Without a Compass

I've been in a weird funk the past few days. My indecision is affecting me. I feel I am mentally well enough to go out and do something, but I'm not sure what that should be. Should I volunteer? Try to get a job? Apply to schools for library science?

Life within my little bubble is pretty comfortable right now and it is hard for me to press forward and reach toward new activities. But I am feeling society's pull, and it is leaving me anxious and unsettled.

I still have not heard from the library about my volunteer application I submitted. I was hoping they would call and I'd be forced to go in for the interview. But they haven't. And I haven't convinced myself to call them and follow up on it.

I'm not depressed, I just feel lost.

Time to Myself

Mom and Roby are spending time up north in a condo that their friends let them use for the weekend. They left Friday morning, and I awoke yesterday to a quiet, empty house.

It has been relaxing having all this time to myself. I've been reading a lot, and continuing to experiment with self-hypnosis techniques.

Yesterday I made a trip downtown to check out the used-bookstore. They have a pretty good selection of used books, but nothing jumped out at me, and I left empty-handed. It is just as well, as I have enough online reading to explore to keep me busy.

Dropping and Forming Beliefs

I've been hanging out at Steve Pavlina's Personal Development website a lot lately. Steve's blog is wildly popular, and for good reason. He writes about personal development in a very interesting way.

I've been focusing on his writing on empowering beliefs. He views beliefs as a lens through which we see the world. Some beliefs are empowering and help us move toward our goals, some are not. He asserts that if a belief does not serve you, you should drop it and install a new belief to replace it. The more accurate and effective the belief, the more empowering it will be. Steve gives eight guidelines to choosing effective beliefs.

This led me to examine my own beliefs. Which of my beliefs are holding me back? Being as honest as possible with myself, I wrote a list of limiting beliefs. Here are a few I came up with:

I often believe that I should do things perfectly.

I believe that the game of life (working, socializing, etc.) is a struggle.

I believe social interaction (especially with people I don't know too well) is difficult and uncomfortable.

You can probably see how these beliefs would affect my actions. I am hesitant to do many things, because I'm afraid of making mistakes, and I expect them to be a struggle.

I gave it some thought and came up with counter-beliefs:

I believe nobody is perfect, and there is no such thing as perfection.

I believe that the game of life is often pleasurable.

I believe that it is usually enjoyable to engage in social interaction.

If I adopted these new views my assumptions would be completely different going into certain situations, and as a result I'm sure the outcomes would change as well.

I picked up many beliefs during childhood, and through my life experiences. Many of them have never been examined. Why be stuck with default beliefs when I could choose the ones that are most empowering for me? I think this is a wonderful concept.

LOL... it seems like every other day I latch onto some new personal development idea. I get excited thinking about different ways to better myself... actually integrating them into my life is the challenge.

A Foray into Self-Hypnosis

I've been reading the book on self-hypnosis I purchased, called The Secrets of Self-Hypnosis. The author, Adam Eason, discusses how to prepare for hypnosis, various methods of induction (creating a hypnotic state), and ways to write effective hypnotic suggestions.

In preparing for a hypnotic session, he recommends that you practice deep breathing, quiet your internal monologue, relax, and "engage in the moment." He draws upon Eastern traditions for these techniques, briefly discussing the method of breathing into the Hara (a region just below and behind the bellybutton), and outlining the benefits of what is known in Buddhism as mindfulness.

After explaining various ways of induction, he instructs the reader to practice entering a hypnotic trance state. This is the point I am at in the book. There is no need to deliver suggestions during these sessions; instead, at this stage, one is supposed to just experiment with the various ways of induction and develop a feel for the hypnotic state.

So I spent the time recording one of the given scripts that is supposed to induce hypnosis. After sitting and listening to it, I realized that I had read the script too quickly and unevenly to achieve the desired effect.

I recorded another, longer script, and read it softly and slowly.

With the new tape prepared, I lit a couple candles in my bedroom to provide a soft source of light, sat down in my comfortable chair, and closed my eyes. I focused on breathing slowly and being in the moment. Once I was physically relaxed, I turned on the tape and listened to my voice taking me through a beautiful garden while instructing me to relax further and further. It was a pleasant, calming experience. My body felt heavy and relaxed, and my internal monologue seemed to quiet down as I focused on my visualizations.

After mentally spending a while in this beautiful garden, the voice on the tape counted to five and I opened my eyes.

I don't know how deeply I was hypnotized, since this was my first time, and I have nothing to compare it to. However, I would say I was in some sort of trance state.

It was enjoyable, and I look forward to trying it again.

I am also becoming excited about the prospect of being able to make changes in my life. I am imagining being able to instruct my subconscious mind to grow in the ways I would like. It would be empowering. I don't want to get ahead of myself and get my hopes up too much, but I believe that positive expectations can only help the outcome of my experiences with hypnosis.

Trip to the Mental Health Center

Earlier today I was sitting in the waiting room of the mental health center. My psychiatrist came to get me, and brought me back to her office. We sat down, and she poured over my file with a serious demeanor, trying to determine the best treatment options for me. After discussing how I've been doing, we decided to stick with the Abilify and Wellbutrin, as they seem to be working well for me.

"Do you feel like your old self again?" she asked. "Or do you still feel different from before the episode?"

"I still feel kinda different."

"How so?" she inquired further.

"Hmmm..." I had to think about it. "I don't have the confidence that I used to... the confidence socially, and the confidence to get things done. I'm still not as active, and don't feel as motivated as before. I used to just go out and do things."

"That can be a symptom of the illness- not being as motivated." she replied. "Although you don't feel as motivated, you have still done some things, like take the GRE and submit a volunteer application. Hopefully you will build upon these things, and gain some momentum."

I like Dr. L. She takes her job seriously, and gives me the attention and time necessary to work out the best treatment plan. I can be honest with her, and I feel she respects me as an individual who is able to make his own decisions. She works with me, instead of simply dictating what medication I will take. I know this is not always the case with psychiatrists, and I value the relationship we have.

The Silence of Stigma

I was having a conversation with David yesterday, and he mentioned that he had been reading about schizophrenia. He said, "I read that one percent of America's population has schizophrenia?"

"That's the statistic that I always hear," I replied.

"That sounds like a high number!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, it's amazing that that many people have schizophrenia, and you never hear about it."

I explained that, in comparison, about one in six-hundred people have Crohn's disease. Yet when I tell people I have Crohn's disease, I'm always hearing that they know someone with the disease.

I continued, "It shows how little people talk about schizophrenia, because of the risk of stigma. If people were able to about it openly, everyone would realize that they know someone with the condition, and people would understand it better."

This evening David left to drive down to his girlfriend's house to celebrate her birthday. He will go straight back to college after that.

After he had left, I said to Mom, "It was nice having David home for winter break."

"Yeah, it was," she replied. "You must really miss him when he leaves. He's your peer, you have a lot to talk about and share."

"I do miss him when he goes."

I feel sad that he won't be around the house to laugh with and talk to. Still, I'm happy to see him return to his college life with all his friends, where he is building his future.

A Book-Filled Day

This afternoon I went out to the mailbox to retrieve the mail. Although I had just placed a book order Sunday night, I was hoping that it would have arrived already. I peered in the mailbox, and there it was, a brown envelope addressed to me. I grabbed it, along with the other mail, and scurried back inside the warm house.

Now, getting mail is always cool, and new books always excite me... but put the two together, and it puts a big grin on my face. I love receiving books in the mail. I cut the envelope open, reached inside, and took out my new book on self-hypnosis.

Not long after, I took a ride with David to Barnes and Noble, so he could pick up a cookbook to give to his girlfriend for her birthday (along with a couple other books he has already purchased).

As we looked through cookbooks, I thought back to my experiences with cooking. I made my best dishes when I lived with my then girlfriend Robyn. We were both cooking novices, and I was so excited to learn how to combine different ingredients with various spices. We worked as a team, preparing the food and cooking it, and learning as we went along. We made some delicious dishes, and always enjoyed the process.

When later on I was living alone, I resorted to fast food and taco shops. It just wasn't the same cooking alone, without Robyn.

After some time, David chose a book. He actually ended up buying the first book we looked at, after considering a few others. It was a "quick and healthy" cookbook, with info boxes giving tips on cooking with specific foods. I think it was a good choice for his girlfriend, who will soon be setting out on her own.

When we returned home, supper was almost ready. It wasn't until after dinner that I was able to start reading my new book. I have only had the chance to read the first couple chapters, but it looks like it will be what I was looking for. To derive the maximum benefit from the book, the author explicitly instructs the reader to read the book in order. Of course I want to skip ahead and flip through it haphazardly, but I'll be a good little self-hypnotist-in-training and do as he says! I'm looking forward to reading more.

A New Idea for Growth

Every couple of months I latch onto some idea for personal or spiritual growth, and search for information on the topic. I scour the internet, I pick up a couple books, and I read, read, read. I admit that there are problems with this approach, but regardless, it is my attempt to better myself.

My latest interest is self-hypnosis. I've been reading about it online, and its proponents say that hypnosis allows you to affect your subconscious mind in a way that can eliminate bad habits and undesirable ways of thinking or feeling. What if I was able to stop overeating? Be more confident? Be more relaxed in social situations?

Apparently real hypnosis has little to do with making people do silly things. It is not supernatural. It is simply a trance state that one actually slips into naturally throughout the day- for example, when you are driving on the highway and zone out and miss an exit, when you daydream, and when you are engrossed in a good novel. In this state of increased concentration, the subconscious becomes more open to suggestion.

It seems like a powerful tool for self-improvement. I don't think it will solve all my problems, but at the very least it sounds like an effective method for deep relaxation. So I will investigate further. Maybe it will not pan out, I’ll become bored or disillusioned, and my latest plan will fall by the wayside. Or maybe it will have a profound impact on my life. Usually this type of thing falls in the middle, and has an effect on me, but is not as far-reaching as expected. I shall see...

A Tasty Breakfast

This morning Roby, Mom, David and I went out to breakfast at Roby's favorite breakfast place. It is a small, cozy little restaurant that actually more resembles a coffee shop. On the walls hang paintings by different artists, some oil, some watercolor. The floors, tables and chairs are all wooden, and there is a big counter facing the entrance with a glass display of various delicious-looking baked goods. Behind the counter is an area where all the food is cooked. The owner, who appears to be late twenties/early thirties, cooks, rings up checks, buses tables, and even takes orders when it isn't too busy. I'm amazed at what she pulls off. At one point David dropped a fork, and she heard it fall from behind a corner and called over, "Need a new fork?"

"Yes, please," David replied.

"How did she know it was a fork? I wonder if she can tell by the sound?" I said.

"Maybe that's part of the training," David joked.

Roby and I both ordered the apple crisp French toast that comes with a side of cheesy scrambled eggs. The French toast is covered with cooked apples with granola sprinkled over them, topped with whipped cream and syrup. David and Mom had poached eggs laid on top of spinach, tomato, and English muffin, with potatoes on the side. The food was fabulous. I look forward to going there again.

Spring in January

It is a beautiful day today! The temperature is approaching sixty degrees, giving us a pleasant respite from winter. It is funny, because although it feels like spring, there is still nearly two feet of snow on the ground that has not melted yet.

A Vote, and to the Library

David and I went out to the polling station today and cast our vote for the New Hampshire primary. It is an exciting race, and right now I'm sitting in front of the TV watching the results slowly tallied from the precincts across the state.

After voting, we stopped by the library. I walked up the concrete steps, through the heavy wooden doors, and approached the reference desk.

The librarian behind the desk looked up and asked me, "Can I help you?"

"I'd like to drop off this volunteer application form for the volunteer coordinator," I said.

"OK," she replied, "I'll make sure she gets it."

I thanked her, smiled, and walked away. When I climbed back in the car, where David was waiting, David asked, "Everything taken care of?"

"Well, the volunteer coordinator told me to drop off the application at the reference desk, and now I just need to wait for her to give me a call. Then I'll go in for an interview."

I felt good about turning in the application. I am a little nervous about the interview, but I will deal with that when it comes.

A Wish for Clarity

Every year on Dad's birthday, Mom would make an icebox cake. So in honor of what would have been my father's 64th birthday today, my mother made one that we ate this afternoon. I believe there are many variations of icebox cake, but the recipe that my father taught to my mother consists of layers of graham cracker, banana, and chocolate pudding, all repeated, and stacked within a baking dish. It is not cooked, but refrigerated (hence the name). It is simple but good.

One of my friends from high school who lives in Boston is applying to graduate programs in Library Science. She knew I was considering doing the same, and emailed and asked me where I was in the application process. I wrote her back a rambling email about how I'm still feeling indecisive about whether I want to be a librarian or not.

How does one really know what career they want? In college I quixotically wanted to be a poet; I never actually knew what job I desired, aside from teaching poetry at a university. Since then I have decided that I am not cut out for the competitive literary and scholarly world. Maybe I should not be focusing on a career at the moment, considering I have not even gone back to work in any capacity as of yet.

Still, a library career is appealing. I would be surrounded by books and learning all day, helping people find information. It seems like a job without too much stress, which is important because I'm not sure how much stress I will be able to handle on a job.

I wish I had some clarity. I guess I just need to take things one step at a time, and see where it takes me. Tomorrow I'll finish filling out the volunteer application. One step at a time...

Alternatives

As I smoked my first cigarette of the morning, I realized how negative I felt. I did not accomplish much yesterday, and the resulting feelings of discouragement had carried over into today. I felt stuck.

Be positive, I said to myself. It is all in the mind. After taking an inventory of things that I am grateful for, I asked myself: What can I do to make today a positive experience?

I was able to come up with a few options:

• Watch The Secret. Many of you are probably familiar with this documentary-style video. It is based on the "Law of Attraction," which asserts that whatever one thinks and feels will be attracted to them. Although I may not completely agree with it, I see it as an affirmation of the power of the mind and it encourages me to stay positive.
  
• Do some creative writing.
  
• Complete a couple tasks on the to-do list.
• Meditate.
• Read spiritual literature.

After brainstorming these ideas, my attitude had improved. If I follow through with some of these choices, today should be a good day. I just have to remember that there are always alternatives to wallowing in negativity.

A Toasty Little Room

Simple Goals

This morning I set two simple goals for the day: meditate, and make a To Do List. I figured this would be a good way to ease myself into the post-holiday world, and lay the groundwork for getting into a better routine.

By eight p.m., I still had not done either. But finally I felt a surge of motivation, and decided that I still had plenty of time to accomplish both tasks. I went up to my room, sat down, set my timer, closed my eyes, and meditated for twenty minutes.

When the timer went off, I opened my eyes, feeling a little more centered. I've been practicing meditation since last February, except for a gap over the past month. I'd like to take it up again, and this was a good first step.

Then I came downstairs and made a list of things I need to do, and a list of goals for my daily routine, such as exercise and meditation. I circled the tasks that I would like to accomplish tomorrow.

Although they were rather simple, I still felt good about achieving my modest goals for the day.

Where My Dreams May Lead...

We had a poker game to celebrate last night. After all my relatives had left, I laid down on the couch at two a.m., and soon drifted off to sleep.

In my first dream of the new year, I was spending time with an old high school friend. In the dream, we felt great affection for each other, and we started kissing passionately- the kind of kisses that take your breath away.

As I started to wake up, I felt sad to leave her lips and the deep feelings of affection I had for her.

Wow, I thought, it has been a long time since I've been in the arms of a woman...

I felt part of me reawakening...

I felt a longing for the companionship of another...

I felt good, but lonely...

I started to evaluate my life.

I have made progress over the last year. No longer do I lay on the couch all day. I am more talkative, more engaged. But what lies beyond my small circle of comfort?

Nascent thoughts began to form in my mind: maybe it is time to step beyond myself... to push myself further out into the game of life. A job. An apartment. A girlfriend. For a long time it was too overwhelming to even consider striving for these goals. And in a way, it still is. But now I am almost able to desire these things, to imagine myself attaining them.

All this stirred up by the lips of a woman in a dream. It was more than a kiss, though. To me, it was a symbol of stepping back into the flow of life. My subconscious saying, don't forget what is out there... don't forget what possibilities life holds.

Self-portait

I thought I would start off 2008 with a couple snapshot self-portaits. Here's to a new year of possibilities...