Farewell Winter... Hello Spring

Finally, all the snow has melted in the backyard, except for this little patch that is still hanging in there. It will soon be reduced to a moist spot on the ground.

These are the first sprouts of green that are coming up in the garden. What a relief to see some fresh life poking through, and to have the temperatures consistently into the 60s this week.

Greener Pastures Lure Away Another Good Therapist

I saw Jeannine, my case manager/therapist yesterday. She informed me that she is leaving the Mental Health Center where I see her.

I'm disappointed to lose Jeannine. I think we were just getting to the point where she knew how to productively encourage me to branch out and grow more. It's always a little hard switching therapists, because you're not sure how well you will click with the new one, and of course you have to start from scratch, telling your life story and trying to get him or her up to speed. Jeannine was apologetic, and said that she knows that it is not good therapeutically for one patient to be bounced around from therapist to therapist.

I've been lucky to have two good therapists since I've been going to the Mental Health Center, but unfortunately they both ended up leaving about a year after I started seeing them. A year may seem like a long time, but in my experience in therapy, it really isn't.

I'm hopeful that my new one will be just as good--who knows, she or he may be even better for me, once we get settled in together.

A Quiet Weekend

I had a pretty quiet weekend. Mom and Roby went up to Maine for a few days, so I had plenty of time to myself.

I did go out Saturday night to play poker with some of my relatives at my cousin's house. I always enjoy playing poker. I ended up losing twelve dollars, but that still adds up to a pretty cheap night out.

I find that I'm still struggling with my eating habits. It is hard to sustain the amount of vigilance necessary to avoid overeating. If I eat something without being sufficiently hungry, my mind takes it as a cue for my psychological cravings to kick in. So when it comes to eating, I'm still having good days and bad days.

A Shift in Thinking

Yesterday I took a walk around the pond again. This time I went with my Mom. We saw the Blue Heron, which had been gone all winter. It was a nice day for a walk--temperatures in the 50's with the sun shining.

Thankfully, somehow my attitude seems to have shifted regarding my eating habits. On Monday and Tuesday, I did not overeat at all. This is the first time in months that I've refrained from eating too much for a full day. Wednesday, I ended up overeating, but Thursday I was back on track.

What caused this shift that had eluded me for a long time? Not sure, but it seemed to have started Monday morning, while I was smoking a cigarette. It occurred to me, "If I want to be healthy, be thin, I need to think like a thin person would. It is all in the mind. That is the only difference--the way we think, our attitude."

To be able to avoid overeating, and to be able to lose weight, I feel I need to accept my hunger as a natural sensation that I can be on friendly terms with. Otherwise, every time I feel the slightest hunger, I start eating. And once I start, it is hard to stop. I read on an overeater's website about the dilemma that overeaters find themselves in. Not to say that food addiction is any harder to stop than drugs or alcohol, but it is a unique situation, in that when one is addicted to drugs or alcohol, one can lock up the tiger (avoid drugs altogether), but "you can't stop eating food. So instead of caging up the tiger forever, it's a little like taking the tiger for a walk three times a day."

So later that day, somehow I found myself feeling differently towards my hunger. I made peace with it. I would rather be hungry than full of unnecessary food and dealing with the psychological burden that comes with it. I didn't allow myself to eat anything when I became hungry (except for the three meals, of course), because I knew it would lead me to eating too much.

But the next day, I found I was able to eat a small amount of food when hungry, without eating too much. It helps if I have a healthy snack, like fruit or yogurt. If I start in on the pretzels (carbs), it's all over.

So by some grace, I have started winning some battles against food. The war is not over yet--I still have psychological cravings--but I've begun to overcome. And I feel good about it. Somehow, the hunger in the pit of my stomach makes me feel a little more alive. Weird, huh?