med changes), I become more outgoing, start to shine a little brighter, as the sun follows a shallow path over the horizon, casting long shadows over the cool ground. Perhaps this winter the spark inside me will be bright enough to sustain me through the long, cold winter nights. I feel optimistic... maybe even resilient.

My spiritual search has waxed and waned over the past few months... right now I am in an upswing where I find myself reading spiritual literature, and contemplating the concepts I come across. I am considering how I can apply these spiritual tools to my life. Can I get in a meditation routine that will make me feel more connected and help with my anxiety? Will mindfulness of my feelings and thoughts allow me to overcome my negative eating habits? Can I change the way I relate to the world to give me more inner peace and calm?

One of the paradoxes of spiritual practice is that it can lead to greater self-acceptance, but also to inner transformation. There is a part of me that resists this truth. It seems to think that if I were to love myself fully for who I am right now, there would be no incentive to change negative habits and thought patterns. Yet if my inner critic were capable of changing the things it doesn't like by belittling me, these things would have changed long ago.

So is this a paradox, or are the two actually intertwined? I find I have trouble with both; perhaps greater self-acceptance would actually enable easier inner transformation. I've heard it said that to move forward, one must first accept where they stand. For some reason this rings true to me. Criticism directed toward myself is based in anger and frustration, and results in pain. How could this be effective or healthy?

Maybe it's time I give Mr. Critic a vacation and see what Love can do in his place.

How I Stay Motivated to Exercise

I've exercised each day for a week straight, and I feel motivated to continue. Doesn't sound like much, but this is a significant achievement for me. I've tried many times to start exercising, and each time I get derailed. What's different this time? A couple things.

First, I'm starting out slow. The first day I only exercised for 10 minutes. That's it. I went on the treadmill, and walked at a very comfortable speed, and when 10 minutes were up, I stopped. By the end of the week I was up to 18 minutes per day, still walking at a slow pace. I'm starting out this way because I intend to avoid getting sick. It has happened to me repeatedly -- I start an exercise program with vigorous enthusiasm, and within a couple days I'm run down and physically ill. Then I'm too sick to exercise, and the whole routine falls apart. I figure I can avoid this scenario by taking it easy and gradually increasing the time and difficulty of the workout. This strategy is also helping me develop positive associations with exercise: "Oh, I can do this. Just walk for a few minutes? No problem!"

Another important reason why I've been able to stick to exercising is because I've started listening to personal development podcasts and audio programs on my mp3 player as I exercise. The time goes by faster, and I'm exercising my mind along with my body. It also gives me inspiration, ideas, and new perspectives to help accomplish my health goals. I look forward to exercising because I know I'll have the opportunity to listen to interesting material. I do have to give Steve Pavlina (personal development blogger) some credit for this method, because I didn't consider listening to podcasts while I exercise until I read a post about his daily habits. Sure, it's a simple, rather obvious idea, but he spurred me to actually try it, and it has worked.

So it's simple, but this has worked for me for one week. And although that is a relatively short amount of time, I am one week closer to forming a habit that will serve me throughout my entire life.

A Serving of Healthy Habits, Please

Do you hear me universe? I said please!

Here's the deal. I'm 220 pounds. That's about 60 pounds more than my ideal weight. Over the past year, hell, over the past ten years, I've exercised sporadically, at best. For more than a year, I've been eating too much almost every day. My blood pressure is creeping up, probably because of the weight I've put on, my triglycerides are high, and my good cholesterol is too low. Did I mention I smoke cigarettes? So that's the reality check.

And why am I in this situation? Simplest answer: bad habits. Sure, there are reasons, some subconscious, behind these habits. But the fact is, these habits have to be replaced with healthy ones, pronto. Because the longer this continues, the worse things will get.

I think of habits in terms of a compass analogy. If you take a compass reading and are a couple degrees off, it doesn't seem like much. But walk a mile in that direction, and you will find yourself far from where you want to be.

So I've resolved to change course. To develop good habits. I've been exercising every day since Monday. I've been trying to eat right. It's been frustrating at times, but I feel OK about where I'm at. Spring is officially here today. Where I live, it will be a couple more weeks before we start getting actual Spring weather, but it is something I'm looking forward to. The more positive I stay, the greater chance I have of achieving my goals.

The ground is starting to show in the back yard, where the snow has melted. I can see the labyrinth again, and it looks solid and intact. I was a little worried about how it would fare throughout the winter, but it seems like the snow kept everything in place.

I think Spring is the perfect time to ditch old habits and form new ones. It is a time of rebirth and growth. So why not grow internally while the world outside does the same?