Hello!

Hello! I'm still alive! :)

I guess I've almost starved my blog to death. For some reason I just refuse to pull the plug completely, though. I want to at least post updates on the labyrinth through its completion.

And I'd like let people know how I've been doing! Things are starting to pick up a bit. I've made a new friend who also happens to have schizophrenia. It's nice having someone who can relate to the whole mental illness piece, but just as importantly I appreciate having someone to hang out with and go out to Indian and Thai restaurants with.

I also FINALLY got out and put in a volunteer application. Since the library never really panned out, I decided to volunteer at the local Audubon Society. It is an environmental organization that organizes nature programs for children, plans outings for adults, maintains walking trails, puts on seasonal events, and so on.

I talked to the volunteer coordinator, and she sounded excited to have a new volunteer. I'm going to be working in the visitor center, greeting guests and taking phone calls. I may even help write some press releases.

I'm pretty excited about it, and am relieved that I finally got out and took a step forward.

Anyway, so here are a few photos of the labyrinth, in progress:

This first one shows the perimeter of bricks that I dug into the ground.


This picture shows the brick circle filled with pebbles that form the base to walk on.

Now that the pebbles are down, I've been placing bigger rocks in the circle to create the paths of the labyrinth. I have a lot of it done, but I think I'll wait to post a photo.

I want to thank all of you for still stopping by from time to time. Maybe I should have just closed my blog when I stopped doing it daily, but personally, whenever a blog I read decides to call it quits, I always long for that occasional post to just know how that person is doing. So I guess that's what this blog has become for now.

Take care, everyone!

Walk Towards Recovery

I took a walk yesterday on a trail that goes around a nearby pond. It was still mostly frozen over, with snow covering the ice. The wide open areas of snow in these photos are where the frozen pond is.




It felt good to get out and take a walk. The temperature was up into the mid-fifties, making it feel a little like spring, even if it still doesn't look like it.

Taking walks is part of my plan to get out of the house and do more. I met with my councilor, Jeannine, last week, and she encouraged me to exercise at least twice a week to start.

She also suggested that I keep track of my food intake throughout the day, so I started writing in my journal exactly what I'm eating, and what I'm thinking and doing right before I eat. Hopefully some patterns will show up.

Jeannine also discussed with me the importance of getting out and meeting like-minded people, perhaps by attending some spiritual or meditation groups. I read a lot of spiritual writing, but it isn't quite the same as being part of a spiritual community. So I think I may check out a group that meets once a month and discusses spiritual topics, not too far from where I live. It is open to anyone, and from what I can tell from their website, I would find the discussions interesting and insightful.

I also met with my psychiatrist, Dr. L, last week. We decided to raise my Abilify medication to 15mg, up from 10. We're doing this to see if it helps with my motivation difficulties and ability to get out and do more. I'm glad that we are making the adjustment. Dr. L. is always willing to reevaluate the meds and change things until she feels it is the best dose and drug for my current situation. It could take a while before I notice much difference.... until then, I'll keep walking, and do the best that I can.

A Wish for Clarity

Every year on Dad's birthday, Mom would make an icebox cake. So in honor of what would have been my father's 64th birthday today, my mother made one that we ate this afternoon. I believe there are many variations of icebox cake, but the recipe that my father taught to my mother consists of layers of graham cracker, banana, and chocolate pudding, all repeated, and stacked within a baking dish. It is not cooked, but refrigerated (hence the name). It is simple but good.

One of my friends from high school who lives in Boston is applying to graduate programs in Library Science. She knew I was considering doing the same, and emailed and asked me where I was in the application process. I wrote her back a rambling email about how I'm still feeling indecisive about whether I want to be a librarian or not.

How does one really know what career they want? In college I quixotically wanted to be a poet; I never actually knew what job I desired, aside from teaching poetry at a university. Since then I have decided that I am not cut out for the competitive literary and scholarly world. Maybe I should not be focusing on a career at the moment, considering I have not even gone back to work in any capacity as of yet.

Still, a library career is appealing. I would be surrounded by books and learning all day, helping people find information. It seems like a job without too much stress, which is important because I'm not sure how much stress I will be able to handle on a job.

I wish I had some clarity. I guess I just need to take things one step at a time, and see where it takes me. Tomorrow I'll finish filling out the volunteer application. One step at a time...

Where My Dreams May Lead...

We had a poker game to celebrate last night. After all my relatives had left, I laid down on the couch at two a.m., and soon drifted off to sleep.

In my first dream of the new year, I was spending time with an old high school friend. In the dream, we felt great affection for each other, and we started kissing passionately- the kind of kisses that take your breath away.

As I started to wake up, I felt sad to leave her lips and the deep feelings of affection I had for her.

Wow, I thought, it has been a long time since I've been in the arms of a woman...

I felt part of me reawakening...

I felt a longing for the companionship of another...

I felt good, but lonely...

I started to evaluate my life.

I have made progress over the last year. No longer do I lay on the couch all day. I am more talkative, more engaged. But what lies beyond my small circle of comfort?

Nascent thoughts began to form in my mind: maybe it is time to step beyond myself... to push myself further out into the game of life. A job. An apartment. A girlfriend. For a long time it was too overwhelming to even consider striving for these goals. And in a way, it still is. But now I am almost able to desire these things, to imagine myself attaining them.

All this stirred up by the lips of a woman in a dream. It was more than a kiss, though. To me, it was a symbol of stepping back into the flow of life. My subconscious saying, don't forget what is out there... don't forget what possibilities life holds.

Morning Therapy

I woke up to my alarm at 8:30 this morning, rolled out of bed and went downstairs to make some coffee. After eating breakfast, I drove through snow-covered roads to the mental health center. I checked in, waited for a few minutes, then my therapist Jeannine came and brought me back to her office.

We talked about what has been happening in my life.

"How is the librarian stuff going?" she asked.

"OK. I should start looking at schools soon. I'm still a bit ambivalent about it though. Looking ahead at the coming year, I think I may want to start working at some point, and I don't know if I'll need to go through an adjustment period before I start taking classes as well."

"That makes sense. Have you inquired about volunteering yet?"

"Yes! I finally called and talked to the volunteer coordinator."

"Good for you, Mike!"

"Thanks. I picked up a volunteer application and now I need to fill it out and return it."

"So this is still something that you want to do?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm not exactly looking forward to it intensely, but I think it will be good for me to get out and have more of a routine. Plus it will be a step toward getting back to work."

Later she asked, "How is the overeating going?"

"Ummm, not so good."

"Has it decreased at all?"

"No, not really."

"Do you have a sense of what is causing it?"

"I'm not sure. Sometimes it may be stress, but other times it just seems like a habit."

"I think that you need to come up with a plan," she said, "something that you do whenever you get cravings. Tell yourself that you will do it, say, three times. You may still end up overeating, but you will begin forming good habits as well. Also, some people find that if they get in a good routine, their overeating decreases. Perhaps volunteering will do that for you."

"I hope so." I replied. "I do feel like I have excess mental and physical energy that may make my cravings more intense. Being busier may improve things."

Soon time was up, and we scheduled an appointment for next month.

Now that I'm home, I need to clean the bathroom, because we are having relatives over for a New Year's Eve poker game.

I want to wish everyone a wonderful night, and a new year full of hope and promise.

Hopes and Burdens

I've been listening to some old mix tapes I made when I was in high school. They take me back to a different time in my life. A time when I was so sure of myself. I had a good group of friends nearby, a girlfriend, the soccer team. I was a leader in Boy Scouts, and a writer and editor for the school newspaper. But my nostalgia is tempered by the fact that I was also depressed and full of angst and anger toward what seemed to be an unjust society.

Since then I've had much happen that I would have never dreamed of. I moved out to California. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Had a few different girlfriends. Lived in Tijuana, Mexico for six months. Moved back to San Diego near the beach, made new friends and learned to surf. Eventually I had a psychotic episode, was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and ended up back in New Hampshire, living at home again. Life has come full circle, yet I am a much different person than I was back in high school.

There is little that I regret, yet much that I may never accomplish. I always assumed that I would have a successful career, buy a house, get married, and have two or three children. Over the past year I have come to terms with the fact that all this may not be in the cards for me. It no longer frustrates or angers me. Que sera, sera.

I do still have some hopes and dreams though. I still want to get married someday; I feel having a partner to share life's ups and downs with would eventually be important to me. Right now, however, I feel it is enough to sort out my own life, without dealing with someone else's psyche.

Also, I think that some sort of gratifying work would be good for me in the long term. Work seems to give people a sense of purpose and satisfaction.

But I am no longer jealous of my friends that have career track jobs with stock options and a 401K. That is great for them, but may never materialize for me. It is my own life, and I need to set my own goals and try not to compare myself to others.

We all have our own burdens to carry. And I must do the best I can with what I have been given.

A River of Peace

"How was the NAMI meeting?" I ask my mother as she takes off her jacket and puts down her purse. She had just returned from a support group for friends and family of people with mental illness.

"Good, I'm glad I went. It was good to see everyone again. Such sad stories though. I think that's why I stopped going after a while- it can get kinda depressing. Most of the people there are having a lot of trouble with their loved one and they need to vent and support each other. It's a really good group for them, I just don't feel like I fit in. You're just so easy to live with."

I smile. I feel fortunate to have such a loving, understanding mother. I know she is glad that I take the medicine that allows me to think clearly. Without the meds, there's no telling what state of mind I would be in.

"You know," I say, "from the schizophrenia recovery stories I've read, many of these people had really tough times, hit rock bottom, and eventually turn things around and end up being OK."

"Do you think it's the meds that does it for them?"

"Well, it's not the only thing, I think it takes more than that... but medicine is often the foundation for everything else. Medicine... and hope."

Having her go out to the NAMI meeting takes me back to when I first was diagnosed. I would lie on the couch in the living room, feeling so sad and depressed and I'd wait anxiously for her to get back from the meeting, hoping she'd bring some good news about my condition, some bit of hope. It makes me emotional to think of that time, wandering through the dark woods of a new, frightening diagnosis, desperately seeking a glint of light.

And I still remember a night later on when I was lying on my bed staring off at the ceiling, and spontaneously I started visualizing myself merging into a flowing body of water- a river of peace, a river that washed away all worry, that gave the strength to deal with anything that could possibly happen, including death.

I thought to myself, "this must be what hope feels like."

And suddenly, by the grace of God, I had something to hang on to.

Tomorrow I Step Up

I slept in this morning- I’m trying to have a nice relaxing Sunday, as it is my day off from GRE (the test they make you take to get into graduate school) studying. I’ve been studying consistently 6 days a week in order to prepare for the test. If for no other reason, the responsibility of studying has forced me into a routine that gives some structure to my days, which I think is healthy for me, seeing as how I’m on disability and don’t work.

Tomorrow I’m hoping to take a step in the direction of getting back to work by calling the library and seeing if I can start volunteering for them. It’s something that I’ve thought about doing for a couple months but I just haven’t worked up the courage to call. It’s a bit intimidating for me to think of getting back out there in the world doing work amongst strangers that I don’t know, in a public place where I may run into old acquaintances from my high school days. I really haven’t been that active since my episode in the spring of last year.

But as I work towards recovery from my mental illness, I believe this is an important step to take. As my councilor/ social worker Janeanne pointed out, one can’t always wait to be full of confidence before starting a new activity- sometimes you need to take the plunge, take what comes, and build the confidence as you go. Tomorrow I hope to step up, get my feet wet by making the phone call to the library, and get ready for the dive.