An Idealist Healer...

So for quite some time I've been contemplating what kind of career would be a good match for me. I thought about becoming a librarian, but realized that I did not really desire it strongly enough (especially to go through two to three years of schooling). So I put that thought on the back burner, and gradually it faded away.

I didn't have many ideas, so one day I found myself taking a personality test online. It told me I am an "Idealist Healer" (INFP) and many of the qualities it attributed to INFPs seemed right on. But what I was most interested in were the career recommendations for my personality type.

I browsed through them... sociology professor, psychologist, composer... and then I came to one that struck me: grant writer. Hmm. Worth looking into.

So I did. Turns out, grant writing (that is what it is called, but in actuality, it is grant proposal writing) requires creativity, organizational abilities and writing skills (check, check and check). So far so good. Also, grant writers usually work to secure grants for non-profit organizations, most of which support good causes. Because of this, many grant writers find the work very rewarding, as they help bring financial resources into the local community.

So I tucked the idea away, and continued to consider it from time to time.

Eventually, I found myself considering it more and more. I began looking up classes for grant writing in my area. Turns out, there is one offered next spring at a nearby college. Sign up is in December, and I hope to go through with it.

Then came a meeting at the Audubon Center where I volunteer. The organization (which is separate from the National Audubon) has come to a critical point financially. And guess what? They need people to help write grant proposals.

I offered to help out, and within a few days I was working on my first grant proposal! It seems like as soon as I was ready to further explore grant writing, the opportunity fell into my lap. I'm enjoying the process so far, and I've been very busy, between working on that and doing my normal volunteer work at the front desk for the Audubon Center.

I feel like I have a greater life purpose to work toward, and this is definitely helping me in my recovery from mental illness. I'm doing things that would have been out of reach a mere month or two ago. I can't help but see this as an instance when the Universe gave me exactly what I needed, at the moment I was ready for it. I feel grateful.



Happy Thanksgiving, all!

The Mind Wraps Itself Up...

The foliage has been beautiful this autumn. Oranges, yellows, and reds that clung to the trees for weeks, and are finally falling to the ground. Today the sun is shining, and the temperature is hovering around 50 degrees. I am remembering what I love about fall... the New Hampshire beauty, of course, but also, as the mercury drops, the bundling up with warm clothes, and curling up inside with a warm cup of tea. It is part of the cocooning process, getting ready for winter, and starting to shift inward as the boisterous summer heat recedes in memory. The mind wraps itself up in protective layers, readying itself for the long winter ahead.

And yet, as I become more comfortable socially (thanks in part to some med changes), I become more outgoing, start to shine a little brighter, as the sun follows a shallow path over the horizon, casting long shadows over the cool ground. Perhaps this winter the spark inside me will be bright enough to sustain me through the long, cold winter nights. I feel optimistic... maybe even resilient.

My spiritual search has waxed and waned over the past few months... right now I am in an upswing where I find myself reading spiritual literature, and contemplating the concepts I come across. I am considering how I can apply these spiritual tools to my life. Can I get in a meditation routine that will make me feel more connected and help with my anxiety? Will mindfulness of my feelings and thoughts allow me to overcome my negative eating habits? Can I change the way I relate to the world to give me more inner peace and calm?

One of the paradoxes of spiritual practice is that it can lead to greater self-acceptance, but also to inner transformation. There is a part of me that resists this truth. It seems to think that if I were to love myself fully for who I am right now, there would be no incentive to change negative habits and thought patterns. Yet if my inner critic were capable of changing the things it doesn't like by belittling me, these things would have changed long ago.

So is this a paradox, or are the two actually intertwined? I find I have trouble with both; perhaps greater self-acceptance would actually enable easier inner transformation. I've heard it said that to move forward, one must first accept where they stand. For some reason this rings true to me. Criticism directed toward myself is based in anger and frustration, and results in pain. How could this be effective or healthy?

Maybe it's time I give Mr. Critic a vacation and see what Love can do in his place.

How I Stay Motivated to Exercise

I've exercised each day for a week straight, and I feel motivated to continue. Doesn't sound like much, but this is a significant achievement for me. I've tried many times to start exercising, and each time I get derailed. What's different this time? A couple things.

First, I'm starting out slow. The first day I only exercised for 10 minutes. That's it. I went on the treadmill, and walked at a very comfortable speed, and when 10 minutes were up, I stopped. By the end of the week I was up to 18 minutes per day, still walking at a slow pace. I'm starting out this way because I intend to avoid getting sick. It has happened to me repeatedly -- I start an exercise program with vigorous enthusiasm, and within a couple days I'm run down and physically ill. Then I'm too sick to exercise, and the whole routine falls apart. I figure I can avoid this scenario by taking it easy and gradually increasing the time and difficulty of the workout. This strategy is also helping me develop positive associations with exercise: "Oh, I can do this. Just walk for a few minutes? No problem!"

Another important reason why I've been able to stick to exercising is because I've started listening to personal development podcasts and audio programs on my mp3 player as I exercise. The time goes by faster, and I'm exercising my mind along with my body. It also gives me inspiration, ideas, and new perspectives to help accomplish my health goals. I look forward to exercising because I know I'll have the opportunity to listen to interesting material. I do have to give Steve Pavlina (personal development blogger) some credit for this method, because I didn't consider listening to podcasts while I exercise until I read a post about his daily habits. Sure, it's a simple, rather obvious idea, but he spurred me to actually try it, and it has worked.

So it's simple, but this has worked for me for one week. And although that is a relatively short amount of time, I am one week closer to forming a habit that will serve me throughout my entire life.

A Serving of Healthy Habits, Please

Do you hear me universe? I said please!

Here's the deal. I'm 220 pounds. That's about 60 pounds more than my ideal weight. Over the past year, hell, over the past ten years, I've exercised sporadically, at best. For more than a year, I've been eating too much almost every day. My blood pressure is creeping up, probably because of the weight I've put on, my triglycerides are high, and my good cholesterol is too low. Did I mention I smoke cigarettes? So that's the reality check.

And why am I in this situation? Simplest answer: bad habits. Sure, there are reasons, some subconscious, behind these habits. But the fact is, these habits have to be replaced with healthy ones, pronto. Because the longer this continues, the worse things will get.

I think of habits in terms of a compass analogy. If you take a compass reading and are a couple degrees off, it doesn't seem like much. But walk a mile in that direction, and you will find yourself far from where you want to be.

So I've resolved to change course. To develop good habits. I've been exercising every day since Monday. I've been trying to eat right. It's been frustrating at times, but I feel OK about where I'm at. Spring is officially here today. Where I live, it will be a couple more weeks before we start getting actual Spring weather, but it is something I'm looking forward to. The more positive I stay, the greater chance I have of achieving my goals.

The ground is starting to show in the back yard, where the snow has melted. I can see the labyrinth again, and it looks solid and intact. I was a little worried about how it would fare throughout the winter, but it seems like the snow kept everything in place.

I think Spring is the perfect time to ditch old habits and form new ones. It is a time of rebirth and growth. So why not grow internally while the world outside does the same?

Let It Snow....

We had the first dusting of snow last week, and I shot a few photos. I thought I'd share some with you.

Here are the steps leading to the backyard.


Labyrinth with snow:


This is a Buddha statue that my mother bought this year for her garden.



And here are a few shots with the macro of snow on a plant that was still green.




We're actually having a big snow storm as I type. Inches and inches of snow. It's nice being inside with no place to go on a snowy night.

I'll take this chance to wish everyone a Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

The Labyrinth, Complete

Well...........it's done! Welcome to the labyrinth!

Getting Closer.....

I wanted to post an update on the labyrinth.

I've completed the work on all the circles. Now I just need to make the lines that cut through the circles to create the actual path that winds through to the center. The end is in sight!

My Blog's Namesake

While responding to forsythia's comment on the last post, I got to thinking about Kabir, the 15th century mystic poet from India. It amazes me that his verses have traveled through centuries, and over oceans to reach my eyes and tickle my spirit. I found the name for my blog in one of his poems. I'm going to reproduce the full poem here, for anyone who may want to read it:

Are you looking for me? I am in the next seat.
My shoulder is against yours.
you will not find me in the stupas, not in Indian shrine
rooms, nor in synagogues, nor in cathedrals:
not in masses, nor kirtans, not in legs winding
around your own neck, nor in eating nothing but vegetables.
When you really look for me, you will see me instantly —
you will find me in the tiniest house of time.
Kabir says: Student, tell me, what is God?
He is the breath inside the breath.

From: The Kabir Book: Forty-Four of the Ecstatic Poems of Kabir
by Robert W. Bly (Translator)

Hello!

Hello! I'm still alive! :)

I guess I've almost starved my blog to death. For some reason I just refuse to pull the plug completely, though. I want to at least post updates on the labyrinth through its completion.

And I'd like let people know how I've been doing! Things are starting to pick up a bit. I've made a new friend who also happens to have schizophrenia. It's nice having someone who can relate to the whole mental illness piece, but just as importantly I appreciate having someone to hang out with and go out to Indian and Thai restaurants with.

I also FINALLY got out and put in a volunteer application. Since the library never really panned out, I decided to volunteer at the local Audubon Society. It is an environmental organization that organizes nature programs for children, plans outings for adults, maintains walking trails, puts on seasonal events, and so on.

I talked to the volunteer coordinator, and she sounded excited to have a new volunteer. I'm going to be working in the visitor center, greeting guests and taking phone calls. I may even help write some press releases.

I'm pretty excited about it, and am relieved that I finally got out and took a step forward.

Anyway, so here are a few photos of the labyrinth, in progress:

This first one shows the perimeter of bricks that I dug into the ground.


This picture shows the brick circle filled with pebbles that form the base to walk on.

Now that the pebbles are down, I've been placing bigger rocks in the circle to create the paths of the labyrinth. I have a lot of it done, but I think I'll wait to post a photo.

I want to thank all of you for still stopping by from time to time. Maybe I should have just closed my blog when I stopped doing it daily, but personally, whenever a blog I read decides to call it quits, I always long for that occasional post to just know how that person is doing. So I guess that's what this blog has become for now.

Take care, everyone!

Building a Path to Walk On

Here is a picture of a large bare spot in our backyard, with a big pine tree in the middle.


We have been trying to figure out what to do with this area, as grass does not seem to be able to grow here.

After working through a few different ideas, I stumbled upon labyrinth designs. A labyrinth is a path that you walk on, eventually taking you to the center, then back out again. It is different from a maze, in that there are no wrong paths--just the one. They are often used for meditative and spiritual purposes.

One of the most famous labyrinths is the one at Chartres Cathedral in France, built around 1200:

So I decided to create a labyrinth, with the pine tree in the center. Obviously, because I have much less room to work with, the one in the backyard will be much smaller. I found a design, based on the one at Chartres, that will fit in the space I have to work with:

I'm going to cover the inside area with pebbles, then use bigger rocks to create the lines of the labyrinth. We found pebbles and rocks that would be appropriate at a local mulch/stone retailer. Also, I'm burying red bricks into the ground around the outside circle, leaving a little over an inch sticking up to hold the pebbles in place. So far I have almost one half of the circle of bricks done. After I finish with the bricks, we'll get the pebbles and distribute them around the circle.

I'm excited about this project. It will keep me busy and hopefully get me in better shape. And in the end, we'll be able to walk our very own backyard labyrinth.

Furled Ferns

I've been trying to get out and enjoy the beautiful weather we've been having lately--sunny, with temperatures in the mid-seventies. It reminds me of San Diego, where the weather stays like this all year long.

I took a walk around the pond that is a short drive from my house, and found some young ferns pushing up through the soil. These ferns fascinate me--the way they start as a white clump, and slowly unfurl their green leaves. If you look closely at the first photo, you can see the green hiding underneath the white knob at the top of the stem.




I hope everyone else is enjoying some nice spring weather.

The Hand That Feeds...

We have a small statue in our backyard that we put sunflower seeds in for the birds and squirrels. This morning as I sat outside I saw a chipmunk stuffing its cheeks full of seed:



In past years my mother has actually trained some of the chipmunks to eat out of her hand. She patiently waits with a peanut in the palm of her hand, and these cute little creatures will run up to her and grab the nut, stuff it in their cheeks, and scurry away.

Farewell Winter... Hello Spring

Finally, all the snow has melted in the backyard, except for this little patch that is still hanging in there. It will soon be reduced to a moist spot on the ground.

These are the first sprouts of green that are coming up in the garden. What a relief to see some fresh life poking through, and to have the temperatures consistently into the 60s this week.

Greener Pastures Lure Away Another Good Therapist

I saw Jeannine, my case manager/therapist yesterday. She informed me that she is leaving the Mental Health Center where I see her.

I'm disappointed to lose Jeannine. I think we were just getting to the point where she knew how to productively encourage me to branch out and grow more. It's always a little hard switching therapists, because you're not sure how well you will click with the new one, and of course you have to start from scratch, telling your life story and trying to get him or her up to speed. Jeannine was apologetic, and said that she knows that it is not good therapeutically for one patient to be bounced around from therapist to therapist.

I've been lucky to have two good therapists since I've been going to the Mental Health Center, but unfortunately they both ended up leaving about a year after I started seeing them. A year may seem like a long time, but in my experience in therapy, it really isn't.

I'm hopeful that my new one will be just as good--who knows, she or he may be even better for me, once we get settled in together.

A Quiet Weekend

I had a pretty quiet weekend. Mom and Roby went up to Maine for a few days, so I had plenty of time to myself.

I did go out Saturday night to play poker with some of my relatives at my cousin's house. I always enjoy playing poker. I ended up losing twelve dollars, but that still adds up to a pretty cheap night out.

I find that I'm still struggling with my eating habits. It is hard to sustain the amount of vigilance necessary to avoid overeating. If I eat something without being sufficiently hungry, my mind takes it as a cue for my psychological cravings to kick in. So when it comes to eating, I'm still having good days and bad days.

A Shift in Thinking

Yesterday I took a walk around the pond again. This time I went with my Mom. We saw the Blue Heron, which had been gone all winter. It was a nice day for a walk--temperatures in the 50's with the sun shining.

Thankfully, somehow my attitude seems to have shifted regarding my eating habits. On Monday and Tuesday, I did not overeat at all. This is the first time in months that I've refrained from eating too much for a full day. Wednesday, I ended up overeating, but Thursday I was back on track.

What caused this shift that had eluded me for a long time? Not sure, but it seemed to have started Monday morning, while I was smoking a cigarette. It occurred to me, "If I want to be healthy, be thin, I need to think like a thin person would. It is all in the mind. That is the only difference--the way we think, our attitude."

To be able to avoid overeating, and to be able to lose weight, I feel I need to accept my hunger as a natural sensation that I can be on friendly terms with. Otherwise, every time I feel the slightest hunger, I start eating. And once I start, it is hard to stop. I read on an overeater's website about the dilemma that overeaters find themselves in. Not to say that food addiction is any harder to stop than drugs or alcohol, but it is a unique situation, in that when one is addicted to drugs or alcohol, one can lock up the tiger (avoid drugs altogether), but "you can't stop eating food. So instead of caging up the tiger forever, it's a little like taking the tiger for a walk three times a day."

So later that day, somehow I found myself feeling differently towards my hunger. I made peace with it. I would rather be hungry than full of unnecessary food and dealing with the psychological burden that comes with it. I didn't allow myself to eat anything when I became hungry (except for the three meals, of course), because I knew it would lead me to eating too much.

But the next day, I found I was able to eat a small amount of food when hungry, without eating too much. It helps if I have a healthy snack, like fruit or yogurt. If I start in on the pretzels (carbs), it's all over.

So by some grace, I have started winning some battles against food. The war is not over yet--I still have psychological cravings--but I've begun to overcome. And I feel good about it. Somehow, the hunger in the pit of my stomach makes me feel a little more alive. Weird, huh?

Is It Spring Yet?

I took this picture yesterday during our Spring snowstorm.

Walk Towards Recovery

I took a walk yesterday on a trail that goes around a nearby pond. It was still mostly frozen over, with snow covering the ice. The wide open areas of snow in these photos are where the frozen pond is.




It felt good to get out and take a walk. The temperature was up into the mid-fifties, making it feel a little like spring, even if it still doesn't look like it.

Taking walks is part of my plan to get out of the house and do more. I met with my councilor, Jeannine, last week, and she encouraged me to exercise at least twice a week to start.

She also suggested that I keep track of my food intake throughout the day, so I started writing in my journal exactly what I'm eating, and what I'm thinking and doing right before I eat. Hopefully some patterns will show up.

Jeannine also discussed with me the importance of getting out and meeting like-minded people, perhaps by attending some spiritual or meditation groups. I read a lot of spiritual writing, but it isn't quite the same as being part of a spiritual community. So I think I may check out a group that meets once a month and discusses spiritual topics, not too far from where I live. It is open to anyone, and from what I can tell from their website, I would find the discussions interesting and insightful.

I also met with my psychiatrist, Dr. L, last week. We decided to raise my Abilify medication to 15mg, up from 10. We're doing this to see if it helps with my motivation difficulties and ability to get out and do more. I'm glad that we are making the adjustment. Dr. L. is always willing to reevaluate the meds and change things until she feels it is the best dose and drug for my current situation. It could take a while before I notice much difference.... until then, I'll keep walking, and do the best that I can.

Baking Brothers

David was home last weekend for the beginning of spring break. After staying through the weekend, he left on Tuesday to go down to Florida with his girlfriend, where her family is renting a house for a couple weeks. He wanted to bring a small token of his appreciation for having him, so he decided to make cookies, which I helped him make.

First we made orange zest snowball cookies with grated coconut topping. We quickly learned that making cookies takes more time than we assumed! But when you pop them in your mouth, it is all worth it.

The next cookies we made (one of my personal favorites) were peanut butter cookies with a chocolate kiss pressed in the top of each one. I took the above photo while the cookies were cooling. One of the benefits of making cookies yourself is that you get to eat them while the chocolate is still soft. They were delicious!

I was busy with an appointment the next day when David made the final batch: chocolate chip walnut cookies.

I rarely bake, but it was a good experience, and especially enjoyable doing it with my brother.

Thoughts on Spirituality

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. It was encouraging and reinforced my belief in the importance of a spiritual path. I appreciate each of you sharing your own personal experiences with spirituality, and I found myself relating to what each of you said.

It made it more obvious to me how many different ways of walking the divine path there are, and how each of us needs to find our own way.

I started to respond to the comments, discussing my spirituality, and soon I had written so much that I decided to turn it into a full entry.

I have read about many different belief systems, and I find all of them to have valuable insights and methods. And so I try to take what I can from each one.

I believe that there is power in asking for help with difficulties through prayer. This is why I pray. I’m not sure who intercepts and responds to my prayers and intentions, be it my angels, spirit guides, Jesus, God Himself, or the Universe.... but I believe some entity or energy out there has power to affect our life for the positive.

I also believe in a spirit world (heaven?) that is inhabited by angels, spirit guides, ascended masters, and souls that have completed their latest life on earth. It seems that certain people, such as shamans and psychic mediums can have direct contact with this world. Since I feel that I’ve been having spiritual difficulties, I thought I would first go to a spiritual healer, and that is why I chose to see a shaman.

While going to outside sources may be effective, I know that any true healing is going to happen from within. Since most shamans do see themselves as only facilitators for a natural healing process, I thought it would be a good place to start, to see if I needed to heal in certain ways that would help me progress further in my spiritual path.

I believe to find inner peace and joy, one must look within and find one's true self, which will be realized as one with the universe. Duality and the ego subside, and non-dual truth, peace, joy and love remain as one dwells in the true, original state. In addition to believing in the human potential to experience the divine, I believe that we have the capability to incorporate this experience into our lives, and live in harmony with the world.

This is one of the reasons I meditate: to look within, and attempt to know myself. I also do it to feel more centered, calm, and connected.

While I feel that my highest goal spiritually is to know my true self, beyond ego, beyond conditioning, beyond false concepts of self, I think that I can take steps along the way, becoming more loving and compassionate.

I guess this is where appreciating the journey comes in. I have to find contentment in the place that I’m at. I have to do my best to find love and express it through my life. Step by step, I must continue to search, with faith that I will find a path that will take me closer to the truth, to God. And in the meantime, learn to focus on the moment, and absorb the beauty of the present.

Reaching out for Healing

I was thinking of taking a break from blogging, and looking back on February, I guess that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I should have stated that I was taking a break, out of respect for those of you who read my blog, and I am sorry for not doing so.

I've been plodding along without much changing in my life. I'm still dealing with a lack of motivation, and for the time being I have shelved any plans for school, volunteering, or work. Maybe I'm just not ready yet.

I still can't stop overeating, and I'm gaining more and more weight. I need to get back to my self-hypnosis and see if that will have an effect on it. My problem with this approach is that I sense that the compulsion to overeat is just a symptom of deeper issues, beyond my conscious mind, perhaps beyond my subconscious mind, reaching into the spiritual health at the core of my being.

Sometimes I feel like I need healing on that spiritual level. If I were able to heal on this level, I feel that my psychological difficulties would be resolved.

So who does one go to for spiritual healing? Seeing the psychic helped me realize I may need this, but it is not really their specialty. Psychologists are good..... but it's not quite the system that could heal me on the level that I feel I need. Maybe a priest, but I left behind my Catholic upbringing during my teen years. So where does this leave me?

Well, about the same time that I started having a sense that I may need to heal my spirit, I started reading about shamanism. And it turns out, that's what they do: heal people spiritually. Here is a good site that describes shamanism.

And I happened to find a shaman who has a blog that describes his work, and who happens to live in New Hampshire. From reading his writing, he appeared to have very noble, compassionate intentions, genuinely wanting to help people.

I felt slightly indecisive about it, and put it out there for the universe to give me a sign. And that night I had vivid dreams that strongly pointed towards contacting him.

So I did.

I sent him an email, and without being too specific, told him that I felt I was suffering from some sort of spiritual sickness.

He wrote me back, and said that he would take a shamanic journey for me, then write back with the details. A journey is the method shamans use to contact the spirit world to help bring about positive effects in the life of those affected. To journey, he lays down with a drum track playing that takes him into a sort of trance, and from there interacts with the spirit world.

He wrote me back within a few days, and said that indeed, I did need spiritual healing. He described the whole journey, which is full of symbolism intended for me to interpret (similar to dream interpretation). He then described a ritual for me to perform to aid in my spiritual healing.

I performed the ritual, and felt calm and peaceful while doing it.

However, I don't think I've experienced much change in the way I feel since performing it.

I'm going to write him back soon, and give him my interpretation of the journey, and tell him how I feel.

I'm going to attempt to blog more regularly. I sometimes find it difficult to blog when I'm feeling this way, because I feel less motivated, and I also don't want my blog to become overly negative. But I am going to try to get back to posting more often. I thank all of you who continue to stop by, and I apologize for the neglect on my part.

Crystals on Cement

I was walking out to my little room to have a cigarette the other day, and I noticed that some of the rain water that had come into the garage was starting to freeze and crystallize. I had never seen crystals like this on cement; it was like frost on a window, only the patterns were much bigger. So I grabbed a camera and took some photographs. I included a quarter in one of the photos, to give a sense of proportion.

This one shows some of the circular crystals that formed:

Seeing water crystals always amazes me. I marvel at nature's ability to produce such beauty.

Another Step on the Spiritual Path

I apologize for the lack of entries lately. I've been confused and contemplative, and not really on "output" mode.

I went to see a psychic for the first time on Thursday.

I understand that there are many people who dismiss the notion of psychic abilities; just one year ago I was one of them. However, over the past year my views gradually shifted after reading about seemingly credible experiences or descriptions of psychic phenomena. I was really curious, and figured this would be a good time to give a psychic a chance, and see what would come of it.

Since she is also a medium, she is able to contact people who have died, and also our spirit guides.

We sat down, and she said that my father was coming through. Then, right away she said, "Who is David?"

I raised my eyebrows and said, "That's my brother."

She said that my father was acknowledging him, and saying that David had a pain in his right leg, perhaps a pulled thigh muscle. I have not spoken to David since the reading, so I have not yet verified that.

I am not going to attempt to convince any skeptics of my experience. But the mention of my brother was the first of a few instances that she showed her abilities as a psychic medium.

I felt it to be a valid experience with a medium that allowed me to communicate with my father and my spirit guides. The next day I was feeling pretty good, and I realized it was not only the details of the experience that mattered to me... it was having somebody acknowledge me as a spiritual being... which has not happened in a long, long time. I felt more spiritual worth, more connected to my spiritual self.

By Saturday some of these feelings had worn off, and I experienced a sort of spiritual hangover. I felt my disconnect from spirit more acutely, as I now knew what was missing.

The whole experience has left me with a longing to be more connected to my higher, spiritual self.

I am aware that this whole post may seem "out there" to many people. Yet this experience was meaningful for me, and I wanted to write about it.

Without a Compass

I've been in a weird funk the past few days. My indecision is affecting me. I feel I am mentally well enough to go out and do something, but I'm not sure what that should be. Should I volunteer? Try to get a job? Apply to schools for library science?

Life within my little bubble is pretty comfortable right now and it is hard for me to press forward and reach toward new activities. But I am feeling society's pull, and it is leaving me anxious and unsettled.

I still have not heard from the library about my volunteer application I submitted. I was hoping they would call and I'd be forced to go in for the interview. But they haven't. And I haven't convinced myself to call them and follow up on it.

I'm not depressed, I just feel lost.

Time to Myself

Mom and Roby are spending time up north in a condo that their friends let them use for the weekend. They left Friday morning, and I awoke yesterday to a quiet, empty house.

It has been relaxing having all this time to myself. I've been reading a lot, and continuing to experiment with self-hypnosis techniques.

Yesterday I made a trip downtown to check out the used-bookstore. They have a pretty good selection of used books, but nothing jumped out at me, and I left empty-handed. It is just as well, as I have enough online reading to explore to keep me busy.

Dropping and Forming Beliefs

I've been hanging out at Steve Pavlina's Personal Development website a lot lately. Steve's blog is wildly popular, and for good reason. He writes about personal development in a very interesting way.

I've been focusing on his writing on empowering beliefs. He views beliefs as a lens through which we see the world. Some beliefs are empowering and help us move toward our goals, some are not. He asserts that if a belief does not serve you, you should drop it and install a new belief to replace it. The more accurate and effective the belief, the more empowering it will be. Steve gives eight guidelines to choosing effective beliefs.

This led me to examine my own beliefs. Which of my beliefs are holding me back? Being as honest as possible with myself, I wrote a list of limiting beliefs. Here are a few I came up with:

I often believe that I should do things perfectly.

I believe that the game of life (working, socializing, etc.) is a struggle.

I believe social interaction (especially with people I don't know too well) is difficult and uncomfortable.

You can probably see how these beliefs would affect my actions. I am hesitant to do many things, because I'm afraid of making mistakes, and I expect them to be a struggle.

I gave it some thought and came up with counter-beliefs:

I believe nobody is perfect, and there is no such thing as perfection.

I believe that the game of life is often pleasurable.

I believe that it is usually enjoyable to engage in social interaction.

If I adopted these new views my assumptions would be completely different going into certain situations, and as a result I'm sure the outcomes would change as well.

I picked up many beliefs during childhood, and through my life experiences. Many of them have never been examined. Why be stuck with default beliefs when I could choose the ones that are most empowering for me? I think this is a wonderful concept.

LOL... it seems like every other day I latch onto some new personal development idea. I get excited thinking about different ways to better myself... actually integrating them into my life is the challenge.

A Foray into Self-Hypnosis

I've been reading the book on self-hypnosis I purchased, called The Secrets of Self-Hypnosis. The author, Adam Eason, discusses how to prepare for hypnosis, various methods of induction (creating a hypnotic state), and ways to write effective hypnotic suggestions.

In preparing for a hypnotic session, he recommends that you practice deep breathing, quiet your internal monologue, relax, and "engage in the moment." He draws upon Eastern traditions for these techniques, briefly discussing the method of breathing into the Hara (a region just below and behind the bellybutton), and outlining the benefits of what is known in Buddhism as mindfulness.

After explaining various ways of induction, he instructs the reader to practice entering a hypnotic trance state. This is the point I am at in the book. There is no need to deliver suggestions during these sessions; instead, at this stage, one is supposed to just experiment with the various ways of induction and develop a feel for the hypnotic state.

So I spent the time recording one of the given scripts that is supposed to induce hypnosis. After sitting and listening to it, I realized that I had read the script too quickly and unevenly to achieve the desired effect.

I recorded another, longer script, and read it softly and slowly.

With the new tape prepared, I lit a couple candles in my bedroom to provide a soft source of light, sat down in my comfortable chair, and closed my eyes. I focused on breathing slowly and being in the moment. Once I was physically relaxed, I turned on the tape and listened to my voice taking me through a beautiful garden while instructing me to relax further and further. It was a pleasant, calming experience. My body felt heavy and relaxed, and my internal monologue seemed to quiet down as I focused on my visualizations.

After mentally spending a while in this beautiful garden, the voice on the tape counted to five and I opened my eyes.

I don't know how deeply I was hypnotized, since this was my first time, and I have nothing to compare it to. However, I would say I was in some sort of trance state.

It was enjoyable, and I look forward to trying it again.

I am also becoming excited about the prospect of being able to make changes in my life. I am imagining being able to instruct my subconscious mind to grow in the ways I would like. It would be empowering. I don't want to get ahead of myself and get my hopes up too much, but I believe that positive expectations can only help the outcome of my experiences with hypnosis.

Trip to the Mental Health Center

Earlier today I was sitting in the waiting room of the mental health center. My psychiatrist came to get me, and brought me back to her office. We sat down, and she poured over my file with a serious demeanor, trying to determine the best treatment options for me. After discussing how I've been doing, we decided to stick with the Abilify and Wellbutrin, as they seem to be working well for me.

"Do you feel like your old self again?" she asked. "Or do you still feel different from before the episode?"

"I still feel kinda different."

"How so?" she inquired further.

"Hmmm..." I had to think about it. "I don't have the confidence that I used to... the confidence socially, and the confidence to get things done. I'm still not as active, and don't feel as motivated as before. I used to just go out and do things."

"That can be a symptom of the illness- not being as motivated." she replied. "Although you don't feel as motivated, you have still done some things, like take the GRE and submit a volunteer application. Hopefully you will build upon these things, and gain some momentum."

I like Dr. L. She takes her job seriously, and gives me the attention and time necessary to work out the best treatment plan. I can be honest with her, and I feel she respects me as an individual who is able to make his own decisions. She works with me, instead of simply dictating what medication I will take. I know this is not always the case with psychiatrists, and I value the relationship we have.

The Silence of Stigma

I was having a conversation with David yesterday, and he mentioned that he had been reading about schizophrenia. He said, "I read that one percent of America's population has schizophrenia?"

"That's the statistic that I always hear," I replied.

"That sounds like a high number!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, it's amazing that that many people have schizophrenia, and you never hear about it."

I explained that, in comparison, about one in six-hundred people have Crohn's disease. Yet when I tell people I have Crohn's disease, I'm always hearing that they know someone with the disease.

I continued, "It shows how little people talk about schizophrenia, because of the risk of stigma. If people were able to about it openly, everyone would realize that they know someone with the condition, and people would understand it better."

This evening David left to drive down to his girlfriend's house to celebrate her birthday. He will go straight back to college after that.

After he had left, I said to Mom, "It was nice having David home for winter break."

"Yeah, it was," she replied. "You must really miss him when he leaves. He's your peer, you have a lot to talk about and share."

"I do miss him when he goes."

I feel sad that he won't be around the house to laugh with and talk to. Still, I'm happy to see him return to his college life with all his friends, where he is building his future.

A Book-Filled Day

This afternoon I went out to the mailbox to retrieve the mail. Although I had just placed a book order Sunday night, I was hoping that it would have arrived already. I peered in the mailbox, and there it was, a brown envelope addressed to me. I grabbed it, along with the other mail, and scurried back inside the warm house.

Now, getting mail is always cool, and new books always excite me... but put the two together, and it puts a big grin on my face. I love receiving books in the mail. I cut the envelope open, reached inside, and took out my new book on self-hypnosis.

Not long after, I took a ride with David to Barnes and Noble, so he could pick up a cookbook to give to his girlfriend for her birthday (along with a couple other books he has already purchased).

As we looked through cookbooks, I thought back to my experiences with cooking. I made my best dishes when I lived with my then girlfriend Robyn. We were both cooking novices, and I was so excited to learn how to combine different ingredients with various spices. We worked as a team, preparing the food and cooking it, and learning as we went along. We made some delicious dishes, and always enjoyed the process.

When later on I was living alone, I resorted to fast food and taco shops. It just wasn't the same cooking alone, without Robyn.

After some time, David chose a book. He actually ended up buying the first book we looked at, after considering a few others. It was a "quick and healthy" cookbook, with info boxes giving tips on cooking with specific foods. I think it was a good choice for his girlfriend, who will soon be setting out on her own.

When we returned home, supper was almost ready. It wasn't until after dinner that I was able to start reading my new book. I have only had the chance to read the first couple chapters, but it looks like it will be what I was looking for. To derive the maximum benefit from the book, the author explicitly instructs the reader to read the book in order. Of course I want to skip ahead and flip through it haphazardly, but I'll be a good little self-hypnotist-in-training and do as he says! I'm looking forward to reading more.

A New Idea for Growth

Every couple of months I latch onto some idea for personal or spiritual growth, and search for information on the topic. I scour the internet, I pick up a couple books, and I read, read, read. I admit that there are problems with this approach, but regardless, it is my attempt to better myself.

My latest interest is self-hypnosis. I've been reading about it online, and its proponents say that hypnosis allows you to affect your subconscious mind in a way that can eliminate bad habits and undesirable ways of thinking or feeling. What if I was able to stop overeating? Be more confident? Be more relaxed in social situations?

Apparently real hypnosis has little to do with making people do silly things. It is not supernatural. It is simply a trance state that one actually slips into naturally throughout the day- for example, when you are driving on the highway and zone out and miss an exit, when you daydream, and when you are engrossed in a good novel. In this state of increased concentration, the subconscious becomes more open to suggestion.

It seems like a powerful tool for self-improvement. I don't think it will solve all my problems, but at the very least it sounds like an effective method for deep relaxation. So I will investigate further. Maybe it will not pan out, I’ll become bored or disillusioned, and my latest plan will fall by the wayside. Or maybe it will have a profound impact on my life. Usually this type of thing falls in the middle, and has an effect on me, but is not as far-reaching as expected. I shall see...

A Tasty Breakfast

This morning Roby, Mom, David and I went out to breakfast at Roby's favorite breakfast place. It is a small, cozy little restaurant that actually more resembles a coffee shop. On the walls hang paintings by different artists, some oil, some watercolor. The floors, tables and chairs are all wooden, and there is a big counter facing the entrance with a glass display of various delicious-looking baked goods. Behind the counter is an area where all the food is cooked. The owner, who appears to be late twenties/early thirties, cooks, rings up checks, buses tables, and even takes orders when it isn't too busy. I'm amazed at what she pulls off. At one point David dropped a fork, and she heard it fall from behind a corner and called over, "Need a new fork?"

"Yes, please," David replied.

"How did she know it was a fork? I wonder if she can tell by the sound?" I said.

"Maybe that's part of the training," David joked.

Roby and I both ordered the apple crisp French toast that comes with a side of cheesy scrambled eggs. The French toast is covered with cooked apples with granola sprinkled over them, topped with whipped cream and syrup. David and Mom had poached eggs laid on top of spinach, tomato, and English muffin, with potatoes on the side. The food was fabulous. I look forward to going there again.

Spring in January

It is a beautiful day today! The temperature is approaching sixty degrees, giving us a pleasant respite from winter. It is funny, because although it feels like spring, there is still nearly two feet of snow on the ground that has not melted yet.

A Vote, and to the Library

David and I went out to the polling station today and cast our vote for the New Hampshire primary. It is an exciting race, and right now I'm sitting in front of the TV watching the results slowly tallied from the precincts across the state.

After voting, we stopped by the library. I walked up the concrete steps, through the heavy wooden doors, and approached the reference desk.

The librarian behind the desk looked up and asked me, "Can I help you?"

"I'd like to drop off this volunteer application form for the volunteer coordinator," I said.

"OK," she replied, "I'll make sure she gets it."

I thanked her, smiled, and walked away. When I climbed back in the car, where David was waiting, David asked, "Everything taken care of?"

"Well, the volunteer coordinator told me to drop off the application at the reference desk, and now I just need to wait for her to give me a call. Then I'll go in for an interview."

I felt good about turning in the application. I am a little nervous about the interview, but I will deal with that when it comes.

A Wish for Clarity

Every year on Dad's birthday, Mom would make an icebox cake. So in honor of what would have been my father's 64th birthday today, my mother made one that we ate this afternoon. I believe there are many variations of icebox cake, but the recipe that my father taught to my mother consists of layers of graham cracker, banana, and chocolate pudding, all repeated, and stacked within a baking dish. It is not cooked, but refrigerated (hence the name). It is simple but good.

One of my friends from high school who lives in Boston is applying to graduate programs in Library Science. She knew I was considering doing the same, and emailed and asked me where I was in the application process. I wrote her back a rambling email about how I'm still feeling indecisive about whether I want to be a librarian or not.

How does one really know what career they want? In college I quixotically wanted to be a poet; I never actually knew what job I desired, aside from teaching poetry at a university. Since then I have decided that I am not cut out for the competitive literary and scholarly world. Maybe I should not be focusing on a career at the moment, considering I have not even gone back to work in any capacity as of yet.

Still, a library career is appealing. I would be surrounded by books and learning all day, helping people find information. It seems like a job without too much stress, which is important because I'm not sure how much stress I will be able to handle on a job.

I wish I had some clarity. I guess I just need to take things one step at a time, and see where it takes me. Tomorrow I'll finish filling out the volunteer application. One step at a time...

Alternatives

As I smoked my first cigarette of the morning, I realized how negative I felt. I did not accomplish much yesterday, and the resulting feelings of discouragement had carried over into today. I felt stuck.

Be positive, I said to myself. It is all in the mind. After taking an inventory of things that I am grateful for, I asked myself: What can I do to make today a positive experience?

I was able to come up with a few options:

• Watch The Secret. Many of you are probably familiar with this documentary-style video. It is based on the "Law of Attraction," which asserts that whatever one thinks and feels will be attracted to them. Although I may not completely agree with it, I see it as an affirmation of the power of the mind and it encourages me to stay positive.
  
• Do some creative writing.
  
• Complete a couple tasks on the to-do list.
• Meditate.
• Read spiritual literature.

After brainstorming these ideas, my attitude had improved. If I follow through with some of these choices, today should be a good day. I just have to remember that there are always alternatives to wallowing in negativity.

A Toasty Little Room

Simple Goals

This morning I set two simple goals for the day: meditate, and make a To Do List. I figured this would be a good way to ease myself into the post-holiday world, and lay the groundwork for getting into a better routine.

By eight p.m., I still had not done either. But finally I felt a surge of motivation, and decided that I still had plenty of time to accomplish both tasks. I went up to my room, sat down, set my timer, closed my eyes, and meditated for twenty minutes.

When the timer went off, I opened my eyes, feeling a little more centered. I've been practicing meditation since last February, except for a gap over the past month. I'd like to take it up again, and this was a good first step.

Then I came downstairs and made a list of things I need to do, and a list of goals for my daily routine, such as exercise and meditation. I circled the tasks that I would like to accomplish tomorrow.

Although they were rather simple, I still felt good about achieving my modest goals for the day.

Where My Dreams May Lead...

We had a poker game to celebrate last night. After all my relatives had left, I laid down on the couch at two a.m., and soon drifted off to sleep.

In my first dream of the new year, I was spending time with an old high school friend. In the dream, we felt great affection for each other, and we started kissing passionately- the kind of kisses that take your breath away.

As I started to wake up, I felt sad to leave her lips and the deep feelings of affection I had for her.

Wow, I thought, it has been a long time since I've been in the arms of a woman...

I felt part of me reawakening...

I felt a longing for the companionship of another...

I felt good, but lonely...

I started to evaluate my life.

I have made progress over the last year. No longer do I lay on the couch all day. I am more talkative, more engaged. But what lies beyond my small circle of comfort?

Nascent thoughts began to form in my mind: maybe it is time to step beyond myself... to push myself further out into the game of life. A job. An apartment. A girlfriend. For a long time it was too overwhelming to even consider striving for these goals. And in a way, it still is. But now I am almost able to desire these things, to imagine myself attaining them.

All this stirred up by the lips of a woman in a dream. It was more than a kiss, though. To me, it was a symbol of stepping back into the flow of life. My subconscious saying, don't forget what is out there... don't forget what possibilities life holds.

Self-portait

I thought I would start off 2008 with a couple snapshot self-portaits. Here's to a new year of possibilities...

Morning Therapy

I woke up to my alarm at 8:30 this morning, rolled out of bed and went downstairs to make some coffee. After eating breakfast, I drove through snow-covered roads to the mental health center. I checked in, waited for a few minutes, then my therapist Jeannine came and brought me back to her office.

We talked about what has been happening in my life.

"How is the librarian stuff going?" she asked.

"OK. I should start looking at schools soon. I'm still a bit ambivalent about it though. Looking ahead at the coming year, I think I may want to start working at some point, and I don't know if I'll need to go through an adjustment period before I start taking classes as well."

"That makes sense. Have you inquired about volunteering yet?"

"Yes! I finally called and talked to the volunteer coordinator."

"Good for you, Mike!"

"Thanks. I picked up a volunteer application and now I need to fill it out and return it."

"So this is still something that you want to do?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm not exactly looking forward to it intensely, but I think it will be good for me to get out and have more of a routine. Plus it will be a step toward getting back to work."

Later she asked, "How is the overeating going?"

"Ummm, not so good."

"Has it decreased at all?"

"No, not really."

"Do you have a sense of what is causing it?"

"I'm not sure. Sometimes it may be stress, but other times it just seems like a habit."

"I think that you need to come up with a plan," she said, "something that you do whenever you get cravings. Tell yourself that you will do it, say, three times. You may still end up overeating, but you will begin forming good habits as well. Also, some people find that if they get in a good routine, their overeating decreases. Perhaps volunteering will do that for you."

"I hope so." I replied. "I do feel like I have excess mental and physical energy that may make my cravings more intense. Being busier may improve things."

Soon time was up, and we scheduled an appointment for next month.

Now that I'm home, I need to clean the bathroom, because we are having relatives over for a New Year's Eve poker game.

I want to wish everyone a wonderful night, and a new year full of hope and promise.

Hopes and Burdens

I've been listening to some old mix tapes I made when I was in high school. They take me back to a different time in my life. A time when I was so sure of myself. I had a good group of friends nearby, a girlfriend, the soccer team. I was a leader in Boy Scouts, and a writer and editor for the school newspaper. But my nostalgia is tempered by the fact that I was also depressed and full of angst and anger toward what seemed to be an unjust society.

Since then I've had much happen that I would have never dreamed of. I moved out to California. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Had a few different girlfriends. Lived in Tijuana, Mexico for six months. Moved back to San Diego near the beach, made new friends and learned to surf. Eventually I had a psychotic episode, was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and ended up back in New Hampshire, living at home again. Life has come full circle, yet I am a much different person than I was back in high school.

There is little that I regret, yet much that I may never accomplish. I always assumed that I would have a successful career, buy a house, get married, and have two or three children. Over the past year I have come to terms with the fact that all this may not be in the cards for me. It no longer frustrates or angers me. Que sera, sera.

I do still have some hopes and dreams though. I still want to get married someday; I feel having a partner to share life's ups and downs with would eventually be important to me. Right now, however, I feel it is enough to sort out my own life, without dealing with someone else's psyche.

Also, I think that some sort of gratifying work would be good for me in the long term. Work seems to give people a sense of purpose and satisfaction.

But I am no longer jealous of my friends that have career track jobs with stock options and a 401K. That is great for them, but may never materialize for me. It is my own life, and I need to set my own goals and try not to compare myself to others.

We all have our own burdens to carry. And I must do the best I can with what I have been given.

Christmas Day

We woke up Christmas morning, and gathered around the tree to open gifts. "Why don't you pass out the presents, like Dad used to do," my mother asked me. I agreed and got down on my knees to reach under the tree. We opened gifts, and afterwards had a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, potatoes, coffee and orange juice. It was a pleasant morning.

After breakfast we drove down to Cromwell, Connecticut where my grandmother lives. She was having the annual Christmas dinner with all my aunts and uncles and cousins on my father's side. It was nice seeing everyone. A couple of my cousins just had babies in November, so there were a couple new babies around for us to dote over. It was my cousin Eric's first child, and he cradled his son with the proud smile of a new father.

Before eating, we always pass out small glasses of Asti, an Italian sparkling wine, and somebody gives a toast. David was asked to speak this year, and we all crowded into the living room, holding champagne glasses, listening to his words. He started, "First of all, I want to remember Grandpa and my father, who will always be with us in spirit." Continuing, he congratulated the parents of the new babies, and Mom and Roby for their marriage. Then he thanked Grandma for having the party and staying strong all these years. His delivery was great, and the content was moving. When he finished, we all clinked glasses together, wishing each other a Merry Christmas.

The food was delicious, especially the much anticipated lasagna. My Italian grandmother has made it for years, and recently she passed down the recipe to her daughter Dianna; now they make it together. Aunt Dianna said that she went to three different specialty shops to get all the sausage, ground beef, noodles, and fresh ricotta cheese. It was perfect.

After dinner many of us fell asleep in the living room, despite drinking my grandmother's strong coffee that she always brews. The smell of coffee will always remind me of her house.

Overall I was able to handle the socializing and activity pretty well. I went upstairs to the guest bedroom to take a couple breaks, and once in a while sneaked outside for some fresh air and a cigarette. Eventually people started leaving, giving everyone big hugs and well wishes.

Later David and I were sitting alone with Grandma in the living room. She said, "Roby seems like a really nice guy. I'm glad to see your mother has found someone she is happy with." I was relieved to hear these words, because we were a little worried about how Grandma was handling my mother's remarriage. I think it was hard for her, because it was a strong reminder that her son is no longer with us.

Soon we all went to bed, content with a nice Christmas celebration.

Merry Christmas!

Wow, I've been really busy. John came in from New York City yesterday, so I've been hanging out with him and David. John needed to finish his shopping today, so we went out with him. I made a pot of chili tonight for a party I'm going to on Wednesday. Also, I helped David make sugar cookies. I just finished wrapping presents, and now I need to clean up the kitchen and go to bed. Despite all the activity, I've been holding up pretty well. I may not be around much for a couple days, because we're going down to Connecticut to visit my relatives tomorrow.

I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. May all of you have a safe, wonderful day!

The Holiday Season Continues...

We went to the Christmas party for Roby's side of the family last night, at his daughter Jackie's house. Roby has eight children, so with the wedding my family suddenly became much bigger, adding many step-brothers and sisters. It is funny to think of them that way, though, because most of them are much older than me. Roby is about fourteen years older than my Mom, resulting in a large gap between the age of their children.

At the party, David was talking about his plans for winter break, saying "No, I won't be working, but I'll be productive through..."

"Define productive," Mom said, giving him a hard time

"Well, I've been exercising, and I'm working on a business plan."

"So what you're saying," Jackie interjected playfully, "Is my fifteen year old son will be working more than you will during vacation?"

"Haha, yeah, I guess so."

They did not say anything to me, but I felt embarrassed about my own unemployment. Much of society's definition of a productive individual relies on gainful employment. At times, not having a job brings on feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps I am not pushing myself hard enough? Some of the symptoms of schizophrenia are lack of motivation, apathy, and social withdrawal. But how do I separate these symptoms from normal feelings of self doubt, fear and laziness? Since I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I have tried to take things slow, so I would not become overwhelmed. But have I let myself coast instead of climbing the path of recovery?

"So what do you plan on doing next summer?" Mom asked David.

"Well, I'm starting to apply to internships. I'm hoping to get one in Boston or New York."

Boston or New York... that's when I realized that David may not return home for the summer. Small pangs of sorrow rose in my chest. I will miss him if he doesn't come home after next semester.

The party continued, and overall it was pretty good. David and I hovered near the food tables and ate until we were stuffed. Roby's family members are all personable and friendly, so it is easy enough to get along with them. It was a good way for us to get to know our new side of the family better, even if I felt awkward and nervous at times.

The holiday season continues, with one more party down.

The Never Ending Parking Lot

David and I went to the mall today to finish up our Christmas shopping. We expected the mall would be busy because it is so close to Christmas. The mall is surrounded by parking lots on all sides, and when we arrived, we encountered a good amount of traffic coming and going through the lots.

It did not take us very long to complete our shopping. Soon we were getting back into the car, ready to go.

We started off slow, because it was bumper to bumper traffic traveling on the road that brings you around the whole mall. Soon we went from moving slowly to a dead stop. Literally, we would move one car length, then wait five to ten minutes to move another car length.

After about an hour, I left David with the car and went back into the mall to buy some soda and snacks. When I returned, David had hardly moved.

About a half hour later, I asked David, "How many miles per hour do you think we're averaging?"

"I don't know... how far do you think we've gone? Maybe five or six hundred feet?"

"Six hundred sounds about right."

"Well, we don't have anything better to do," David said, pulling out the calculator on his cell phone. "There are 5,280 feet in a mile, so..." A few seconds later he said, "We're moving .025 miles an hour!"

"We're cruising!"

Finally, about an hour later, we started moving faster. By the time we actually left the mall property, we had been driving for over three hours!

It actually did not seem that long; being with David made the time go by fairly quickly. But I have never experienced traffic like that before.

And thankfully we are both done our Christmas shopping now.

Remicade and a Brightened Day

I arrived at the hospital this morning at nine o'clock, as scheduled. I entered Admissions, and told them I was there for a Remicade infusion. Remicade is a medication designed for Crohn's disease; it is administered every eight weeks to maintain remission. My gastroenterologist convinced me to get on it when we realized that I needed more aggressive treatment for my Crohn's.

This was last spring- I was feeling fine, when suddenly one night I started experiencing abdominal pain. My Mom was out to dinner with Roby, and when they returned home, I was lying on the couch clutching my side. I thought it might be my appendix, so I went to the emergency room. After doing some imaging tests, the radiologist and surgeon determined that my intestine had perforated, requiring emergency abdominal surgery. After the surgery, my doctor started me on the Remicade. I've been in remission since being on the medicine.

So this morning, after checking in with Admissions, one of the nurses brought me upstairs to a hospital room. Basically, I sit there on a hospital bed while the Remicade drips through an IV into my body. They feed me lunch, and take my vital signs periodically.

My nurse today was about my age, with brown hair and a contagious smile. She was warm and friendly, and really brightened my day. Everything went smoothly, and I was out by early afternoon.

After I returned home, I could not help but think about the nurse... I guess in the short time at the hospital I developed a bit of a crush. It was nice to feel romantically towards someone... even if it was just a fleeting dream.

A Phone Call and a Candidate

Today I finally persuaded myself to call the library to inquire about volunteer positions. I used Kelly Jene's idea of rewarding myself if I called, and it worked!

So I talked to the volunteer coordinator, and she described the process to me. First, I need to stop by and fill out a form. Then, if they have any work that would fit me, I go in for an interview, and after that, they do a criminal check. They do not make it too easy to provide them with free labor. Oh well. I'm relieved that I actually set the process in motion.

This afternoon David was reading the paper, and said to me, "Did you know that Barack Obama is going to be in town tonight?"

"Oh yeah?" I replied. Since we live in New Hampshire, where the first in the nation primary is held, we constantly have presidential candidates coming through to drum up votes. It allows us to get plenty of exposure to the people running. I take my vote seriously because whoever wins New Hampshire and Iowa has a good chance of winning the party nomination.

"There is a number here to call to reserve seats. Do you want to go?" he asked.

I am registered as an independent, allowing me to vote on either a Democratic or Republican ballot, and I have not yet decided which ballot I will take or which candidate I will vote for. I thought it would be interesting to participate in the process by listening to a candidate speak, so I agreed to go.

It was held at a local hotel in a large room with space for about 500 people. First Obama gave a speech, then took questions from the audience. I have to say that I was impressed, but not blown away. It was a good opportunity to see a candidate in person, and I am glad I took it. I am still undecided, but now I want to go see other presidential hopefuls so I can make comparisons between them.

Delectable Dinner and Dessert

Today Mom was out shopping for Christmas presents, and called home mid-afternoon to ask if I would make some turkey soup for dinner. After I hung up, I diced onions, carrots, and celery and threw them in the pot to saute them with butter and olive oil. Once they were partially cooked, I poured in some chicken stock and let it simmer while I cut up the broccoli and the left-over turkey from the Christmas party. I dumped all that into the pot with some spiral noodles and let it simmer until it was cooked. My family said that it was really good.

After dinner we took some of the remaining wedding cake out of the freezer to defrost. We made coffee, and once the cake was thawed we dug in. The cake is almond flavored, with alternating layers of amaretto and raspberry frosting, covered with a butter-cream frosting. Delicious!

No, Not Yet...

There is a new study out, reported by schizophrenia.com, saying that people with schizophrenia are less likely to get cancer, despite the fact that many of them eat poorly and smoke. Heart disease- that's a whole different issue- we have plenty of that. Not so much cancer.

Turns out, there is a genetic link between cancer and schizophrenia. While in cancer these genes cause their cells to multiply out of control, in schizophrenia the same genes slow them down, seemingly preventing cancer. Interesting.

Anyway... yesterday one of my Aunts asked me if I was working, and I had to answer, "No, not yet." This came to mind today as I was trying to convince myself to call the library to ask about volunteer opportunities. I have been wanting to volunteer for a few months now, and I put it off and put it off... but now I am out of excuses. I need to find the motivation to do it. I almost feel guilty for not working or volunteering.

I have read some people say that working was an important part of their recovery from mental illness, that it gave them the purpose and discipline that they needed. Why would I think that it will be any different for me? I guess I just have bad associations with work because of previous jobs I have had, and I am cautious about how I would react mentally to all the stress and activity of a job.

This is why I consider it important to start volunteering first- so I can ease into it and develop a healthy mindset for working. If only I would pick up the phone and call...