An Idealist Healer...

So for quite some time I've been contemplating what kind of career would be a good match for me. I thought about becoming a librarian, but realized that I did not really desire it strongly enough (especially to go through two to three years of schooling). So I put that thought on the back burner, and gradually it faded away.

I didn't have many ideas, so one day I found myself taking a personality test online. It told me I am an "Idealist Healer" (INFP) and many of the qualities it attributed to INFPs seemed right on. But what I was most interested in were the career recommendations for my personality type.

I browsed through them... sociology professor, psychologist, composer... and then I came to one that struck me: grant writer. Hmm. Worth looking into.

So I did. Turns out, grant writing (that is what it is called, but in actuality, it is grant proposal writing) requires creativity, organizational abilities and writing skills (check, check and check). So far so good. Also, grant writers usually work to secure grants for non-profit organizations, most of which support good causes. Because of this, many grant writers find the work very rewarding, as they help bring financial resources into the local community.

So I tucked the idea away, and continued to consider it from time to time.

Eventually, I found myself considering it more and more. I began looking up classes for grant writing in my area. Turns out, there is one offered next spring at a nearby college. Sign up is in December, and I hope to go through with it.

Then came a meeting at the Audubon Center where I volunteer. The organization (which is separate from the National Audubon) has come to a critical point financially. And guess what? They need people to help write grant proposals.

I offered to help out, and within a few days I was working on my first grant proposal! It seems like as soon as I was ready to further explore grant writing, the opportunity fell into my lap. I'm enjoying the process so far, and I've been very busy, between working on that and doing my normal volunteer work at the front desk for the Audubon Center.

I feel like I have a greater life purpose to work toward, and this is definitely helping me in my recovery from mental illness. I'm doing things that would have been out of reach a mere month or two ago. I can't help but see this as an instance when the Universe gave me exactly what I needed, at the moment I was ready for it. I feel grateful.



Happy Thanksgiving, all!

The Mind Wraps Itself Up...

The foliage has been beautiful this autumn. Oranges, yellows, and reds that clung to the trees for weeks, and are finally falling to the ground. Today the sun is shining, and the temperature is hovering around 50 degrees. I am remembering what I love about fall... the New Hampshire beauty, of course, but also, as the mercury drops, the bundling up with warm clothes, and curling up inside with a warm cup of tea. It is part of the cocooning process, getting ready for winter, and starting to shift inward as the boisterous summer heat recedes in memory. The mind wraps itself up in protective layers, readying itself for the long winter ahead.

And yet, as I become more comfortable socially (thanks in part to some med changes), I become more outgoing, start to shine a little brighter, as the sun follows a shallow path over the horizon, casting long shadows over the cool ground. Perhaps this winter the spark inside me will be bright enough to sustain me through the long, cold winter nights. I feel optimistic... maybe even resilient.

My spiritual search has waxed and waned over the past few months... right now I am in an upswing where I find myself reading spiritual literature, and contemplating the concepts I come across. I am considering how I can apply these spiritual tools to my life. Can I get in a meditation routine that will make me feel more connected and help with my anxiety? Will mindfulness of my feelings and thoughts allow me to overcome my negative eating habits? Can I change the way I relate to the world to give me more inner peace and calm?

One of the paradoxes of spiritual practice is that it can lead to greater self-acceptance, but also to inner transformation. There is a part of me that resists this truth. It seems to think that if I were to love myself fully for who I am right now, there would be no incentive to change negative habits and thought patterns. Yet if my inner critic were capable of changing the things it doesn't like by belittling me, these things would have changed long ago.

So is this a paradox, or are the two actually intertwined? I find I have trouble with both; perhaps greater self-acceptance would actually enable easier inner transformation. I've heard it said that to move forward, one must first accept where they stand. For some reason this rings true to me. Criticism directed toward myself is based in anger and frustration, and results in pain. How could this be effective or healthy?

Maybe it's time I give Mr. Critic a vacation and see what Love can do in his place.