The Holiday Season Continues...

We went to the Christmas party for Roby's side of the family last night, at his daughter Jackie's house. Roby has eight children, so with the wedding my family suddenly became much bigger, adding many step-brothers and sisters. It is funny to think of them that way, though, because most of them are much older than me. Roby is about fourteen years older than my Mom, resulting in a large gap between the age of their children.

At the party, David was talking about his plans for winter break, saying "No, I won't be working, but I'll be productive through..."

"Define productive," Mom said, giving him a hard time

"Well, I've been exercising, and I'm working on a business plan."

"So what you're saying," Jackie interjected playfully, "Is my fifteen year old son will be working more than you will during vacation?"

"Haha, yeah, I guess so."

They did not say anything to me, but I felt embarrassed about my own unemployment. Much of society's definition of a productive individual relies on gainful employment. At times, not having a job brings on feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps I am not pushing myself hard enough? Some of the symptoms of schizophrenia are lack of motivation, apathy, and social withdrawal. But how do I separate these symptoms from normal feelings of self doubt, fear and laziness? Since I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I have tried to take things slow, so I would not become overwhelmed. But have I let myself coast instead of climbing the path of recovery?

"So what do you plan on doing next summer?" Mom asked David.

"Well, I'm starting to apply to internships. I'm hoping to get one in Boston or New York."

Boston or New York... that's when I realized that David may not return home for the summer. Small pangs of sorrow rose in my chest. I will miss him if he doesn't come home after next semester.

The party continued, and overall it was pretty good. David and I hovered near the food tables and ate until we were stuffed. Roby's family members are all personable and friendly, so it is easy enough to get along with them. It was a good way for us to get to know our new side of the family better, even if I felt awkward and nervous at times.

The holiday season continues, with one more party down.