Where My Dreams May Lead...

We had a poker game to celebrate last night. After all my relatives had left, I laid down on the couch at two a.m., and soon drifted off to sleep.

In my first dream of the new year, I was spending time with an old high school friend. In the dream, we felt great affection for each other, and we started kissing passionately- the kind of kisses that take your breath away.

As I started to wake up, I felt sad to leave her lips and the deep feelings of affection I had for her.

Wow, I thought, it has been a long time since I've been in the arms of a woman...

I felt part of me reawakening...

I felt a longing for the companionship of another...

I felt good, but lonely...

I started to evaluate my life.

I have made progress over the last year. No longer do I lay on the couch all day. I am more talkative, more engaged. But what lies beyond my small circle of comfort?

Nascent thoughts began to form in my mind: maybe it is time to step beyond myself... to push myself further out into the game of life. A job. An apartment. A girlfriend. For a long time it was too overwhelming to even consider striving for these goals. And in a way, it still is. But now I am almost able to desire these things, to imagine myself attaining them.

All this stirred up by the lips of a woman in a dream. It was more than a kiss, though. To me, it was a symbol of stepping back into the flow of life. My subconscious saying, don't forget what is out there... don't forget what possibilities life holds.

Self-portait

I thought I would start off 2008 with a couple snapshot self-portaits. Here's to a new year of possibilities...

Christmas Day

We woke up Christmas morning, and gathered around the tree to open gifts. "Why don't you pass out the presents, like Dad used to do," my mother asked me. I agreed and got down on my knees to reach under the tree. We opened gifts, and afterwards had a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, potatoes, coffee and orange juice. It was a pleasant morning.

After breakfast we drove down to Cromwell, Connecticut where my grandmother lives. She was having the annual Christmas dinner with all my aunts and uncles and cousins on my father's side. It was nice seeing everyone. A couple of my cousins just had babies in November, so there were a couple new babies around for us to dote over. It was my cousin Eric's first child, and he cradled his son with the proud smile of a new father.

Before eating, we always pass out small glasses of Asti, an Italian sparkling wine, and somebody gives a toast. David was asked to speak this year, and we all crowded into the living room, holding champagne glasses, listening to his words. He started, "First of all, I want to remember Grandpa and my father, who will always be with us in spirit." Continuing, he congratulated the parents of the new babies, and Mom and Roby for their marriage. Then he thanked Grandma for having the party and staying strong all these years. His delivery was great, and the content was moving. When he finished, we all clinked glasses together, wishing each other a Merry Christmas.

The food was delicious, especially the much anticipated lasagna. My Italian grandmother has made it for years, and recently she passed down the recipe to her daughter Dianna; now they make it together. Aunt Dianna said that she went to three different specialty shops to get all the sausage, ground beef, noodles, and fresh ricotta cheese. It was perfect.

After dinner many of us fell asleep in the living room, despite drinking my grandmother's strong coffee that she always brews. The smell of coffee will always remind me of her house.

Overall I was able to handle the socializing and activity pretty well. I went upstairs to the guest bedroom to take a couple breaks, and once in a while sneaked outside for some fresh air and a cigarette. Eventually people started leaving, giving everyone big hugs and well wishes.

Later David and I were sitting alone with Grandma in the living room. She said, "Roby seems like a really nice guy. I'm glad to see your mother has found someone she is happy with." I was relieved to hear these words, because we were a little worried about how Grandma was handling my mother's remarriage. I think it was hard for her, because it was a strong reminder that her son is no longer with us.

Soon we all went to bed, content with a nice Christmas celebration.

Merry Christmas!

Wow, I've been really busy. John came in from New York City yesterday, so I've been hanging out with him and David. John needed to finish his shopping today, so we went out with him. I made a pot of chili tonight for a party I'm going to on Wednesday. Also, I helped David make sugar cookies. I just finished wrapping presents, and now I need to clean up the kitchen and go to bed. Despite all the activity, I've been holding up pretty well. I may not be around much for a couple days, because we're going down to Connecticut to visit my relatives tomorrow.

I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. May all of you have a safe, wonderful day!

The Holiday Season Continues...

We went to the Christmas party for Roby's side of the family last night, at his daughter Jackie's house. Roby has eight children, so with the wedding my family suddenly became much bigger, adding many step-brothers and sisters. It is funny to think of them that way, though, because most of them are much older than me. Roby is about fourteen years older than my Mom, resulting in a large gap between the age of their children.

At the party, David was talking about his plans for winter break, saying "No, I won't be working, but I'll be productive through..."

"Define productive," Mom said, giving him a hard time

"Well, I've been exercising, and I'm working on a business plan."

"So what you're saying," Jackie interjected playfully, "Is my fifteen year old son will be working more than you will during vacation?"

"Haha, yeah, I guess so."

They did not say anything to me, but I felt embarrassed about my own unemployment. Much of society's definition of a productive individual relies on gainful employment. At times, not having a job brings on feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps I am not pushing myself hard enough? Some of the symptoms of schizophrenia are lack of motivation, apathy, and social withdrawal. But how do I separate these symptoms from normal feelings of self doubt, fear and laziness? Since I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I have tried to take things slow, so I would not become overwhelmed. But have I let myself coast instead of climbing the path of recovery?

"So what do you plan on doing next summer?" Mom asked David.

"Well, I'm starting to apply to internships. I'm hoping to get one in Boston or New York."

Boston or New York... that's when I realized that David may not return home for the summer. Small pangs of sorrow rose in my chest. I will miss him if he doesn't come home after next semester.

The party continued, and overall it was pretty good. David and I hovered near the food tables and ate until we were stuffed. Roby's family members are all personable and friendly, so it is easy enough to get along with them. It was a good way for us to get to know our new side of the family better, even if I felt awkward and nervous at times.

The holiday season continues, with one more party down.

The Never Ending Parking Lot

David and I went to the mall today to finish up our Christmas shopping. We expected the mall would be busy because it is so close to Christmas. The mall is surrounded by parking lots on all sides, and when we arrived, we encountered a good amount of traffic coming and going through the lots.

It did not take us very long to complete our shopping. Soon we were getting back into the car, ready to go.

We started off slow, because it was bumper to bumper traffic traveling on the road that brings you around the whole mall. Soon we went from moving slowly to a dead stop. Literally, we would move one car length, then wait five to ten minutes to move another car length.

After about an hour, I left David with the car and went back into the mall to buy some soda and snacks. When I returned, David had hardly moved.

About a half hour later, I asked David, "How many miles per hour do you think we're averaging?"

"I don't know... how far do you think we've gone? Maybe five or six hundred feet?"

"Six hundred sounds about right."

"Well, we don't have anything better to do," David said, pulling out the calculator on his cell phone. "There are 5,280 feet in a mile, so..." A few seconds later he said, "We're moving .025 miles an hour!"

"We're cruising!"

Finally, about an hour later, we started moving faster. By the time we actually left the mall property, we had been driving for over three hours!

It actually did not seem that long; being with David made the time go by fairly quickly. But I have never experienced traffic like that before.

And thankfully we are both done our Christmas shopping now.

A Party With the Family

David finished his last final exam yesterday and was supposed to drive home from college last night to avoid the huge snowstorm that was to start early this morning. However, he fell asleep at his girlfriend's place and did not wake up until four AM, and by the time he hit the road, the storm was in full force. Fortunately he navigated the storm safely, and jumped into bed as soon as he arrived at seven AM.

I first saw him a little before noon, when he got out of bed. I noticed how groggy he looked. "A little tired?" I asked.

"Man, I'm exhausted."

"How was the ride?"

"I could only see fifty feet in front of me, and the median line was completely covered with snow. I had to go at forty miles an hour the whole way. At least there wasn't much traffic at that time of day."

"Well, I'm glad you made it OK!" I said.

"Ha, me too! It was a long drive. So... is the Christmas party starting soon?"

"Yeah, people should be arriving in a half hour."

David jumped in the shower, and pretty soon my relatives started trickling in.

The party turned out well. I did not suffer from much anxiety, which was nice. A few weeks ago I was starting to dread the holiday season, because of all the socializing and family parties I could see on the horizon. But now that I've made it through Thanksgiving and the wedding, and the first Christmas party, I'm starting to feel more confident. It does help to have David around, because we stayed by each other for much of the party, and he is easy to converse with. I am glad he is home for winter break.

Cleaning and Snow Pictures

Tomorrow my Mom is throwing the annual holiday party for her side of the family so today we are spending time cleaning up the house. I vacuumed the downstairs, and I will soon clean the upstairs bathroom.

Yesterday I used Mom's camera to take some pictures of the snow, since her camera is much nicer than mine. I thought I'd post a few that I took. The falling snow that you see in some of them is coming down from the trees.

A Decorated Christmas Tree

Well, we waited until after dinner tonight to decorate the tree. We made hot chocolate and pulled out the ornaments. Here it is:



My mother loves birds, so we have a birds and bulb theme for the tree. Here's a few birds in the tree:


Just as we were finishing putting the ornaments on the tree, we looked outside and realized it had started snowing. So we turned off all the house lights and sat around the tree while snow fell outside the window.

Getting in the Christmas Spirit

I awoke this morning to a knock on my bedroom door. It was Mom.

"Roby and I are going out to breakfast, and then we'll pick up a Christmas tree. You want to come?"

"Sure!" I replied. "I'll be up in a minute." I was pleasantly surprised that we were going to get a tree today.

Soon we were in the station wagon driving to a nearby town where there is a tree farm that lets you cut down your own tree. On the way we stopped at a small restaurant. To my delight, they had a breakfast buffet. I loaded up my plate with scrambled eggs, bacon, home-fries, and a small pancake with strawberries and real whipped cream. All that with a hot cup of coffee. It was delicious. After I was finished, I even went back for a piece of apple pie! I shouldn't have, but it was a small piece, and it was calling to me.

We left satisfied, and drove to the tree farm. It is a nice family run business, and the mother came over to tell us where to go for the trees. We grabbed a saw and a plastic sled and started stomping through the snow up a hill to a clearing where all the trees sat. Right away we found a full, round tree. We brushed off the snow to get a better look at it, and decided that we all liked it. After cutting it down, we plopped it onto the sled and pulled it down the hill.

Walking through the snow covered woods, smelling a freshly cut tree really put me in the Christmas spirit. I thought of my friend Andrew, who is also getting a tree today. He's really excited, and I hope everything goes well for him.

After tying down the tree, we went to a tent the owners had set up that had cookies and hot chocolate. We each had a cup and chatted with the workers.

We finished our hot chocolate and began our drive back home. The radio played Christmas songs the whole way.

Here is a picture of our tree on top of the station wagon. I'll take another picture when we get it up and all decorated.