The Mind Wraps Itself Up...

The foliage has been beautiful this autumn. Oranges, yellows, and reds that clung to the trees for weeks, and are finally falling to the ground. Today the sun is shining, and the temperature is hovering around 50 degrees. I am remembering what I love about fall... the New Hampshire beauty, of course, but also, as the mercury drops, the bundling up with warm clothes, and curling up inside with a warm cup of tea. It is part of the cocooning process, getting ready for winter, and starting to shift inward as the boisterous summer heat recedes in memory. The mind wraps itself up in protective layers, readying itself for the long winter ahead.

And yet, as I become more comfortable socially (thanks in part to some med changes), I become more outgoing, start to shine a little brighter, as the sun follows a shallow path over the horizon, casting long shadows over the cool ground. Perhaps this winter the spark inside me will be bright enough to sustain me through the long, cold winter nights. I feel optimistic... maybe even resilient.

My spiritual search has waxed and waned over the past few months... right now I am in an upswing where I find myself reading spiritual literature, and contemplating the concepts I come across. I am considering how I can apply these spiritual tools to my life. Can I get in a meditation routine that will make me feel more connected and help with my anxiety? Will mindfulness of my feelings and thoughts allow me to overcome my negative eating habits? Can I change the way I relate to the world to give me more inner peace and calm?

One of the paradoxes of spiritual practice is that it can lead to greater self-acceptance, but also to inner transformation. There is a part of me that resists this truth. It seems to think that if I were to love myself fully for who I am right now, there would be no incentive to change negative habits and thought patterns. Yet if my inner critic were capable of changing the things it doesn't like by belittling me, these things would have changed long ago.

So is this a paradox, or are the two actually intertwined? I find I have trouble with both; perhaps greater self-acceptance would actually enable easier inner transformation. I've heard it said that to move forward, one must first accept where they stand. For some reason this rings true to me. Criticism directed toward myself is based in anger and frustration, and results in pain. How could this be effective or healthy?

Maybe it's time I give Mr. Critic a vacation and see what Love can do in his place.