Hopes and Burdens
I've been listening to some old mix tapes I made when I was in high school. They take me back to a different time in my life. A time when I was so sure of myself. I had a good group of friends nearby, a girlfriend, the soccer team. I was a leader in Boy Scouts, and a writer and editor for the school newspaper. But my nostalgia is tempered by the fact that I was also depressed and full of angst and anger toward what seemed to be an unjust society.
Since then I've had much happen that I would have never dreamed of. I moved out to California. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Had a few different girlfriends. Lived in Tijuana, Mexico for six months. Moved back to San Diego near the beach, made new friends and learned to surf. Eventually I had a psychotic episode, was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and ended up back in New Hampshire, living at home again. Life has come full circle, yet I am a much different person than I was back in high school.
There is little that I regret, yet much that I may never accomplish. I always assumed that I would have a successful career, buy a house, get married, and have two or three children. Over the past year I have come to terms with the fact that all this may not be in the cards for me. It no longer frustrates or angers me. Que sera, sera.
I do still have some hopes and dreams though. I still want to get married someday; I feel having a partner to share life's ups and downs with would eventually be important to me. Right now, however, I feel it is enough to sort out my own life, without dealing with someone else's psyche.
Also, I think that some sort of gratifying work would be good for me in the long term. Work seems to give people a sense of purpose and satisfaction.
But I am no longer jealous of my friends that have career track jobs with stock options and a 401K. That is great for them, but may never materialize for me. It is my own life, and I need to set my own goals and try not to compare myself to others.
We all have our own burdens to carry. And I must do the best I can with what I have been given.
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9 comments:
It is funny the dreams that we have, and then the reality that sets in as a result of our situations.
I know this may seem strange, but when I read this I thought of the musical "Wicked." It is the story of the Wicked Witch of the West in "Wizard of Oz" from her perspective. At the beginning of the musical, she feels as though she is unlimited and powerful. But in the last song she sings to Glinda:
"I'm limited
You can do all I couldn't do."
And I think of all the people who want to have the perfect jobs and have the perfect life with the perfect American dream, but I would rather live an honest life as a wicked witch than a glimmery life all about image like Glinda.
Thank you so much for blogging this. It really gives me hope.
Danny, Thank you for visiting. Your words mean a lot to me.
What a great post. Looking back on how we were can be sad and defeating. But you are looking forward with a clear plan, which is fantastic! You know I dated my hubby in high school and he made me a mixed tape which I still have. It makes him blush when I play it... hehehe
Take care and I pray this new year will be a year of healing and renewal for you!
I have been reading your blog now for a month or two and not commenting. I want to let you know how much I appreciate your blog. I understand that you have some struggles in your life, but what you blog is to me is a breath of fresh air, normal, calm, easing air. Thanks
I just started reading a book, Mike, called Wishcraft by Barbara Sher which is all about setting and achieving goals. In the introduction she says that winning is not about standing at the top of the heap, rather it's about living the life of your dreams. To win in life you don't need that career-track job with the fat salary; you need to live a life that makes you happy.
Wishing you much happiness in 2008, Mike!
Kelly Jene, that is great you still have a mix tape like that. It's fun to "look" back into the past with music, because it evokes emotions and memories from that time.
Thank you! I hope this new year is a wonderful one for you and your family.
Eric, Thank you for the encouraging comment, I'm happy that you enjoy my blog!
AmyPalko, that book sounds like a good one, I'll have to check it out. It is true- life is not about being better than anyone else, it is about finding your own way.
Much happiness to you as well!
Hey, do you follow politics at all?
I was just wondering what you think since you live in N.H. and you have a primary up there soon.
James, I've been following pretty closely the past couple weeks, since our primary is coming up. I got to see Obama speak a little while ago, and I have to say I am excited about him. He has a good chance of winning up here, and I would be happy to see it happen. This is the first election that I've ever been excited for. Thanks for visiting and all the comments!
Right on.
I'm all about Obama. It's time for a change and he's the candidate to do it. I'm excited to possibly make history as well.
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